Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How long until you KNOW someone?

35 replies

Ohbuggerlugs · 05/09/2019 21:48

So, I know it’s one of those questions where the response will be “I thought I knew them and then...”

But how many years do you have to have been with someone romantically, to see their worst side and best? To KNOW them? All of them?

How long do you think you have to have been with/known them to feel you truly do know them?

I’ve been with DP 3.5 years no where near ready for marriage, no where near ready for children. I still feel like we have so much more getting to know each other to do...

We have both had complex upbringings, and times on this earth, and that probably doesn’t help.

But Is it just one of those things? Will we never/ever truly know?

Do you KNOW your DP?

OP posts:

Heartburn888 · 05/09/2019 22:19

I don’t think you can ever fully know someone.

I have been with my partner nearly 3 years now and although we do say regularly that we know each other pretty well I.e favourite foods/programmes/what the other is going to say next, I don’t feel like I always know him entirely and I wouldn’t want to as I like to keep a shred of mystery lol

AppleKatie · 05/09/2019 22:28

DH and I have been together well over 10 years I don’t think I ‘know’ him completely yet.

I’ve seen him at his worst, I’ve seen him ill, he’s seen me pregnant and vulnerable etc etc... but there’s always more isn’t there?

LatentPhase · 05/09/2019 22:29

Agree you can never truly know someone and that’s ok. And actually not making assumptions is also good for a relationship.

Every committed relationship carries risk, every marriage a leap of faith.

I have a failed marriage behind me and have grown up a lot since then. I think we need to know ourselves as best we can, too!

Been with DP for 3.5years and seen how he deals with stress and adversity. He’s a pretty good egg.

Osirus · 05/09/2019 23:44

I agree. I’ve been with DH 13 years and there’s definitely things he doesn’t know about me. I’ve kept some things to myself. I might tell him one day.

I don’t know about him though.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/09/2019 23:53

I don’t think you can ever fully know someone or say for certain what they’re capable of; but you can know enough about their patterns of temperament, behaviour, attitude and to reasonably predict what they might do in a given situation or whether you’re compatible. I’d say at least two years.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 06/09/2019 00:13

Unfortunately you can be with someone for years and be very, very wrong about them 😥 So I am not sure that I would ever feel comfortable to say i know someone again.

DramaAlpaca · 06/09/2019 00:16

I reckon I know DH as well as I ever will, but we've been together 30 years so I should bloody well hope so. He'd say the same about me. We still manage to surprise each other occasionally though.

WhitePhantom · 06/09/2019 00:28

You can never truly know someone else. If you truly know yourself you're doing really, really well.

lyralalala · 06/09/2019 00:29

I think you only ever know as much of someone as they want you to know.

areukiddingme · 06/09/2019 00:35

Never.... never ever ever ever .. never and anyone that thinks otherwise is wrong eg I have Misophonia and I have hidden it from my husband and EVERYONE for 46 years ... we all have our secrets

Johnjoeseph · 06/09/2019 00:38

Not until you have have children with them IME...

BackforGood · 06/09/2019 00:54

I also think that we all change - evolve if you like - over the years, so the person you 'knew' when you married them might change either just with age and experience or because of some life event that happens along the way.
I do think before you commit in any relationship it helps if you have seen how the other person responds when things don't go their way..... angry; withdrawing; sulking; hitting out (physically, or verbally or emotionally; blaming others; being rational; walking away; etc etc....... not saying any one way is right, but some people find some of them harder to live with than others.

70sWitch · 06/09/2019 00:59

150000 years. Give or take.

Time40 · 06/09/2019 01:18

I don't think one can ever truly KNOW someone, OP - and nor should one, because that would take the magic and mystery away.

... on the other hand, with a romantic partner, it's possible to get pretty damn close ... and I think that takes a few years.

commanderdalgleish · 06/09/2019 03:23

I don't think you ever can truly. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. 3.5 years seems long enough to know enough about a person to decide if you want children with them.

FWIW we had our daughter eight years after we met, and our son 12 years after and we're still not married! And I don't think I know everything about him at all.

IAmNotAWitch · 06/09/2019 04:10

Mate, I haven't even figured myself out yet!

You can never truly know a person. You can only go on their past behaviour.

Grumpos · 06/09/2019 04:24

Nah never.
You never really know yourself either do you - i mean I surprise myself sometimes with my feelings and thoughts (not so much actions).
People change, life changes, things happen to us sometimes which changes us forever and there’s just no working around it.
I think you can know someone’s character well and you can usually rely on behaviour patterns and personality traits to stay basically the same but for them to never surprise you again? No.
3.5 years is not that long in the grand scheme of a life, I’ve got socks older

BeepBeeeep · 06/09/2019 05:36

I don't think you ever get to know someone 100% because there's always that 2% they will hold back.
I've been with my husband 35 years and he still says he doesn't fully know me as I probably don't fully know him.
Would we really want to know someone 100% though?

thepeopleversuswork · 06/09/2019 05:56

I think Comtesse has it about right. You can't ever fully know someone because you never show your whole self to someone, particularly if you're romantically involved with them.

I think the critical thing is to see how someone reacts to: disappointment, frustration, situation with the potential for jealousy.

After two years you should have encountered enough "friction" to have seen some of this and gauge the responses.

Other point I would make is that you don't know someone really until you've lived with them and can understand their foibles. Which is partly why I would really hesitate to live with someone again.

FreyaMountstuart · 06/09/2019 07:06

I think I’m beginning to know my DH a bit more lately (after 35 years together) - certain things now make more sense iyswim - looking forward to what more I find out over the next 35!

LoveThatJazz · 06/09/2019 07:12

After 10 years, I know DH well enough to predict his behaviour/choices/reactions 95% of the time.

But he still surprises me sometimes! I love that there's always more to learn as you change/grow too.

NearlyGranny · 06/09/2019 07:14

46 years and we still surprise each other sometimes, in good and bad ways! That's because we're living, thinking, reading, listening, changing, growing.

Him: But you always said you thought X about that!

Me: Yes, I always did, but then I learned Y and now I think Z.

Beware, though: there is a real tendency for reversion to type if you aren't careful. Look hard at the person's parents and ask yourself whether you'd want to live with either of them...

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 07:38

well I knew my H pretty well I think as we were together from 18. But now, people i've dated? no, you can't know everything about them, even if you think they're telling you everything. I agree with lyralalala - you can only know what they want you know, what they show you, even if that's not real.

GinNotGym19 · 06/09/2019 07:42

I don’t think you can ever fully know someone!
I think people change and their values change.

daisychain01 · 06/09/2019 07:45

We all change and evolve through life. Our environment can also influence our perspectives and who we are as people.

As long as you both trust each other and when push comes to shove you care and support each other, you should be able to give each other the elbow room in the relationship to continue to develop and change without the need to "know" everything about each other.

The more trust there is the less you need to be definitive about knowing. Rejoice in the discovery!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread