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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to let this go

73 replies

Dishwashersaurous · 07/09/2019 16:38

A few months ago we were invited to a child free wedding of good friends. We hadn’t left both children overnight before

We knew about the wedding eight months before so we asked mil if she would come up and look after the children for 24hrs. We have never asked her to babysit in seven years and she always says that she really wants to help

She agreed and we talked about it extensively on multiple occasions over the next few months.

Then three weeks before dh was talking to her on regular call and said see you in three weeks. She responded with what are you talking about? The wedding. What wedding? She then point blank said that she had never agreed to anything and she didn’t want to do it.

When we next saw her again she again denied agreeing to anything. But she did and we had multiple conversations about it.

So she completely lied to our faces. There was no reason given just that she didn’t want to. Youngest child is three so not a baby.

My issue is that obviously I have to continue to see her and listen to her saying that she really wants to help. But I am so angry about being lied to and that she hasn’t apologised or even acknowledged any wrongdoing. Dh just says that she made a mistake let’s forget about it

So aibu in not knowing how to move on? And if so what do I do.

OP posts:
badgermushrooms · 07/09/2019 18:25

Obviously you'd forgotten she was coming and she can't stay as you have a house full of guests all week!

BambooWhoosh · 07/09/2019 18:31

It was written in her diary and on her calendar

How did she explain that away?

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 07/09/2019 18:47

What did she say about it being in her diary and calendar?

AiryFairyMum · 07/09/2019 20:52

Tell her she didn't arrange to come over for her event and that now it isn't convenient.

S1naidSucks · 07/09/2019 20:55

Well if she can’t look after you and your husband’s child when she promised, then you can’t look after your husband’s mother, can you?

Flicketyflack · 07/09/2019 21:07

Don't let her stay
Make DH tell her
I had 10yrs of catering to mil, planning visits to see her, buying cards & gifts and all she talks about are her other grandchildren
No more-DH deals with her
Don't babysit her she is not your responsibility
Feel sad for you and the fact she let you down ☹️

Rachelover40 · 07/09/2019 21:22

It's likely she forgot or didn't hear properly. If she has something else planned, fair enough; if she hasn't then she is a bit mean not to babysit for you, especially as she always wants to help. I hope you find someone else reliable if MIL doesn't do it.

Goldenglory · 07/09/2019 21:33

Don't let her in when she arrives and tell her you never agreed to her staying, what on earth is she talking about?

Bookworm4 · 07/09/2019 21:37

How can your DH say she forgot when it was on calendar and in diary? He’s just bad, going along with her lies. I’d have lifted the calendar and pointed it out.

LordNibbler · 07/09/2019 21:43

Tell her you didn't agree to anything and you don't want to do it.

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 07/09/2019 21:43

@Dishwashersaurous

It was written in her diary and on her calendar

How did she explain that away?

I'd like to know that as well?

And as far as her visiting - cancel! If you can't stand to host her at the minute then that's fair enough, it's your house and your life, you shouldn't have to!

Zofloraqueen27 · 07/09/2019 21:44

I would arrange to be out at a long standing engagement with your children. I would say I didn’t KNOW she was coming.. NOT that you had “forgotten” about it - and leave her to entertain herself.

What a selfish woman she is. I would not let her forget that.

clucky3 · 07/09/2019 21:51

So she is supposed to be staying next week, whilst attending event nearby, and dh now has to be out of the country for work.

Time to get forgetful OP

Jubba · 07/09/2019 21:55

I’d say that I’d forgotten she was staying over and that youcant so it now

Say you’ve no recollection of ever having said she could.

Lifeover · 07/09/2019 22:10

It feels shitty to be let down by someone you thought you could trust.

But assuming you want/need some sort of ongoing relationship just concentrate on the fact the end result is the same, your plans are unaffected,

Maybe just adjust you expectations going forward and don’t rely on offers of help
From your mil. Keep the relationship at a level you are both happy with

Millie2016 · 07/09/2019 22:11

@OurChristmasMiracle has it.
No way would I be having her to stay after she had done that.

EKGEMS · 08/09/2019 00:17

givenehope Seriously how can you twist the asshole move of MIL to it being the OP at fault? That's HOPELESS advice I'd say

fargo123 · 08/09/2019 04:06

Definitely cancel her upcoming visit, and don't ever go out of your way for her again.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 08/09/2019 04:35

Don't let her stay.
Just say its no longer appropriate.

CTRL · 08/09/2019 04:40

I agree.

Tell her you didn’t agree to her staying and deny it when she reminds you that you guys agreed to it. Simple

Why be uncomfortable in your own home ??

She better find a hotel

hoxtonbabe · 08/09/2019 04:57

I think this is where hubby and I would come to serious blows as I would have to tell him flat out I will not do it and she has to rearrange for when he’s back!

Why should I be lumbered with babysitting and entertaining his mother for a week when she had zero interest in looking after her grandchildren for 24 hours, in fact shown little interest in general.

It’s one thing nodding and smiling to keep the peace for a day or if he’s there for the week to take up most of the work associated with her so interactions with her would be minimal but to expect me to look after the children and her also.. not a chance.

I’d find it a cheek of him to even have that expectation of me even if the babysitting issue didn’t happen, but then again I am a miserable sod that has never been keen on having anyone in my home ( unless kids or partner) for more than 24 hours Grin

mehmehmehmeh · 08/09/2019 05:16

No way would she be staying with me!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 08/09/2019 05:41

Do you think your MIL just got nervous about having the kids by herself as she'd never done it before. Maybe she just didn't feel she could raise it with you and this is her very rubbish way of dealing with it?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2019 06:22

OH I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks you should just pay her back in kind by pretending you don't remember it and you're sorry, but you just can't do it.

I would SO WANT to do that.

I probably wouldn't because I'm not a total arsehole but I would REALLY WANT to.

However, I wouldn't bother entertaining her in any way at all!

She's clearly one of those who always says they want to help, safe in the knowledge that they won't be asked - and once she was asked, she fucked it up so badly for you that you will never ask her again. Glad your mum was able to step in!

But don't make her stay any more than basic bed and board - you could even suggest she does her own food rather than go out of your way to accommodate her - so that she gets the message, but it will make her stay even less pleasant for all of you, I guess.

LIZS · 08/09/2019 06:52

She's an adult , she can entertain herself. Stop putting yourself under pressure. If she doesn't like it have the number of local travelodge handy. How convenient that dh cannot be there Hmm as to her letting you down , tricky but at least you know not to bother her again.