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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance

44 replies

scotsllb · 07/09/2019 14:07

Hi all I'm new here first time posting.
So basically I have 2 children aged 19 and 13 from a relationship that lasted 11 years and have been separated almost 10 years now.

During these year my ex has had minimum contact due his own lifestyle, never paid maintenance due to being unemployed and I cut him out their lives 5 years ago as I was sick of him letting then down.
He got back in touch last week and my 13 year old has always asked to see his dad etc so I responded to his message.
He is working and living with a partner and wants regular contact with my son.
I asked him about payments and he told me could only afford £25 a week as he has bills to pay and that the CSA won't take this into account.
I explained that I also have bills and he most important ones are our children's bills!! He's said he wants to maintain a lifestyle that means he can afford to take our son on decent days out etc and that's all he can commit to.
He refuses to tell me his salary and tells me he won't be giving me any personal information and that if I go to the CSA I will be ruining his chances of having a good time with his son as it will impact his life?
He met my daughter and told her he has just paid to have a course of tattoo laser removal and he is a head chef earning nice wages and smokes weed.
AIBU to reject £25 to not rock the boat or just go to the CSA?

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 07/09/2019 14:11

Go to the CSA.

The only thing I’d say to be prepared for is when he cuts contact with your 13 year old, telling him that it’s your fault for taking all of his money so he can’t afford to see him.

LongWalkShortPlank · 07/09/2019 14:15

You should really go to the csa, then if he tries to blame you as the pp said you can always explain that you didn't want to argue with him over money and let them decide because they have all the information.

NailsNeedDoing · 07/09/2019 14:21

How come you haven't gone to the csa before now? You have every right to go through them, but it would seem strange timing if you haven't before but you're going to now that he's asked to see his son, who wants to see him too. I wouldn't want to jeopardise them having contact tbh, for your son's sake, not your ex's.

Maybe if they have a relationship your ex will be willing to buy things that are direct costs for your son, like school trips or equipment, rather than give you the money.

Original poster
scotsllb · 07/09/2019 14:30

I haven't before now as he was never working so what's the point. He said he was in stable employment and I have struggled very hard at times over the years to provide for them.
He never lived a life that put them first ever so I cut him out as he just didn't make the effort, get drunk and disappear for months on end.
I feel now is the time because ultimately why not?
However I do think he will kick off massively. He says £25 is actually more than he can afford even though I have explained his 19 year old is in full time education and he's not being asked to provide for her too and he lives with a partner who works 2 jobs and has no kids so he will split the bills whereas my bills are all down to me

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 07/09/2019 14:33

Go through the csa

averythinline · 07/09/2019 14:35

Just go to CSA- he has not supported his children for 11 years......
your DC are old enough for you to tell them this

Original poster
scotsllb · 07/09/2019 14:50

He just messaged me saying he has no disposable income at all and that it's eaten up with his bills and costs and that's that and he would be put in hardship as the CSA are not going to take his expenses into consideration and how can he give me what he's not got.

Am I being naive ? Why the hell do I feel like I might be screwing things up for him if he is telling the truth

OP posts:
Pollywollydolly · 07/09/2019 14:53

The reason he has no disposable income is because he disposes of it on tattoo removal and weed. Go to the CSA.

clucky3 · 07/09/2019 15:04

The reason he has no disposable income is because he disposes of it on tattoo removal and weed. Go to the CSA.

This. Go to the CSA OP

NailsNeedDoing · 07/09/2019 15:07

I feel now is the time because ultimately why not?

Because now he is finally in a position to be the Dad that your son presumably wants very much if he's always asked to see his Dad.

You're in the best position to judge whether going to the CSA is likely to make your ex say he won't see his son, and if you think that's what might happen (because the ex does sound like a twat), I wouldn't risk it unless you're absolutely desperate for the money. As much as you have the right to go through the CSA, you don't want to end up in a position where your son is led to believe that it's your fault he doesn't get to see his Dad, so you need to be careful. There's a chance you wouldn't end up with much more than £25 a week through the CSA anyway if the ex is living with two other children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/09/2019 15:09

He’s a selfish prick. CSA maintenance is minimal. If you go to them he may not pay more than £25, he may pay nothing, but he will end up with a debt to you.

NailsNeedDoing · 07/09/2019 15:10

Sorry, I remembered two jobs as two kids, i clearly need to read more carefully! Blush

Point still stands though.

stanski · 07/09/2019 15:13

CSA

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 07/09/2019 15:13

Csa. My ex said paying for ds would financially ruin him and threatened suicide. If da ebook and his amazon wish list is anything to go by he's doing just fine for himself. New games console, games, Alexa, phone etc.

Tartypants · 07/09/2019 15:19

The money he should pay is your kids. If he won’t see them if you go to CMS, you are deciding for them that it is worth spending their money on buying his time with them. Maybe it is. But that is what you’re doing. You’re already doing his share of the work for free, no way is going to CMS unreasonable.

Original poster
scotsllb · 07/09/2019 15:21

I understand the thinking that if he is forced to pay and he will stop seeing my son and he may blame me but I would rather my son had a dad who genuinely cared enough to pay for him not one who wants to shirk.
I calculated if he earned £8 and hour and worked 40 hours a week he will be paying £50 a week. Which is fine double what he's offering.

I'm regretting even responding to his request to see him now and wish I had ignored as I really thought he was actually going to take his responsibilities seriously

OP posts:
Original poster
scotsllb · 07/09/2019 15:26

To be honest he's not really arranged to see him etc he talks to him on the phone etc so I would imagine he would still be doing this if the CSA took money.
I'm a soft touch and hate hassle and have given him an easy ride for long enough over the years. The reason we split up was because he refused to contribute to the household and sat playing computer games all the time while I worked hard.

He is saying if he can't pay his share of his household bills etc that will not benefit my son. He's saying he has overdraft to pay student loan to pay and mountains of other things that come off before he even sees his salary

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 07/09/2019 15:28

He sounds like a loser. Yanbu

Templetonstunafish · 07/09/2019 15:55

He's lying to you and manipulating you. Minimum wage is more than 8 pound an hour now and he'll be on more than that if he's head chef.

Get what you are owed. Why should you struggle. If he really cared about your son he would already be paying you.

megletthesecond · 07/09/2019 15:58

CSA. Your dc's would probably benefit more from the money and stable home than a deadbeat father (sorry, harsh I know).

inlectorecumbit · 07/09/2019 16:00

CSA all the way.
He can quit the weed and suport his son.

strawberry2017 · 07/09/2019 16:07

If he can afford weed he can afford more than the £25 a weekend is suggesting.
Go
To the CSA, he's a deadbeat dad, he will let your DC Down regardless of what you do. His actions prove that.

Gingerkittykat · 07/09/2019 16:14

The calculator says he would be paying £38 on those wages, is it worth the hassle for £13? He might not even comply with CMS anyway and if he doesn't would take months to get a DOE order.

calculator

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/09/2019 16:27

Why dont you see how it goes. Tell him you'll leave it for a few months if he does spend the difference on his son (eg takes him on trips out and buys him things etc). If it turns out that he spends the difference on himself and your son just watches tv when he sees his dad then you know what to do

Original poster
scotsllb · 07/09/2019 16:31

I don't know what he earns as is refusing to tell me. I asked him for his salary so I can put it through the calculator and we can just use that but no he won't tell me. I'm very sure he earns more than £8 an hour I just put that in an example.
I get what you are saying about seeing how it goes etc but my son hasn't started seeing him again yet and I don't want him to be hurt if he doesn't stick to paying what he should.
What's that teaching my son about how to behave a handle your responsibilities in life.
But I think this is the bit I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable on. Is a relationship with him better than none even if he doesn't pay his way

OP posts:
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