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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you snore, you shouldn’t mind being woken up

69 replies

IFuckingHateSnoring · 06/09/2019 22:57

DH is a wonderful husband, but his snoring is killing me. I mean that literally as the lack of sleep is really taking its toll on my health.

Instead he gets really cross when I wake him up for the 50th time and says that I should just learn to sleep through it. He simply won’t go to the doctor about it; I think he’s ashamed.

I think he sounds like a pig gargling and it makes me alternately sad and furious as I lose hour after hour of precious sleep.

I know it’s going to end up with separate bedrooms, which I hate but it’s going to be essential for my sanity. But we are at his mother’s this weekend and there is no other spare room and it’s awful! (I can’t use ear plugs or an iPod or something yet as our DC are too young and might cry out for us, so I need to be able to hear them. Having such young DC is another thing that makes the lack of sleep so hard to cope with!)

So, who IBU? Should I stop waking him and suck it up, or should he apologise and try to stay awake until I am asleep?

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/09/2019 06:08

He’s a selfish prick for refusing to see the GP about it. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. I feel for you OP, I can’t sleep through it either. It’s not something you can learn.

justheretostalk · 07/09/2019 06:16

My DH has slept on the couch for about 5 years now, as I could not put up with it anymore and he refuses to see anyone about it. It got to a point where I lost my shit at him at about 3am one morning, after about an hour of broken sleep. I was hysterical and so tired.

It takes its toll on your mental health, and physical health.

PapayaCoconut · 07/09/2019 06:23

we have a lovely comfortable massive bed

I'd rather sleep on the floor than next to someone who snores...

AnneKipanki · 07/09/2019 06:29

I snore .
I wear a mandibular advancement appliance . It reduces it for me .
I am not fat . I am female.

However my husband did shout at me whilst sleeping because he said he could hear me . What a frightening experience that was .

AnneKipanki · 07/09/2019 06:30

Some people do snore like trains . I do not think I do.

OneOfTheGrundys · 07/09/2019 06:38

If his snoring is that extreme he needs to see a GP. if it has worsened recently, even more so. It can be a sign of extremely serious and life threatening conditions.
This happened with my DH and he had developed a life limiting heart condition. Fit and super healthy before, this condition will soon be terminal. At 42.
I know this is unlikely for your DH but he must take it seriously. I recorded mine to show him how bad it was.
Meantime-maybe take it in turns to sleep elsewhere.

redchocolatebutton · 07/09/2019 06:51

yanbu
he needs to see the gp. it's not healthy for either of you.

if he is overweight he needs to lose weight to get to a healthy bmi.
and he needs to go to the gp to see if he needs a cpap machine for sleeping.

my dad was snoring really badly until he lost weight. he still needs his 'snorinator' for the apnoea but the noise he makes at night and his general heath is much improved.

RidgedPerfection · 07/09/2019 06:54

My DH also snores very, very badly; I hadn't realised quite how badly it had affected me until he went away for work and I felt like a new woman simply from having some unbroken sleep - I felt amazing!

He is really resistant to separate rooms so I start off sleeping in the same bed but move to the spare room most nights - or very often the sofa downstairs as the noise is still so loud in the spare room. You can, however, still hear it downstairs pretty loudly; I am downstairs now with the TV on and can still hear him. One night before an important interview I even ended up sleeping in the car outside out of sheer desperation!!!

I do occasionally wake my DH up but he just goes straight back to sleep and the snoring starts again immediately, so there's actually very little point.

sparklefarts · 07/09/2019 06:56

@CandyLeBonBon you stayed with this man?

Thuglife · 07/09/2019 07:05

Yanbu- he’s being selfish not going to the doctor. I accept he may feel embarrassed but that isn’t a good enough reason when the snoring is causing you sleeplessness & distress. ExP was the most dreadful snorer & eventually I resented him sooo much for lying there like a hog while I seethed with exhaustion. He also refused to seek help and said that if I was really tired then I would just sleep . This alone wouldn’t have broken us up but it was indicative of his selfishness.
I sleep well now with DD for company sometimes. She doesn’t snore & fart all night - bliss.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/09/2019 07:08

@sparklefarts only for 12 years! He also walked off to work when I was miscarrying and said 'let me know how you get on'... but that's another story!

AnneKipanki · 07/09/2019 07:21

GP appointment. Sleep clinic assessment.
CPAP required perhaps.

Flightsoffancy · 07/09/2019 07:21

I too sleep next to a snorer and it's difficult. I hate disturbing his sleep as it's not his fault and he does try various solutions. A chilli pepper nasal spray (you can get it on Amazon) has been good, but I don't think it lasts all night. We often sleep in separate rooms. Neither of us likes it but it's generally worth it for the sleep! I've found some very comfortable foam earplugs, and if I have the monitor next to me then I can hear my DD through them if she cries (although my DH often gets up with her). I'm also about to invest in some SleepPhones, which are Bluetooth headphones in a soft band - apparently very comfortable. Good luck - lack of sleep is utterly miserable.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/09/2019 07:33

DH is a snorer. Through the week we tend to sleep in different rooms because he gets up at 5:20am and I'm in chronic pain so don't sleep well. Very often I can hear him through the wall and it has been known to hear him downstairs over the tele.

I've been up since 5.45am this morning and he's snoring his head off in bed.

ShinyMe · 07/09/2019 07:41

Does he actually snore all night?

Both my parents snore. My mum snores really badly for the first 45 minutes or so after she falls asleep, and then stops. My dad used to poke her awake and tell her off, so she'd start from the beginning again and end up snoring all night and both of them being furious and grumpy. Then they moved to separate rooms and both snore away as much as they like without being poked and shouted at.

When I've been on holiday with my mum, the snoring is horrendous and it's all I can do to grit my teeth and let her get through it to the bit where she sleeps quietly, but she does stop after a while.

(My dad refuses to believe he snores. Apparently he's just breathing, and the thing we recorded to show him was actually the dog!)

MitziK · 07/09/2019 08:33

I went through a barrage of tests because my ex said I was a fucking pig, I felt horrendous every morning and had some very unpleasant dreams.

After two monitoring nights, they suggested I set up my phone to record secretly over a few nights, as they thought 'perhaps the equipment is altering the position of sleeping'.

He was waking me up throughout the night whether I snored lightly or not, sometimes by shaking me, sometimes by shouting at me - and sometimes, going by the sounds, doing something nonconsensual. I also found that, as I'd already suspected, he snored much louder than I ever did and would wake me up and blame me for his own snoring.

They told me that 90% of people snore at some point during the night, usually in deep sleep and they regarded a partner deliberately waking somebody repeatedly, even if they had sleep apnoea and needed a CPAP, as pointless, abusive and dangerous.

Yours snores. It's shit. Don't keep having a go at him or waking him up. Put earplugs in or get an expensive mattress for the other bed.

kaytee87 · 07/09/2019 09:24

@MitziK that's awful

justilou1 · 07/09/2019 09:32

OMG @MitziK!!! I am so relieved to hear he’s an EX!!! What a horrible waste of oxygen he is!!!

CucinaBreakfast · 07/09/2019 10:53

I am the snorer in our relationship, it gets bad when ive got a cold and poor dh often feels bad waking me. I've told him to roll me on my side or wake me as i hate that i stop him from sleeping. My father is a terrible snorer (can hear him three rooms away with closed doors, it's HORRENDOUS) and so i know the pain.

So basically YADNBU, he needs to actively find a way to reduce his snoring. Sorry you're struggling, sleep (and the lack thereof) is REALLY important!

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