To ignore my crying daughter or could it be something else?

[whatsdoido]

Name change
DD-10 has always been fine staying away from home without me there. Has stayed at DH parents during the holidays regularly since she was a toddler without either parent. Happily stayed at friends houses for sleepovers. Last easter she went on a brownies “pack holiday” and called me crying to come home on night 1. She was so so desperate but I told her to wait it out, called again next morning begging me and I let her come home as it wasn’t like her to be “homesick”. Since that event, her staying anywhere away from me or DH has been a huge struggle. Even the thought of going to her grandparents she will cry and cry for hours, cry in the car there and get herself into a huge state wanting to come home. She will no longer go to friends sleepovers and sometimes doesn’t even want to go to afternoon parties without the sleepover element. It’s just such a U turn from her normal behaviour with regards to staying away from home. She’d been on many school trip weeks away before- now the idea of going on the year 6 one is a no go area for her and she point blank refuses. Any ideas? :/

my eldest is 12 and has stayed away from home with family, groups, activities since she was a toddler, if she was suddenly now unwilling to go to the point that she's crying then I'd be wondering why

When I turned 8yo, I heard something on the radio that really shook me up. From that point I was petrified that someone would come in the house and murder is all. I was so scared, I would wait until my parents were in bed and go out something in the front room lock, only then I could fall asleep. Then I was up first to undo it so noone knew. I was to ashamed to tell my parents. It lasted about 6-12 months and then was fine. My parents didn't know until many years later.

If your dd is scared, respect her fears. Encourage her to talk about them but don't force her to go out it could make it much worse. Most likely she'll grow out of it on her own.

My dd went through something similar. In her case it was as simple as she was expecting me to pick her up from an after school club but another mum picked her up.

She’d had a bad (nothing terrible just usual 8 year old stuff) day at school and had been expecting to be able to offload onto me and the other mum collecting her just threw her. Additionally she’d been desperate for the loo in the other mum’s car.

She burst into tears (highly unusual) as soon as she got in and refused to travel with anyone except me for 2 years. She still doesn’t like being left anywhere.

WRT to the residential-i would promise (and mean it) your dd that if she was unhappy you would pick her up after the first day. Maybe even take her back later in the week if she felt up to it. Her friends could just be told she was poorly.

I was like this at 10, I was on a brownie pack holiday and the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night and scared the hell out of me. I don’t know if that’s what triggered it but I really struggled at friends sleepovers and my grandparents house after that for a good couple of years, I was fine in the evening but as soon as it was time for bed I would cry and pretend I was ill so my mum would pick me up. I didn’t feel safe at night unless I knew she was close by.

I agree that this is worrying. It would be different if she had always had this anxiety, but the sudden change is alarming and it could be important to get to the bottom of why. At 10 she should be able to help you understand. It sounds as though something happened to trigger it.

Also, if the fear stemmed from a sudden (even non-sinister) trauma, then letting her just avoid the situation recurring isn't necessarily good advice in terms of her mental health. Which isn't to say that throwing her in to sink or swim is appropriate either. You really need some more context to work out a strategy.

My DDs always knew that I'd go and get them if they wanted / needed. They've both finished their degrees now and sil know that it still stands. They comment occasionally on it, knowing that no matter what or where they could rely on me. That's not to say things were always smooth! We definitely had our bleugh times. I'd suggest a conversation with your DD. Go somewhere neutral, just the two of you, keep it light and gentle.

She's only 10, she doesn't need to stay away from home, or to like doing so just yet.

I'd agree with a previous poster, she's terrified of feeling the way she did that beaver holiday so is anxious about anything like it.

When one of ours was struggling with beavers my husband got dbs checked and stayed on as a helper for a while, gradually moving to staying for 10 mins then quietly leaving. Now they're both fine. Could one of you do similar?

You can't just tell them to snap out of it tbh, she feels how she feels.

Could the GDGPs stay at yours with her. Is it being in a strange place (rather than home) or that she is away from you.

I remember "contagious" homesickness on many school trips around that age. One girl would start crying and that set many others off in a chain reaction. There are lots of other non-sinister reasons why a school trip could trigger separation anxiety, for instance:

Insomnia - I was never homesick per se but kept waking up around 2am and had to lie in the dark for hours not being able to fall asleep. That experience alone was enough to make me really anxious about future trips.

Peer Pressure/Gossip - Girls on overnight trips tend to intensify their friendship groups and there were seemingly trivial things like some girls being invited to another one's room with others being left out.

Lack of Routine or Control - After a sleepless night I'd feel groggy or light headed the next day but all kids are dragged along in the same activities. Not being able to say you're not feeling well or want to rest adds a lot anxiety to sensitive children.

Emerging Phobias - I developed emetophobia later in life and one of the earliest signs was feeling very out of sorts at hearing that another girl vomited during a trip. I wasn't able to define the phobia for years (age 8-13) but it added a lot of anxiety around school activities. Emetophobia is extremely similar to anorexia and caused by the same distorted thinking patterns. In the vast majority of cases it's not caused by poor parenting or trauma and there are simply personality types that make people, especially girls, more susceptible.

I agree that it’s not helpful to allow her to become completely avoidant. Graded exposure building her ability to cope is better but you need first to ensure you understand the trigger. It is not necessarily something sinister but you need to understand it.

I agree with the "something happened at Brownies". My DH tells a story where he went to stay with his GP's around age 8 and accidentally saw a story on the news about a serial killer and was absolutely terrified. He was afraid to tell anyone so called his mum and started to cry. She came to get him immediately as that was not like him. The GP's were completely bewildered and hurt, and it was only because he had such a secure bond with parents that he told them about a year later.

I think you really need to get to the bottom of this and have an open and honest conversation with her about the problem. It could be anything.

Hey OP, is the issue staying away from you or staying away from home?