Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not know how to let this go

73 replies

Dishwashersaurous · 07/09/2019 16:38

A few months ago we were invited to a child free wedding of good friends. We hadn’t left both children overnight before

We knew about the wedding eight months before so we asked mil if she would come up and look after the children for 24hrs. We have never asked her to babysit in seven years and she always says that she really wants to help

She agreed and we talked about it extensively on multiple occasions over the next few months.

Then three weeks before dh was talking to her on regular call and said see you in three weeks. She responded with what are you talking about? The wedding. What wedding? She then point blank said that she had never agreed to anything and she didn’t want to do it.

When we next saw her again she again denied agreeing to anything. But she did and we had multiple conversations about it.

So she completely lied to our faces. There was no reason given just that she didn’t want to. Youngest child is three so not a baby.

My issue is that obviously I have to continue to see her and listen to her saying that she really wants to help. But I am so angry about being lied to and that she hasn’t apologised or even acknowledged any wrongdoing. Dh just says that she made a mistake let’s forget about it

So aibu in not knowing how to move on? And if so what do I do.

OP posts:

bobo26 · 08/09/2019 06:56

Let her stay but make sure you make your own plans with the kids. Tell her you forgot she was coming and you've made plans you can't get out of unfortunately. Make sure she entertains herself and cleans up after herself.

KC225 · 08/09/2019 07:03

I also agree, ring and say 'sorry DH is out of town and it's non longer convenient'. It's not about getting your known back - you are angry and stressed. Wait until your DH is around for him to deal with her.

leafyskyline · 08/09/2019 07:05

YANBU at all. Though for once there is a very clear way to resolve it for you.

Tell her you forgot she was coming next weekend and it's no longer convenient so she won't be able to stay with you. You don't need to give any further details or reasons.

If you don't want to be quite so blantant then don't say you've forgotten, just say it's no longer convenient and she can't come.

If your DH complains I'd let him know this may be the only way your relationship with her will survive. If she cones and stays after behaving this way you'll never be able to fully get over it. Actions have consequences, she has lied to you and let you down. As a result you don't feel inclined to put yourself out entertaining her. Entirely fair.

If DH complains then he can cancel his plans and host her. Somehow I doubt he will though. No one else will put themselves out but they will feign horror and disgust if you won't.

blackcat86 · 08/09/2019 07:10

Next time she moans about wanting to help point out that help has to be both helpful and reliable and unfortunately she wasnt either last time you actually asked for support and left your poor mum trying to change her plans..I would also post lots of pics of my mum with the DC but then I'm super petty

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 07:15

when she is staying with you it would be a good opportunity to assess her memory perhaps

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 07:16

my dm did the same, some years ago, we had a huge row about it, huge!

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 07:17

but why does she have to stay with you if your DH is away, i think she would prefer him to be there

eladen · 08/09/2019 07:50

It would probably help if your dh acknowledged that it really wasn't a mistake, even if he doesn't want to create a drama out of it with her.

I agree. Why are you letting both of them walk all over you and treat you like a fool? You can only "move on" from things when they have been dealt with properly - which means your own husband not joining in with her gaslighting.

It would be different if she had said she no longer felt comfortable with it, but such blatant, manipulative lies? By both of them. No, sorry, I wouldn't be pretending that didn't happen.

Cancelling her using you for free accommodation isn't about 'revenge' but the fact it would now be completely inappropriate.

Marnie76 · 08/09/2019 08:19

Absolutely tell both her AND your husband that you have no knowledge of her coming to stay. It doesn’t matter if you discussed it with him yesterday, you have no recall about it now. If he and she can play dumb so can you. Say as you had no knowledge of her coming you are unprepared and she can’t stay. You could also add that surely he didn’t know either if he’s going away!

Twisique · 08/09/2019 08:23

You could forget she was coming...

Ellisandra · 08/09/2019 08:25

I would be more pissed off with my husband at this point. I could cope with him asking me to let it go, because he didn’t want to fall out with his mother - but I would be really pissed off that he denied it was deliberate.

Much as I’d like to “forget” she was staying, that’s petty. I think you should have him call and say she can’t stay as he’s away.

Ellisandra · 08/09/2019 08:26

Oh and though it’s petty to tell MIL you “forgot”, I damn well would be saying that to your husband. A lot.

wowfudge · 08/09/2019 08:29

Ooh - I'd have to say something to her. I'd let her stay as you keep the moral high ground. At the first mention of her wanting to help, etc. you ask her why she says that when it doesn't seem to be true. Challenge her - it was in her calendar and in her diary, but she said she had forgotten? Is she having problems with her sight or memory?

Maybe having several conversations with her about her looking after the kids over a period of time built it up to seem too onerous and she was worried, but didn't want to say that.

Foslady · 08/09/2019 09:42

Coming to stay for a week? I only had you down for a night - sorry, no can do. And the night I had you staying isn’t the night of the event? Oh that’s a shame

greenlynx · 08/09/2019 11:19

My decision would very much depends on what kind involvement/ entertainment she is expecting from you.
I would be ok with her staying in a spare room, cooking her own food, joining you occasionally but nothing fancy, watching TV or going out on her own but keeping in line with your family routine. So basically she’ll look after herself and you will behave like with a distant relative staying. You will be polite and accommodating but without too much efforts.
If you’ll need to move rooms to accommodate her, cook her fancy food, take her out to places, have long conversations in the evenings and basically look after her, it’s quite a different matter. I wouldn’t agree to this. You won’t be able to do this after her so soon letting you down and you certainly will end up quarrelling.
I too think that your DH’s wrong minimising it, it was a deliberate lie. But accepting that it’s a deliberate lie means he needs to do something, react somehow and he obviously doesn’t want this confrontation. And I can understand him it’s very difficult to confront your parents (except during teenage years). Try to talk to him as calm as possible he’s might accepting this inside but trying to minimise this for you to keep things less emotional. My DH would do this.

7yo7yo · 08/09/2019 11:26

She wouldn’t be staying at my house.
And I wouldn’t give a fuck about any fallout either.

DriftingLeaves · 08/09/2019 11:27

Tell her you forgot she was coming and it's no longer convenient.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 09/09/2019 11:12

So when is the CF expected to arrive this week, op?

AryaStarkWolf · 09/09/2019 11:15

How odd, that would be really frustrating, just take it as a lesson learned and never rely on her for anything again. Glad your mom was able to do it for you and you get to go to the wedding

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/09/2019 11:17

I'd issue DH with an ultimatum; either you cancel your work plans and deal with her or you cancel her stay. No other alternatives, no bending over backwards to make either of their lives run more smoothly. Just straightforward "she won't be staying unless you're physically here to deal with her".

When people lie and deny things have happened, it's gaslighting. Bad enough that your MIL did this, but for your DH to be complicit is awful. I wouldn't let it go, and I wouldn't countenance having her in my home until both of them apologised for their dick behaviours.

Howlovely · 09/09/2019 14:16

She wasn't worried about upsetting you (and potentially the bride and groom) by almost making you miss the wedding so I wouldn't be remotely concerned about upsetting her. The result would be that you steer clear of each other for a while - win/win!
I think you should talk to your husband about it. Be very clear about what has happened, e.g.,
She said she'd have our children over night. We discussed this numerous times, she even had it on her calendar. Inexplicably, she is now claiming that she did not agree to this when we all know that is a lie. We might not have been able to go to the wedding because of her and she still kept up the lie, trying to make us question ourselves. Now, you want her to stay in our home when you are out of the country. You are expecting me to look after your mother after she let us down, lied to our faces and gaslighted us, and for me to be happy about this?
Surely he can't admit that he is really expecting this of you?

Didntwanttochangemyname · 09/09/2019 15:11

What is your DHs take on this? Is his mum right?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/09/2019 15:36

If your DH really believes she has forgotten agreeing it, the 10 conversations, the diary, the calendar he should be marching her to the doctors for tests. As he isn't, he obviously knows she was shit but I guess it's a hard thing to admit your own mum has let you down like that.

It sounds like she agreed to it when it was a concept ages away in the future and as it got closer she realised she didnt want to but didnt know how to get out of it or admit she made a mistake agreeing to it. It sounds like a toddler, who believes if they deny something it will actually go away.

You can't really argue with her or confront her, if she is flat out denying it, it's not going to resolve anything. She has gone too far with it now, shes not going to turn round and admit she made it up.

Shes not helped for 7 years so I doubt she will start now. She isn't going to benefit from a close relationship with your children though

I think you should speak again to your husband, and say you still feel very let down and dont want her to visit. he can speak to her and tell her he'd rather rearrange her visit for when he is around

Flip

1 2 3