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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you snore, you shouldn’t mind being woken up

69 replies

IFuckingHateSnoring · 06/09/2019 22:57

DH is a wonderful husband, but his snoring is killing me. I mean that literally as the lack of sleep is really taking its toll on my health.

Instead he gets really cross when I wake him up for the 50th time and says that I should just learn to sleep through it. He simply won’t go to the doctor about it; I think he’s ashamed.

I think he sounds like a pig gargling and it makes me alternately sad and furious as I lose hour after hour of precious sleep.

I know it’s going to end up with separate bedrooms, which I hate but it’s going to be essential for my sanity. But we are at his mother’s this weekend and there is no other spare room and it’s awful! (I can’t use ear plugs or an iPod or something yet as our DC are too young and might cry out for us, so I need to be able to hear them. Having such young DC is another thing that makes the lack of sleep so hard to cope with!)

So, who IBU? Should I stop waking him and suck it up, or should he apologise and try to stay awake until I am asleep?

OP posts:
OneHamm3r · 06/09/2019 23:35

And sleep apnea has other pretty identifiable symptoms, you don’t need to cart yourself off to the gp just for a bit of snoring.

Miljah · 06/09/2019 23:37

This saved my same-room marriage!

But it required my DH to recognise that he snores.

As do I, but he sleeps the sleep of the dead.

Moondancer73 · 06/09/2019 23:40

So if you are staying with his DM with weekend maybe she will hear him snoring and have a word? Or can you speak to her and ask her to persuade him to see the GP about it? Otherwise it would be either separate rooms or get rid for me, I've lived with a snorer, it's not pleasant

OneHamm3r · 06/09/2019 23:42

Her dh is a wonderful husband, ridiculous to suggest get rid.

StinkyWizleteets · 06/09/2019 23:47

I feel your pain OP. My oh snores like a hog having sex with a tractor (I stole this from another forum but it describes it perfectly) He did try to get help but didn’t like what the offered so I have to suffer it... because of that I have no issues with rolling him over or giving him a shove multiple times a night. It’s far kinder than what I want to do at 4am for the fifth night in a row of his grunting. He spends a lot of time on the sofa too!

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 06/09/2019 23:48

So you wear earplugs, he gets up with the kids. Aren't you taking it in turns anyway?

Motivation to get to the doctor if nothing else.

Purpleartichoke · 06/09/2019 23:52

Repeatedly waking up someone for snoring is abusive. Stop now.

EL8888 · 06/09/2019 23:53

I wouldn’t wake him up but l would make him roll over -assuming he doesn’t snore in every position. Has he tried losing weight and drinking less alcohol?

donutrehomer · 06/09/2019 23:56

I get less than 3 hours sleep a night due to do dp snoring. Ironically he gets irate if the cat wakes him up before five in the morning. Will moan about it, can't for one moment see what a hypocrite he is being.

My dh finally went to the gp, refused to use anything they gave him and finally he came home with a sleep monitor.

Can you believe it, that one night in 13 years he didn't snore, according to the monitor it showed absolutely nothing.

Im starting to suspect he put it on the cat.

Heartburn888 · 07/09/2019 00:00

I feel your pain! I am living through this nightmare as we speak! My dp turns over on request but I can’t ask too many times as I don’t want to start pissing him off but the snoring makes me want to sellotape his nose and mouth shut. He said he can’t help it. I say I can’t help being enraged by it.

I nipped to the loo earlier in an attempt to make him naturally roll over in his sleep as I got out the bed and I could hear him from the toilet and it’s a floor below our room. It was resonating through the floorboards. I swear I could feel vibrations.

Most nights I go get in one of the kids beds but the kids are here tonight (eow, his children) so I’m shaking my leg every 3 seconds, I’m nearly 7 month pregnant and tired as it is and his youngest will be awake at the crack of dawn so guess I’m in for a shit nights sleep!

But no I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Keep waking him up until he finds a better position where he’s sleeping silently. Might be an idea to remove a pillow from him so he is laid flatter? Works for me sometimes. If not, pm me your address I’ll help you move the body 😂

justilou1 · 07/09/2019 00:08

Omg- 17 years down and it took me playing a recording in front of a marriage guidance counsellor - complete with decibels and a list of things the same volume which included a church which had been fined for noise pollution AFTER it had been sound insulated And had Christian rock bands and gospel choirs performing. SAME VOLUME!!! The counsellor pointed out that refusing to get a sleep study because he “didn’t want to wear a mask” and yet he wanted me to sleep in the same bed was selfish.
He had the sleep study and shock horror had an average of 46 episodes per hour of apnoea which means that if he ever STOPS wearing his mask, I have medical evidence to explain away why he may have been smothered to death in his sleep.

Heartburn888 · 07/09/2019 00:13

Are the masks any good?

Just checking one out on amazon.

My dp likes comfort so are they comfortable

Can feel my eyes going now, dp is sleeping quietly. Best take my opportunity whilst I can!

Over and out x

helpmeiamatoad · 07/09/2019 00:17

Repeatedly waking up someone for snoring is abusive. Stop now.

If she’s being abusive, then so is he, refusing to even attempt to solve the problem that is causing the OP sleep deprivation and health issues.

Mummymummums · 07/09/2019 00:20

Someone I know well is a chronic snorer - so bad that he's lost relationships. You can hear him anywhere in the house. He's been diagnosed with sleep apnoea and now sleeps wearing a mask and does not snore at all now. If he doesn't wear it he snores. After over 30 years he's got a solution. Well worth a visit to GP.

AuditAngel · 07/09/2019 00:21

I can see both sides of this. DH snores, I snore.

DH used to snore the worst, I am a light sleeper, apparently him disturbing me was my problem, he went back to smoking, lost weight, now my snoring is worst, so he keeps poking me. I get that I am disturbing him, but I got told to live with it, so tough.

Having said that, 8 wake myself up with my snoring

CandyLeBonBon · 07/09/2019 00:27

Repeatedly waking someone up for snoring is abusive??
Bollocks is it.

Especially if they won't do anything about it.

I was pregnant with a nephrostomy and my husband was so bad I was sleeping on the floor (not even on a mattress) 8 months pregnant and with a nephrostomy bag strapped to my leg because his snoring was so unbearable I was getting absolutely no sleep.

I was almost psychotic with sleep deprivation and pain and all he could say is 'well it's not my fault'

Not once did he offer to sleep in the spare room. Not once.

Fabellini · 07/09/2019 00:34

@CandyLeBonBon, that sounds awful, but I don’t fully understand...why were you sleeping on the floor if you’ve got a spare room?

CandyLeBonBon · 07/09/2019 00:40

I was sleeping on the floor in the spare room. We didn't have a bed in it at the time and it was the only place I could escape from the snoring

CandyLeBonBon · 07/09/2019 00:42

But yes, I used to nudge him awake. Nothing worked. He'd snore bolt upright in front of the tv, asleep on the sofa. I was beside myself. It was unbearable. And so LOUD.

savingshoes · 07/09/2019 00:44

I can't remember where I read this (could also be an old wives tale!) But it said that women are naturally lighter sleepers than men particularly after having children. They wake up from high pitched noises mostly (crying baby) and never learn to switch off.
So it's not possible to "learn" to sleep through it.
Lots of things contribute to snoring - bad tongue posture, weight gain etc and it's cruel that you are tired and likely to be walking around like a zombie with this sleep deprivation.

Wake him up every time he wakes you up and each time he gets upset - tell him to ring the GP on the next working day.

Good luck with the sleep deprivation over the weekend, I have no suggestions.

Ariela · 07/09/2019 01:03

Mine stops snoring if I say 'Stop snoring' quite loudly.

Original poster
IFuckingHateSnoring · 07/09/2019 05:14

Lots of people in the same boat then! I certainly wouldn’t split over it now, but if he’d snored like this when we first met, it would have been a dealbreaker.

We are lucky and have a spare room, but it is up in the attic so often boiling hot, and it’s a silly L shape, so can only fit single twin beds, whereas we have a lovely comfortable massive bed; neither of us want to move!

I do worry it’s actually apnoea, but I can’t physically drag him to the doctor. I think it’s a denial/embarrassment thing as honestly he isn’t a selfish man.

He definitely does his share of getting up with the DC, but he simply wouldn’t hear them if I didn’t wake him when they cry because he sleeps like a log (which is probably connected to the snoring). That’s also why he can’t understand why I can’t sleep through his tractor shagging hog impression (thanks for that Grin).

Snoring is shit. It really is!

OP posts:
birdlawyer · 07/09/2019 05:24

He refuses to either get help for his snoring or sleep in a separate room. He knows full well that his wife, the mother of his children, is suffering sleep deprivation because of him and he is refusing to do anything! He may not be a selfish person usually, but that is selfish!

olympicsrock · 07/09/2019 06:00

I snore but I don’t have sleep apnoea. We have a spare room and I have asked DH to please move rooms if I keep him awake as repeatedly shoving and waking me when i’m Exhausted is unkind. I do offer to sleep in the spare room myself sometimes. He likes sleeping together.

Mothership4two · 07/09/2019 06:06

Tell him to sleep in the attic room until he goes to see his gp. Constantly waking him is obviously not working and will be effecting the health of both of you. And wear ear plugs at mil's, he/she should hear your dc.

My dh also sometimes snores like a pig. I am afraid he gets a prod and told to roll over. He gets grumpy - I do not care. I am an insomniac - sleep deprivation is not funny.

The "learn to sleep through it" comment is probably just grumpiness at being woken up - don't expect a rational argument then!

There are all sorts of anti snoring devices on the market. Couldn't you get him to try one? The suggestions of recording him and playing back is a good idea.