to refuse to follow my MIL's ridiculous standards of etiquette?

[daisythedog]

I'm not talking please and thank you here. She expects us (meaning husband, me and 2 young children) to follow conventions that would be appropriate for a Jane Austen novel. Do I stand on ceremony purely to stay on her good side, or do I act as I usually do and risk her thinking that i'm an uncivilized yob? By the way, by all reasonable standards I'm a very polite person, and am extremely respectful of other people's feelings.

We'll have to sneak round to yours and leave the odd Jilly Cooper and copy of OK mag in your sitting room, MG, just to even things out a bit

"Oh I have a friend who calls his family room the snuggery. Does that sound a bit smug?"

er, no, sounds a bit smuggery

I should hope so muppet. Just be sure to stick out your little finger if you have a cup of tea...

Quattro - I have 3.5 yr old and am 27 weeks prgt with ds2!

It will definately be a boys room so maybe wii not so great!

I've so enjoyed this thread! My mum went into service in the 1930's and we followed all sort of arcane rules, including the doilies.

I'm a total stickler for manners and as a childminder that does lead to some spirited discussions!! I'm proud that I have insisted that meal at midday is lunch, challenged 'not being nice' to one another and forbidden the use of 'gay' as an insult this week (new mindees!!) and explained why!!

(Sorry off topic there, but part of whole attitude towards yourself and others that is so important.)

I wanted to say that DGD at 20 months is a perfect Lady and only lacks white cotton summer gloves to recreate the 50's look perfectly....anyone know where we can get some?

we have made a deal though, he gets his wii room and has it how he wants (I'm a pale english rose and so will never be in there anyway...) and i get the upstairs room how i'd like.

"forbidden the use of 'gay' as an insult"

prob more realistic to add "within earshot of me" I reckon, earthy.

It's so over-used now I reckon a new insult of choice'll come alomng soon.

my brothers used to call each other 'gaylords'

70's children...

Gay is forbidden. As is swearing

At the table, the following things are forbidden

Getting up from the table (you knew about that already)
Any imitation of Catherine Tate (DD does an all too convincing Bernie).
Nintendo DS
Kicking one another
Leaning back on two chairlegs
Being inane (useful to have a catch all)

oh yes, gaylord.

It's the fact that gay and lesbian are about the only insults round here that make it all so boring. Been talking to teh dds about that recently too.

Had gay friend around last week. Children followed him around the house goggle-eyed expecting him to be like some outrageous stereotype. Was unnerving. Got through it successfully. Complimented him on his amazing way with children.

We weren't allowed to read the paper before my dad. Used to sneak sugar when my mum wasn't looking and weren't allowed to leave the table until all had finished.

We do
don't start until all is there
don't leave until all are finished
Trying to introduce not speaking with mouth full -ds is 3.5 and it's really like watching a food washing machine.

speaking with mouthful and eating with mouth open - impossible to enforce in our household. I don't know when to really clamp down on this - I do know some adults who eat with mouths open and it is revolting - I guess their ma's never told them.

I remember reading somewhere that in bygone days a woman's office was known as a sluttery..... I love it!

If you write MIL a thank-you letter will she write you a thank-you letter thanking you for your thank-you letter ... ad infinitum?

I would love a sluttery , oh! apparently I am in one.

Loving all the etiquette posts! I hate it when people don't use their knife and fork properly, eg picking up glass to sip drink and still holding knife in same hand!

DP's family never sit down at the table to eat. MIL serves all food onto plates, everyone grabs one and a tray and eats in front of the telly, (or takes it up to their room ). She plates up for the whole house even if they're not there to eat yet, so the food just sits around getting all dried up until whoever comes home to eat it.

They have cats and I have seen cat having a nibble of roast beef that is sitting around waiting to be collected. The cat doesn't know any better as it gets fed on the bench tops anyway !!

Sorry - didn't address the OP (now that is ill-mannered!!)

Sending thank you letters is a really nice thing to do. But your MIL shoudn't presume she will receive one, and to let you know that she is expects it is very rude IMO.

YANBU

Sending thank you letters is a nice thing to do but the point of good manners and "etiquette" is surely to make others around us feel happy and comfortable and respected etc. What is and what is not good manners therefore changes with the times.

My kids write letters to the older generation of the family who are not computer litereate, eg grandparents and great aunts and uncles but will dash off a cheery email to aunts, uncles, friends who are of our generation or younger and I consider this quite acceptable. (That is for presents or visits they have made alone. If we have visited as a family then I will do this.)

If we go to a relative's house just for a couple of hours to say "Hi" I don't bother with anything except saying "thanks for having us, it's been lovely to see you" etc as we leave. If we are being provided with a meal I will take a small bunch of flowers and make sure everyone says "thank you " nicely on leaving but won't follow up with a letter or anything. However, if we go for an overnight stay or longer I will always write or email (depending on age of hosts) just to say "thank you" a little more formally. I think, the more effort someone has put into entertaining you, the more effort you put into your thanks.

I would be more formal with non relatives especially if I didn't know them very well.

Would probably politely decline an invitation from your MIL though abm. If it's not too rude of me to say so, it all sounds a bit grim.

computer literate even!

Daisy - insist your dc call their grandmother 'Nan' or 'Nanny'. Revenge is sweet.

My sister had to wear short white cotton gloves in summer even to play outside, from the time she was about 3. She was not allowed to eat a sweet in the street.

After six years of this, mum had three more kids in quick succession and suddenly sis was FREE!

My mum always insisted on thank you letters when people had sent presents and we did not see them to thank them in person. MIL insists on thank you letters even though she sits while we open presents and do thank yous and hugs and kisses (both cheeks since my BIL took up with a Spanish lady, must do everything the Spanish way these days). My mum would be bemused if I handed her a thank you letter when we had already said it to her! We visit MIL every week and usually stay for a meal. Hope she doesn't expect a thank you letter for that

I always send a little card to anyone I've seen for lunch/tea/dinner, or if they've done something for me/given me something - it's just a nice thing to do - I know I'd be really pleased if people did it for me - somehow an e-mail or text just isn't the same.It only takes minutes to write a card too!