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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to follow my MIL's ridiculous standards of etiquette?

173 replies

daisythedog · 08/08/2007 13:03

I'm not talking please and thank you here. She expects us (meaning husband, me and 2 young children) to follow conventions that would be appropriate for a Jane Austen novel. Do I stand on ceremony purely to stay on her good side, or do I act as I usually do and risk her thinking that i'm an uncivilized yob? By the way, by all reasonable standards I'm a very polite person, and am extremely respectful of other people's feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisythedog · 08/08/2007 13:15

Franny - I see your point about teaching kids good manners, but I'd rather my kids feel at home at with their family, rather than feel as if they're staying with strangers. The whole time we're there they please and thank you and help with the dishes etc.

OP posts:
flowerybeanbag · 08/08/2007 13:15

aha was guessing there might be a bit more to it Daisy.
Don't think a letter is too horrendous, depending on circumstances. In general though, assuming you are usually a reasonably considerate and polite person, going along with the less 19th century demands to keep the peace and please her, and politely explaining what you normally do when it gets too ridiculous would probably be ok.

BraceYourselfMavis · 08/08/2007 13:15

Tis true, Kewcumber.
The pots were kept in the bottom of the stands that held the port.

Kewcumber · 08/08/2007 13:16

print something on the computer;

Dear

It was to see you on . I look forward to seeing you and your _ family soon.

Regards

Daisythedog

Then fill in the blanks by hand and post it.

Original poster
daisythedog · 08/08/2007 13:17

didn't mean a few post down that they shouldn't be saying please and thank you and doing dishes just because it's family. meant to point at that they're very polite and helpful during the entire visit.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 08/08/2007 13:19

Sounds like my dear departed maternal g/mother daisy. We were visitors whenever we stayed at her house, but it was much more relaxed and informal at my paternal g/mother's house. Guess it depends on the individual. Are they ancient?

dal21 · 08/08/2007 13:22

Daisy - like other posters, if visits are frequent and we are talking an afternoon/ few hours - then is a bit much.
But I think popping a note to someone is lovely - I do it all the time. And i wish it was something that people would teach their kids to do more often tbh. Email and text just isnt the same.

I would play along to keep the peace.

SeamonstEr · 08/08/2007 13:24

are you allowed to show your ankles?

FioFio · 08/08/2007 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

littlelapin · 08/08/2007 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
daisythedog · 08/08/2007 13:27

Cammellia - not ancient, but of another time for sure.

OP posts:
FioFio · 08/08/2007 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

themoon66 · 08/08/2007 13:30

BraceYourselfMavis..... I LOVE your name

Original poster
daisythedog · 08/08/2007 13:31

fiofio - i like you.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 08/08/2007 13:32

lol fio

Spandex · 08/08/2007 14:25

Surely a verbal thanking on departure along the lines of, "Thank you for having us, granny. Bye bye now." is sufficient and very polite.

pagwatch · 08/08/2007 15:28

My MIL was very embaressed when, before our arrival she had not had the time to "decant the condiments".

dazedandconfunded · 08/08/2007 16:21

Get the kids to draw a picture of Granny's house or something and write a message on the back. They'll probably enjoy doing it.

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 08/08/2007 16:28

OMG

Shattered at the thought of Mr Darcy and Mr Bingley pissing into chamber pots!

rolledhedgehog · 08/08/2007 17:07

Not really the same thing but my MIL and her mother make a point of correcting me when I use terms they think are working class such as 'living room'. I will say 'DD is in the living room' and they will say 'Oh she is in the LOUNGE'. Does anyone actually use the word lounge these days? I am from a working class background and wonderfully proud of it. They are also from working class backgrounds but it seems vitally important to them to hide it. Anyway I though posh people would say 'sitting room' and also at home we always said 'front room' cos we woz proper common.

Also MIL shouted at me when they came to tea the day before my wedding because I offered a biscuit to her instead of her mother first. Shouting at someone for a breach of obscure etiquette in their own home is bloody rude in my working class opinion.

Feel better for getting that of my chest. Now I am going to retire to the living room to lounge.

flowerybeanbag · 08/08/2007 17:09

Is living room unposh then? I say lounge.
Agree sitting room is a bit posh, I know this because that Catherine woman off Escape to the Country uses it and she's well posh!

NoBiggy · 08/08/2007 17:11

I can sit, lounge or live in any of my rooms.

It's my house.

indiasmum · 08/08/2007 17:17

i always say lounge ddnt know it was posh. maybe i am so posh it didnt occur to me

seeker · 08/08/2007 17:22

Sorry - lounge is SERIOUSLY unposh unless it's in a hotel! It should be sitting room, living room or drawing room.

Caroline1852 · 08/08/2007 17:25

I don't like the word lounge, it makes me go all squirmy bottomed.