To ignore my crying daughter or could it be something else?

[whatsdoido]

Name change
DD-10 has always been fine staying away from home without me there. Has stayed at DH parents during the holidays regularly since she was a toddler without either parent. Happily stayed at friends houses for sleepovers. Last easter she went on a brownies “pack holiday” and called me crying to come home on night 1. She was so so desperate but I told her to wait it out, called again next morning begging me and I let her come home as it wasn’t like her to be “homesick”. Since that event, her staying anywhere away from me or DH has been a huge struggle. Even the thought of going to her grandparents she will cry and cry for hours, cry in the car there and get herself into a huge state wanting to come home. She will no longer go to friends sleepovers and sometimes doesn’t even want to go to afternoon parties without the sleepover element. It’s just such a U turn from her normal behaviour with regards to staying away from home. She’d been on many school trip weeks away before- now the idea of going on the year 6 one is a no go area for her and she point blank refuses. Any ideas? :/

No, don’t ignore. I thought this thread would be about controlled crying, but no, she’s ten! Something has happened to trigger this huge anxiety - you need to figure out what it is.

Sorry- feel the title is a bit misleading - didn’t really know how to word it and was rushing! Just don’t know if it’s a standard homesick phase she’s going through and I should just let it happen

Why would you consider actively ignoring your anxious 10 year old when she’s crying?
You need to try and figure out the trigger of this. What happened either on that trip or the one before to cause a u-turn.

Doesn't sound standard at all. I suggest you listen to her and let her not do sleepovers for now. Giving her some control over the situation will really help with anxiety. If it's still a problem in a few years you can work together to solve it.

Sorry op I agree with hawthoria. I’d be very concerned about what may have happened to set this off. Did she tell you at the time why she was so upset at the brownies pack holiday?

For what it’s worth, my sister was like this. She had separation anxiety due to my parents divorce. It took years for her to feel comfortable on a sleepover

Don't push it. Right now she needs to be with her parents, no need for sleepovers if she is feeling anxious about it. Give her a break from them and when she is feeling a bit more confident then slowly introduce them again. You will make it worse by making her go.

I’d worry what’s happened to her honestly. :/

Did she give you a reason as to why she wanted to come from the brownie holiday?

I would be very suspicious of what started her to change so abruptly. How could you possibly ignore this?!
Surely you need to make her feel safe and also ask around what has made her this way?

I think she has lost trust in you.
She begged you to pick her up and you felt at the time it was the right decision to leave her until the next day. She probably felt abandoned and frightened and you left her like that. Obviously you are not intending to be mean but I wonder if that has traumatised her slightly?

I'd maybe apologise about that instance that you made the wrong decision and see if that opens up a conversation.

It sounds like anything similar triggers her to a traumatic event that must have been that night? I remember staying away at my grandmothers cold creeky spare room.
I was terrified, like frozen. I eventually plucked up the courage to ask to get in bed with her (i wasn't even super close to her). If she had said no, I would have had a night of terror I think. In my tired mind I was imagining all Sorts of scary things and I just wanted my mum.

I think saying sorry will really help and ask her how she felt and why.

Hope that helps. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, as parents we often think we are doing the right thing but in that instance I think you made a mistake and the consequences are playing out now. That's my hunch.

Agree with Perdigal

I remember one of dds friends getting tearful and crying more than is usual at the same age, having never been remotely the type that cried easily. Having had sleepovers since it was sharing babysitting, our house was/is a second home. One occasion Dp had to be evicted to the spare room at 3am so she could get in bed with me. Another occasion she burst into floods of tears during lunch, adamant she didn’t know why, but she just wanted her Mum. Her mum just went with it.

I also had to collect a tearful dsd at 1am from her (lovely) Aunt’s when she was about 10, with no logical reason. She’s off to Uni soon and still can’t explain more than she just wanted to come home.

She's obviously developed huge anxiety but it may not necessarily be directly connected with the trips away. Maybe a catalyst rather than a direct cause.
She's at an age when underlying anxieties can become worse - prospect of changes to come eg secondary school,puberty etc.

If it continues it may be worth seeking some professional help.

Does she still go to and enjoy brownies?

I am slightly amazed at some of the posts on this thread. Professional help? Come on.
It’s perfectly possible that this homesickness has developed with no sinister underlying cause. It happened with dd at a slightly younger age and many of her friends. This needs careful management but if you just accept that she can never stay away she will not get over this. You need to talk to her and find out if anything happened and if not help her see her fears while real as essentially irrational and capable of being overcome with time.

My little sister got terrified when she read Children of the Dust at a similar age and then came on holiday with me. She had nightmares that our DP were gone; we had to go home and she was then fine to stay a few more days at my place nearer to them. It really had a huge impact for quite a while though. She might also have started her period very early and still be embarrassed to say so. You need to dig into this, and I'd worry too that she had been bullied by kids or hurt by an adult, but there could be many different explanations so wait to see. It's a funny age where children look big and act like teenagers at times, but they still need big hugs and little kid comfort. Please give her that comfort and encourage her to open up.

(I meant your DD might have started her period, DS was later but 2 girls from my primary school started at 10.)

DS went through this aged about 8 I think went from happily staying anywhere to being hysterical. Cried every night on holidays with his Dad and his Step Dad whereas he'd done it all happily before and wouldn't even stay with his Nan. Now at 14 he will stay anywhere. Never found out what caused his sudden anxiety about being away from me but it went away.

I agree with the pps - by not collecting her when she was distressed the initial problem has become worse because she feels that if she feels that way again you won’t collect her. And I am not berating you for what you did, I’ve done similar with dd and made a small problem actually quite huge by trying to jolly her through it with a no-nonsense approach.

We all do what we think is best at the time.

I’d be curious as to the reason she wanted to come home from camp and work from there. Also tell her she doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to, including the yr6 residential. My dd didn’t do hers along with two others from her year. Made zero difference to anything despite all the gumf from school about it being “unmissable” and how they all change into grownup confident preteens whilst away

Never ignore signs of distress from your child.

I think you need to keep an open mind - you’re not in a position to write it off as “ just homesickness” and it’s not sensible to be fixated on thinking that something must have happened- but either one of those two things may be true. I would back off from requiring her to go to any sleepovers - especially at non relatives. I would also broach the subject in a massively non confrontational way. I wouldn’t sit her down because that seems excruciating but I would ask when you’re both together but not looking at each other ( eg the two of you in the car.) Then if she seems comfortable “ Tell me about brownie camp” but please don’t ask her leading questions eg “ did someone hurt you”. If she doesn’t tell you anything don’t get frustrated - she might not understand it herself. Just offer reassurance.

Not the same situation but my 6 year old had started crying going to bed, saying he can't close his eyes as they hurt, he would get so distressed. The following night he did the same, i gave cuddles and tried talking and reassuring. In the end he started saying he doesn't want to die. After a long chat he told me that last week when he was at a close friend of mines house, her son and my son watched a you tube video of a mum beating up her son. Obviously i have been distraught myself thinking why was he allowed to watch such a horrible video. Spoke to my friend and you tube is now banned from both houses. There is always a reason why children act out. Speak to her about how she is feeling

It sounds like she would benefit from learning some anti-anxiety techniques, breathing, body scan, visualisation. You could get her a meditation app if she has a phone or check out some books together.

Have you asked her why she is upset? Speak to her when she's calm and not about to go and stay somewhere.

Something happened at brownies. Don’t ignore her if she’s upset and don’t force her to go anywhere if she doesn’t want to.