Maintenance

[scotsllb]

Hi all I'm new here first time posting.
So basically I have 2 children aged 19 and 13 from a relationship that lasted 11 years and have been separated almost 10 years now.

During these year my ex has had minimum contact due his own lifestyle, never paid maintenance due to being unemployed and I cut him out their lives 5 years ago as I was sick of him letting then down.
He got back in touch last week and my 13 year old has always asked to see his dad etc so I responded to his message.
He is working and living with a partner and wants regular contact with my son.
I asked him about payments and he told me could only afford £25 a week as he has bills to pay and that the CSA won't take this into account.
I explained that I also have bills and he most important ones are our children's bills!! He's said he wants to maintain a lifestyle that means he can afford to take our son on decent days out etc and that's all he can commit to.
He refuses to tell me his salary and tells me he won't be giving me any personal information and that if I go to the CSA I will be ruining his chances of having a good time with his son as it will impact his life?
He met my daughter and told her he has just paid to have a course of tattoo laser removal and he is a head chef earning nice wages and smokes weed.
AIBU to reject £25 to not rock the boat or just go to the CSA?

Gingerkittykat how can he not comply? I've never used them before I thought they had to have proof of earnings etc?
Can he lie about his earnings etc?

I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay but what about prioritising your child and their relationship with their dad over the money? Accept his offer in the meantime and see how the relationship goes first

ahem - if he works as a chef for a big company you might (& I mean might!) be able to look on the website glassdoor or look up on the web to see if an employment company was/is advertising for this job - this may give you guidelines. As for student loans you only pay if you earn over (£20000) I think it is now & than only a small percent - go after the blighter! If he is not self employed the HMRC will have records of his tax so wont the CSA be able to go after him?

Treadilema, I think my argument for that was is it worth having a relationship with a dad that doesn't even think you are worth paying for.
Who was happy enough to live a life without caring about the kids wellbeing or needs for so many years.
I would assume if you want to be build a relationship you pay for it too

Its not a relationship I'd be encouraging at all considering he's been out of their lives for 5 years and obviously doesn't give a shit.

I think that's how I'm equating it,, no maintenance equals not giving a shit. If I didn't pay for my kids who would? I get pleasure from buying what they need and making sure they have a good standard of living because I care and want the best for them. Clearly he does not share this feeling as far as I can see by this £25 a week offer and he's already told me I need to wait a couple of weeks until he starts paying it as he owes money out and had a tatto lasered off

You need to contact the CSA. They will sort everything out for you and if he doesn’t co-operate they will go down the collect and pay route and it will cost him even more.

but what about prioritising your child and their relationship with their dad over the money

is this joke?

poor ex has bills to pay? so cant afford to pay for his DC? that's such a shame for him

Get it calculated through csa. Why should you sacrifice what you and your children are entitled to. If he chooses not to see your son because of this then it is exactly that, his choice. You haven't forced his hand or made it difficult for him. Some men pay over the odds and still fight tooth and nail to see their kids.
He absolutely should be contributing whether he wants contact or not.

Gonetothedock,, that's how I see it. He is insisting that his salary is irrelevant and the CSA won't care about his outgoings and this will mean he could lose his standard of life which is says is nothing fancy as it is.
I would be more that fair if he told me what he earns and what his bills that are more important are but he is giving me nothing to work with.
He must split bills with his partner or whatever he's got the running costs of life shared with someone who has no kids to pay for so I'm struggling to see what the bills are that are so big he can't afford say £50 a week instead

Go to CSA. He has pot money and booze money. that can go on back childcare. And if he goes NC with his kids again - it sounds like they would be better off without such a person.

Why would you alllow your dc to around a druggy?

Treadilema are you actually serious? She's prioritised her children over the years when he's not paid one penny.
OP do go to CMS, they have access to HMRC systems so will be able to see what he earned in the last tax year and work out CM accordingly. They will then tell him (and you) what he should pay. I said 'should' because no man who pays the recommended minimum is a Prince among men.
If you opt for collect and pay as opposed to direct pay, and in your case I would, they take an amount of your maintenance, think it's 4%, so while you get slightly less it's worth it because they take care of that side of it.
In case of SE, maintenance collection can be more problematic but if he's a head chef he's probably PAYE.
As for him saying he's no money after bills, well they only take into account pensions and not tax and NI, so imo that's his hard luck, you have children you support them.

Reply to him and say he has gotten off with 10 years of not supporting his own kids, which you haven't even tried to get off him and if he can't even support one of the children for 5 years until he is 18 then he can bugger off. You don't get to just appear when you feel like it. If you had refused to support those 2 kids for 10 years, they'd have starved to death by now. Why is it different for him? Why do parents get to just say 'no, I can't afford to support them'. It should be illegal and classed as neglect

If your ex does not want to pay for his son, then he is hardly a caring role model is he? Do not let him off the hook. You will find that men who say they cannot afford to pay for their own children (and that is neglect, make no bones about it) can often afford to pay for the everyday luxuries they feel they are entitled to be it alcohol, weed, tobacco, gambling etc. What about food, heating, clothing for your son?

I have been pressured to accept money and stay away from the CMS. I will reiterate, do not do this. They want you to stay away for a reason. I was offered £200 per month to keep it between us as a grandparent carer. I declined because I knew he would stop paying, it wasn't about getting more. It was about securing financial support for my grandson to which he is entitled by law.

When I went to the CMS, he claimed to earn £19,000 self employed. Their fraud team found it was £42,000. He wanted me to agree to direct pay which I foolishly did. He stopped paying. It is now collect and pay which attracts a 20% charge to him by CMS.

He has stopped paying completely now, but I am used to not receiving anything. CMS have applied to the courts for a liability order. He is not someone who cannot pay, he is someone who doesn't want to pay. I suspect your ex is the same.

The CMS will take his new family into account if he has more children. They set a minimum payment which is 12% of his gross income. Apply now because he will go through the same motions as my gs's dad and child support is backdated to the date of your application. Good luck.

Sorry I didn’t mean for my post to come across as it has. What I meant was, if your child wants a relationship with their father then why not let it happen regardless of maintenance and let that begin before chasing the maintenance owed and deserved. I completely understand your point, was just wondering maybe accepting his offer initially to start relations could help your child if they want a relationship.

Go to the CSA, they have extended powers to look at HMRC database since the end of last year and can sort out his earnings from there.

He is taking the piddle!

And yes if he doesn't pay it can take up to 3 months to get a doe order but they will keep recalculating his arrears

Men who don't want to pay can use a number of dodges and delaying techniques, from not filling in forms and then being given a second and third chance each time taking weeks, lying about earnings, hiding earnings, job hopping amongst others.

It took literally years for me to get an arrestment of earnings order and that was only because I got my MP involved.

If you see threads on here then many have the same problems.

You have every right to maintenance for your 13 year old. You don't need to justify asking for it or going to the CMS to him or anyone else. Hes trying to manipulate you into letting this go. He can have a relationship with his children without spending a fortune.