oh I AM, I KNOW, I am overreacting and the rest, but MIL is ANNOYING ME

[fillyjonk]

And why?

She INSISTS on my kids (aged 2 and nearly 4) wearing a bloody plastic BIB at every meal they take with her

I tried losing ours, a thoughtful Christmas present from her to us (note not her to the kids).

But she has bought more and this time carries them with her when she comes to visit so that there is no chance of either of her grandchildren going bibless for a meal.

It is turning into a stand off. At the start of each meal, including those involving only sliced apples and rice cakes, she whips out the bibs and sighs and says to the kids, "well, better get these on you, I suppose".

I am not sure WHY it annoys me so much, and I accept that I am making a mountain out of a molehill but it is SO annoying.

I could possibly cope if they were nice bibs and my kids were about half their current ages.

Well Expat, hopefully when she comes to vsiit and sees what a difference the countryside/garden etc has had on her ds and grandchildren she will accept it more.

I know it's hard for them - I moved 200 miles away from my parents with my 2 dd's at the time ( now have 3) and they were terribly upset about not having the relationship they used to have with them. BUt msn, emails, frequent vists, the telephone etc have made it easier.

i like my mil but i have similar issues with her cleaning.
it does feel like she is saying 'what a dirty house you live in' when she starts cleaning out my kitchen cupboards.

but she is dh's mum and he is fab! so did a good job bringing him up!

i'm with filly and her 'it doesn't harm' approach.

although what does wind me up is when she emails to say she had a lovely time and thank you for having her ' although i'm not sure janitor enjoyed it!'

after i have done my best to make her welcome.

my kids would have the mother of all tantrums if she tried to make them wear bibs though!

Janitor - personally I would always email or phone and ask what she meant by that comment...

omg that would wind me up janitor

it DOES wind me up, of COURSE it does, thats why I'm on here

But I'm a grown woman, and more importantly, bascially a happy woman. I have my kids at a nice, dependent stage where they want me to tuck them up in bed every night . She doesn't. And I think she has some regrets about that period in her life too, I don't know exactly what. She also, I think, is very aware that she is unlikely to live to see them grow up-I said to her recently that we were discussing the options for ds when he finishes kindergarten at 7 (he is nearly 4). She said- "well, I wouldn't worry about what I think-I doubt I'll be around to see it." She is, I think, 71 and obsessively healthy.

WTF kind of life or attitudes or whatever must a person have to behave like this? I scarcely think she is happy. Actually I suspect she is quite depressed but won't seek help becuase that is Not The Done Thing.

Also, she IS technically a relative of mine. Why would I want to cause ructions with her? She is clearly in the wrong re the drawers, she MUST know she is in the wrong, so-whatever really. She doesn't need me to point that out.

Am not going to go in all self-righteous here. I AM going to whinge on here instead, because it is very very annoying to have to move all my...personal...items out of the drawers in my room and into the loft (she has arthritis) every 6 weeks.

lol at having to defend my decision not to have a barny with her, surely its normally the other way round?

Filly - fair play you sound a very considerate, kind and patient person.

Personally I wouldn't have an argument with her I'd just put a lock on the bedroom dooor and if she asked why I'd say it was to keep the dc's out. Then I'd say 'do you want a key for any reason?'

actually that is not a bad idea, fred. And it WOULD keep the dc out

cctv - make sure you tape it! Then you and your husband can sit down and watch the footage when she goes home!

she sounds like one of those frightened-of-mess people.

Get your older child to ask sweetly one day, 'please gran, can I not wear the bib today?'

OO they're are buggers - my MIL tutted at my not very polished glasses and sends them back if there is a mark - I'm telling you there should be a MIL support group. I've successfully avoided speaking to mine for 3 months now

appalling grammar today ..

We should respect our elders even when they are incredibly rude?

Surely you get respect when you behave politely, considerately and like a normal person, regardless of how old you are.

And the older you are, the more you should know better I reckon.

actually I think its a rather good principle to just try to respect others

what they want to do is their own business, really.

you can't demand respect, and life is really too short to worry about whether you are getting what you are entitled to from others, IMO.

? Funny game! But I thought you said you were annoyed with MIL because she ignores what she says therefore doesn't respect you? You're all sixes and sevens. YABU for even posting this beef!

eh?

lol at that post, I KNOW I am being unreasonable. And guess what, I'm in a tricky situaiton and haven't worked out exactly what I think about it. My apologies for not providing a soap opera storyline here.

fillyjonk - just wanted to say that you seem to be coping in an admirable way with a trying situation. I think it's always better to avoid a row if poss, even when you are fuming with someone beforehand it is a mistake to give in. Rows are horrible.

Having a little rant on mn helps to get rid of the poison.

I bet you will be an brilliant MIL too!

Filly you have the patience of a saint. I would go loopy at my MIL if she did that to my DD's and god forbid she rummaged through the drawers.

Actually she may well do that and I just don;t know as when the in laws stay we give up our room for them.

I have the opposite problem with my mil - she never seems to show any enthusiasm, I would love it if she did rather than just appear not interested.

I think you should 'use' the oldest child in a sort of 'if you promise to be good, I promise you don't have to wear a baby bib' sort of way...and that way, when MIL whips out the bib, your little one will hopefully say 'but you promised' and then you have to say to MIL 'oh, I promised' what can MIL say?? Other than that, tell her that they don't get bibs at school or nursery and you want to follow through with that at home!

Clever idea, Fairybit. Don't think Filly really wants to do anything about it though.

I don't think using the children would be nice as they may feel confused at who to obey in that sort of situation...and it's nevr good for children to pick up tensions between adults.

The dc's obviously accept that when nan is there they wear the bibs so no harm done I guess.

It really depends on how much it winds you up. If it is a big deal to you then just insist and remove the bibs yourself and say in a firm voive they don;t wear bibs.

ANd when she does it again the following mealtime, do exactly the same thing. There's no need to be rude or confrontational about it - just treat her like a child and be consistant.

you are being totally, completely, over the top unreasonable!!!! AND i would be exactly the same!!

I just think it is hardwired into us to take any suggestions/comments/offers of help from inlaws as a slight on our parenting skills. I find myself completely on edge when my mother in law is around, not to bad with my mother as i am the dominant one in that relationship. I just think that her harmless wanting to help is a critacism and often have to bite my tongue. I dont see them very often so i dont get to the point where it grates on my nerves, i can let it go over my head. When i first took DD to see MIL she did, on queue, what i knew she would and had DD in a strangle hold and was winding her FFS. It was all i could do not to snatch her back and say, what is wrong with you woman cant you see you are stretching her neck! But i didnt, i just said, oh, we dont wind her, she never needs more than just sitting upright. She didnt listen of course, i think she just reverted to form as she did this with her own children.

As for the bibs, do the children mind? If not, grit your teeth, if the children mind then put your foot down, i know that children hate to be made to feel like babies.

I had my own thread re MILs. Also said 'tell me if i'm being unreasonable' what I really meant was 'tell me I'm right so I can get this rant off my chest'. Like the comment about her having to tell the children they weren't grown up. The ace up your sleeve is always the competitiveness between grandparents. Hopefully your own mum is still around and you can do something along the lines of (laughing gaily) 'the children LOVE their other granny cos she treats them like grown ups!'. See her blood freeze in her veins. You can also set fire to the bibs next time she whips them out (before they are round the kids necks, obviously).

Filljonk - about a month ago DH has a huge row with MiL and she then started on me as dh had gone to bed. I told her very clearly I supported DH and that if she wanted to continue coming to see DD she would have to abide by our rules and be respectful of our choices and though she sulked for a week she is now being very polite and reasonable. So clearing the air can help.

But so can be completely clear about things. I told my MiL -I love that you want to be a part in dd's life and she gets so excited to see you....but we do still need to makes sure she sticks to her nap times so she doesn't wind up cranky later. Perhaps you could read her a story while she calms down? etc... This method of sandwiching a message between two good things seems to work (for us at least).

However if I hear one more MiL do the 'but I'm XX years old' excuse I really will start campaigning for euthanasia!

Filly, can you and DH wear bibs too?

In an ironic "yes, we know you're being a controlling harridan and we are poking fun at you, but I don't think there's anything you can do, since there are now FOUR people who are too old for bibs around this table" sort of way?

And then whip out one for her as well?

Filly, personally i wouldn't argue with her. I would firmly tell her we don't use bibs in my house and if she insisted on putting them on the children, i would remove them after a few minutes and repeat that we don't use them.