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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

20 week scan not telling the father

30 replies

CPParenttoDD1234 · 06/09/2019 06:59

I’m a long time lurker but don’t post very often.

So three weeks ago my now ExDP became aggressive and violent towards me. I left the family home with my belongings and have barely had any contact with him since.

I’m pregnant with a planned and much wanted baby. It’s our second child together. Since leaving he’s not once asked about the pregnancy and has been doing everything he can to make my life stressful and difficult. He is still seeing his DS one night a week but nothing in between from him.

I have my 20 week scan coming up and I don’t want him there. He booked the scan with me so should know when it is. So AIBU to a) not remind him and b) if he shows up not let him in to the room.

I’ve checked with my midwife and they have said he doesn’t have to be allowed in and that’s my right. I just feel really conflicted and hurt by his actions towards me. Please go easy on me. I’m in a very delicate situation and I’m very shocked and hurt by his actions towards me.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 06/09/2019 07:01

No, yanbu. It’s not a right that he can be there. It should be a special happy time, not you being concerned and worried.

BeanBag7 · 06/09/2019 07:03

YANBU he has no legal right to be there.

Surfskatefamily · 06/09/2019 07:04

It's a hard one... In a way its good to try and have some amicable moments to start the new way your relationship would work as parents not together. But if he's going to use it to be abusive to you then no.
Have you decided what sort of contact you are starting with baby? And does he take dc1?

MissBPotter · 06/09/2019 07:06

No yanbu. If he wanted to be involved in scans etc he could have not been violent towards you!! His actions have consequences.

BeenHereForAges · 06/09/2019 07:06

Can you change the scan date or time to be sure he wont turn up? I wouldn't want him there either.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 06/09/2019 07:07

Why don't you change the appointment?

Surfskatefamily · 06/09/2019 07:07

Sorry I just reread yes he does see dc1
The violence is why would concern me. As you must be worried about seeing him. Just have a real think about it and if you feel up to it it couldn't hurt to try and see if he behaves amicable. It will give you a good idea of whether he can act reasonably in other upcoming situations.

scatteredglitter · 06/09/2019 07:08

Have you contacted the social worker in the hospital you attend ? Would they be able to offer some support and help to you around this time, ?

ColaFreezePop · 06/09/2019 07:15

Ask to change the scan date.

Failing that you are just going to have to ask the hospital to remove him if he turns up as it is a medical appointment for you.

Then ensure all the people treating you know you are estranged and not to give him any information about your pregnancy.

The baby isn't a person in their own right until they are born. Even then until they have discharged you he has no right to turn up to see the baby.

Do you have other people to support you in rl?

Are you married? If not it is actually better for you in some respects but worse in others.

londonrach · 06/09/2019 07:17

Id change the day and warn the hospital

Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 07:21

oh sweetheart you absolutely do not have to have him there if you don;t want to,. Likewise with birth - and don't let him try to tell you he has a right to be there.

With my eldest my ex and I had split up and the midwife made a point of asking me when we were alone if I was okay having him there,and later at the birth I was asked, quietly, privately if I wanted him there.

You don;t need to tell him anything and he has no right to be invol;ved - fact is, yes, he is the child's father and will have a say going forward, but right now YOU are the patient and he has no right to know anything

Drogosnextwife · 06/09/2019 07:25

No op if you do not wish to have a man who physically assaulted you there, you do not need to allow him to be there.

BlueSuffragette · 06/09/2019 07:25

Change the scan date. Dont tell him. He has no right to be there. Good luck OP. Flowers

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 06/09/2019 07:59

I tried to change the date or time but they couldn’t as it was too late and they didn’t want to delay the scan any later.

Thank you for all your kind posts I just needed reassuring I wasn’t being irrational or mean. I do have support and have someone coming with me. I have pre warned the hospital and when I next see the midwives will speak with them as well to prevent him coming into the labour room. I think labour is a really vulnerable experience and don’t want anyone with me except a midwife.

OP posts:
Icantthinkofanynewnames · 06/09/2019 08:01

I'm not sure. I think you would not be unreasonable to not remind him, that's fine. But I think you would be unreasonable to not let him in if he turns up. It's his baby too, and I'm sure you'll be the first to be furious if he decides he doesn't want to be involved in the baby's life.

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 06/09/2019 08:06

I actually wouldn’t mind if he had nothing to do with the children. I wouldn’t ever stop him seeing either child and would encourage it but if he chose not to that’s completely his own choice and I’m more than capable of looking after them alone as I’m very independent and have pretty much done everything myself already. I have great support around me both friends and family. But to make it clear I am 100% happy for him to have an active role in his children’s life if that’s what he wants. I just don’t want him there during appointments making me feel uncomfortable

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 06/09/2019 08:14

I definitely wouldn't encourage or remind him about anything - right now you need to protect yourself in all ways and keep him out of the hospital. Put your mental health first.

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 06/09/2019 08:23

@Wheresthebeach will definitely put my mental health first!

OP posts:
Lowlandlucky · 06/09/2019 08:41

If he is aggressive and violent why do you allow him to take your child one night a week ?

MildThing · 06/09/2019 08:46

How come he made the appointment?

They would have to re-arrange if you were ill on the day. I would honestly talk to them again and say you do not want the stress of a confrontation in the waiting room.

He violently assaulted you’

As for ‘it’s his baby too’: your body does not become joint property just because you are pregnant. What is our status as women if this is the case? And you do not have to compromise in creating a relationship with a man who violently assaulted you.

The 20 week scan is a medical screening scan, not a ‘meet the baby’ Social occasion . He has no more business being there than when you pee on a strip to test your sugar levels at midwife appointments.

OP, you are doing so well and I am sorry this has happened.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2019 08:50

This prick lost any moral 'rights' to be involved in the pregnancy when he attacked the OP. He has no legal rights at all regarding the baby until it is born, and it's absolutely fine to ban him from the maternity unit.
Good luck, OP. Keep contact with him to the absolute minimum you can get away with - for DC as well as you. It's better to have no father present than a shit, abusive one.

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 06/09/2019 09:11

Unfortunately he has every right to his child despite what he has done to me. They say it’s in the child’s best interest and I’m trying hard to keep it civil and calm. He has ALOT of money and I can’t battle through courts. If I can let him have 1-2 nights to keep him away from courts it’s better for everyone. If he even touches our child he will never see them again. It’s quite simple. But all his aggression and violent behaviour was aimed at me not the child

OP posts:
Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 06/09/2019 09:33

Did you report him to the police? Your GP? If you didn’t l would do this, just so there is a trail so to speak of his violence towards you. Do not trust that he still won’t go to court. I bet you wouldn’t have ever imagined that he would be violent to his pregnant DP..

I would not remind him or update him of any details of your pregnancy. I wouldn’t tell him when l was in labour etc and certainly wouldn’t be alone with him whatsoever, when the baby is born.

Also, maybe ask this thread to be moved to relationships for ongoing support.

Flowers for you

MildThing · 06/09/2019 10:07

“Unfortunately he has every right to his child despite what he has done to me. “

Yes, but that right does not extend to a right to an unborn child while still in YOUR body. We are not in Alabama or such like.

But controlling men like to control
Women’s bodies.

If you have not already done so, I would call the DV unit of your local police station. And take advice from Women’s Aid. Did anyone else witness any marks or damage to clothing etc that he caused in the assault?

In the absence of money for lawyers a police report can be very helpful.

whattodowith · 06/09/2019 10:15

YANBU, it is a medical appointment and he has no legal right to be there. I think people forget antental scans are medical and not just an opportunity to 'see the baby'.