Daughter embarrassed about periods

[Unusualusernames]

Posting here for traffic (sorry).

I'm really worried about my 13 year old daughter. She recently started her period and she's really embarrassed about it. Every time I try to talk about it she gets cross and says "please mum I don't want to talk about it".

It started when she was at a sleepover at her friends and she texted me. I gave her some sanitary towels and she managed ok.

It's the same with her getting a bra. She's been wearing crop tops for years but I really think she needs a bra now and she just won't talk about it.

I feel like a really crap mum because I always hoped I'd be approachable. I've recently started working full time and am having an extremely stressful time at work. This is just making me feel so guilty and like a total failure as a mum.

I don't know what to do and I'm so worried if she can't talk to me about these things then what's going to happen when she starts having boyfriends?

I feel like I've really failed as a mum that she doesn't feel she can talk to me and ask me about these things.

I think my daughter will be the same. But...there isn't much to talk about. I imagine (like me) she'll just get on with it. As for intimate apparel, same. I buy things and leave them on her bed. We're sort of that in between stage of soft cup, no underwire t-shirt type fabric bras. Occasionally I'll say to you need any more..." and before I've had a chance to finish she'll interrupt with an abrupt NO! or Yes.

She's just not that kinda kid. It's not really a failing on my part (I don't think), it's just the way she is. As long as we can communicate beyond grunts, and have a bit of a laugh occasionally I recon we're ok.

Do you have a friend or a mum of one of her friends she might open up to about it? It can sometimes be hard being so vulnerable with your own parents because you want them to be proud of you - it's nothing to do with you being a good mum or not. Be gentle, be supportive, she'll figure it out!

What do you want to say to her? As long as she knows what she needs to do, and that she can ask you anything she wants to, I'd leave it.

My DM was always pushing me for unnecessary 'girly chats' at that age and it was mortifying.

Some kids are like this. dS was and is shy about everything and won’t talk about anything. DD completely over shares about everything, and I mean everything. Nothing is taboo.

You are not a failure as a mum. Your daughter is normal and doesnt want to talk to you about things that she finds embarrassing. She will be discussing with her friends though.

Like @Peony99 my dm also wanted to have "serious" chats and I very much didnt

You haven't failed. My mum is lovely and a great mum but honestly I hated everytime shed try and start this type of conversation. Girls can learn what they need to from friends and school. My advice (because it's what I wish my mum had done) just give her some money to go and buy a few bras and pads and then tell her to leave a few in the bathroom cupboard so you know what to keep stock of. And tell her you're here if she does need help or want to talk

You haven't failed her, I was the same when I was her age and it was nothing to do with my amazing, loving, approachable mum, I was just painfully shy and a prude and very embarrassed.

For the bra thing I just buy a selection for my kids and then take the others back. Often I just ask if they’d like some more and a simple yes or no is all that’s required from them. Asda is cheap and stocks a range of first size bras.
For periods I just got a selection of stuff and leave it in the bathroom cupboard and restock when needed. If she prefers to keep it in her room just ask her to tell you when she needs so more or just put some on her bed regularly. You don’t actually need to talk about it if she’s managing ok. I just have very short conversations with them and don’t expect much of a response. Do you need more things? Is the usual phrase I use. They only need to say yes or no.
I know that kids should be able to talk about periods and bras with their mums but some kids don’t want to and you should respect that.

What do you want to talk about?
How often she changes the pad ,how much blood loss ,???
Come on ,really ,you gave her pads ,she knows what to do ,
What else is there to say ,the rest is private to her .
Buy a selection of pads bags and tampons and leave her to it
Bras ,you book a first bra fitting with m and S and give her some money and leave her to it .or stay if she wants you to
Really you are making this in to a huge deal ,that it really is not

You haven't failed. My mum and I have always been close but I hated (and still do) talking about periods etc.
I'm not sure what you're worried about/want to say? She's cracking on with it, end of. She'll be talking to friends, on the Internet. Just let her know you're there if she wants to talk, end conversation.

What's there to talk about? Add a few more sanitary supplies to your shopping and put them in the bathroom cupboard and her room.

It’s not a reflection on you -she’s just embarrassed. And before people start going on about it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, etc. etc., yes I agree but when I was her age I used to hate having to ask my mum to buy me sanitary products, and would have died if I thought my dad knew I was having a period. It wasn’t a reflection of my relationship with them, and I had and stop have a great relationship with them. It was my attitude to having periods etc. I preferred to keep those things private.
The irony is that, as a teacher of 11/12 yr olds, I talk to the girls about what to do if they have their period in school, where to go for supplies etc. and give lessons on puberty, intercourse and development of baby and birth of baby to my classes of boys and girls without the least bit of embarrassment. If only I’d had that attitude as a shy 13yr old!

“Still have” not stop have.

My daughter is the same. She gets terrible period pains and doesn't like it if I ask others for solutions as we've tried painkillers which don't work. She's just a very closed book.

I was like that with both periods and bras. Getting hair under my arms too. Really found it all traumatic. I hated growing up. But, I knew my mum cared and she was there if I needed her. I did not want to talk about it, but knowing she was there was enough. I just needed to get my head around it. What helped the most was seeing my friends going through it and coping better than me. It made me realise it was all normal and I just got on with it. She’ll get there.

It's the fault of society, not you as a parent that children grow up embarrassed to discuss bodily functions.

I think some of the others have hit it on the head, what exactly do you want to talk about? If it's thats you feel there's stuff she doesn't know then write a letter, wrap it round a snack and leave it on her bed.

You haven’t failed. I can offer much more in the way of advice as my daughter is only 4. However regarding the bra situation would a sports bra/more supportive crop top be a good alternative for her rather than a more grown up looking traditional bra. I have recently ditched wire bras for these alternatives and the right one is as supportive as a bra without the wire diving in.

I've never discussed periods, underwear, sex etc with anyone... Why would I? It's private to me. I expect your daughter feels the same way.

Just make sure she knows she can discuss anything and that everything is normal/natural and leave her to it. She might approach you more as she gets her head around everything

I agree with the others- what is there to talk about? Just make sure the pads are stocked up so she doesn't run out. Personally for the bra I'd ask if she wants to go herself to but them, if not I'd buy a couple of sizes and leave them for her to try.

This isn't about you. It's about her. Her periods. She doesn't want to talk about them. I am a bit confused though because you say when she started she did tell you. So that's fine. Unless there are any problems you don't need to push her to talk. She knows she can talk if she needs to, because we actually did that. The 'mum failure' is ridiculous. She is 13 and behaving like a 13 year old. Don't turn her starting her periods into something for you to be upset about ffs.

My 11 yo dd is going to be the same I think. She doesn’t want to talk about anything to do with puberty. I bought some pads, which I ended up keeping in my room as she doesn’t want to contemplate pads if she starts. I am going to buy some period pants. She also refuses to wear deodorant and I have a couple of times asked her to smell her top so she understands her body is changing. She showers very regularly and only smells ever so slightly so not a big problem yet. She also doesn’t want to think about bras, which is fine as she is not really developing much yet.

The irony is here we are as parents ready to help our children because many of us know how shit it was to go through puberty with little help from our parents and yet our children reject ours. I know I would desperately have liked help as a child. Luckily I had a friend, who helped me a lot in the first couple of months of my periods. Your dd will also have friends helping her. Children are a lot more open about things these days.

Her reaction is totaly normal Unusualusernames, the changes with the body through pubity usually is a very private thing for an adolescent, even in a happy to talk about anything family.

I remember that i could wait for my period to start, all very exiting and grown up. However i was absolutly mortified about the 'mess', heavy long periods that would flood into my beautiful lacy knickers. I really did not expect that!

My dd is 13 and really similar. A closed book and just happy to get on with it all alone. I wouldn't try to bring all this up, just have fun together. My dd really enjoys Avengers movies (Endgame recently came out so we watched that together, had a little movie night with ice cream and popcorn ). I buy her little treats she likes occasionally and books she enjoys. She never gushes over anything but she has a quiet happiness (my other dd is very confident and full of dramatics!). I would just build a happy easy relationship and the rest will be fine. Its a funny age op but we have all been there!

I was the same. Mortified when i started age 13 and continually worried about stains on my school skirt or starting in class. So embarrassed to ask my mum to buy sanitary towels.
Dd was embarrassed starting age 11 but now age 25 shares all sorts of things.
Her friends and her have been able to talk openly once they got past the 11 to 14 sort of age.
It s all new and a bit scary and cringey at that age. You might be surprised at the change when she s older.