How long until you KNOW someone?

[Ohbuggerlugs]

So, I know it’s one of those questions where the response will be “I thought I knew them and then...”

But how many years do you have to have been with someone romantically, to see their worst side and best? To KNOW them? All of them?

How long do you think you have to have been with/known them to feel you truly do know them?

I’ve been with DP 3.5 years no where near ready for marriage, no where near ready for children. I still feel like we have so much more getting to know each other to do...

We have both had complex upbringings, and times on this earth, and that probably doesn’t help.

But Is it just one of those things? Will we never/ever truly know?

Do you KNOW your DP?

Most people don't even know themselves properly.

You can never know anyone fully.

Never.

I agree Daisychain if you have trust, that negates the need to know everything. Trust takes a while to be earned though I think - I've been too trusting in the past when the person doesn't deserve my trust. And now I don't give people many chances - if I can't trust them (to be honest, to be kind, to be un-abusive), I walk.

People change all the time. Me and my husband are both very different people from the 2 20-somethings that started going out together 20 years ago. We've had children, work and life stresses, changes of circumstances (multiple changes!), health problems, mental health problems. Etc.

Life constantly changes, as does the person you are with. People often tell you relationships and marriage take a lot of hard work. And it's true. You need to be will to fight through the inevitable tough periods if you want your marriage to last. (And don't ever post in AIBU about a problem you have with him because the overwhelming advice will be "Leave him").

Interesting and not what I thought I’d get back! I agree I don’t really know myself yet. I’m still relatively young but that clock is ticking. When you see people ending up with monsters, did they actually know this before they married, or was it that they didn’t show this until they had the ring on the finger? Surely not? Surely they knew? My DP is a good, very good man. But I still don’t feel like I know him, know him. And I don’t think he knows me!

I really don’t think 3.5 years is long at all!

I've been with mine 3 years. We're married and have a 2 year old and he's a stepdad to my other kids. I feel I know him well and love him. But I'm always learning new things about his childhood and his past.

Been together 12 years, since we were 18.

The picture is complicated by how we've changed, and by how well I understand myself, and how I've seen what difference who he is makes to his decisions.

Some things about him I learned on a basic level very early on are only now really clear in what they mean to me, and what they'll mean to our future - like his ability to put other people first. Or his all or nothing work ethic (he is simultaneously the laziest and most hard working and dutiful man I know).

Some things I have only just learned or noticed. For example - how very, very loyal and forgiving he is of the people he loves. I don't know what I'd have to do for him not to forgive me. I've seen how his stubbornness can hurt himself and other people.

In short... knowing someone's traits is a very simple thing. Living with them and understanding the difference is a far more significant thing.

Never. I don't even know my 10 year old completely and I gave birth to her. People are so complex and whatever anyone says, people do change and grow and adapt.

My stbxh turned into a “monster” as you say, after 13 years! Turned into a completely different person.
Don’t let that put you off though haha. It was good for a long time but age, work and stress I suppose changed him. I think it helps if you meet someone when you’re a bit older, we met as teens and people do change a lot in their twenties/thirties

Experiences change us, loss and grief change us, parenthood changes us, our jobs change us, our health and emotional wellbeing changes us. I can't think of anyone I've known a long time who hasn't changed hugely since we first met.

DH and I have been together over 12 years and he's not the person I met years ago. His priorities are different, his politics are different, his beliefs are different. Fortunately he's still fabulous, but I don't think for one second that in another 12 years he'll be the man he is today, and all I can do is hope that he continues being lovely.

I think that's all anyone can do; hope for the best and deal with life as it comes.