When as a baby to expect to be responded to by my parents?

[BooseysMom]

Just reading a rather upsetting book DH got me for Mother's Day called 'The Book you wish your Parents had read' by Philippa Perry, a psychotherapist married to the artist Grayson Perry.

One chapter on pregnancy covers attachment parenting and the different versions of this. I'll try to keep it as brief as i can .. basically it's saying if as a baby you were left to 'cry it out' you are likely going to develop neurosis in later life and have a negative outlook and life experiences and not be able to form relationships easily ... all because as a baby your needs were not met and you were left to cry for hours. This really got to me and left me wondering whether my late DM left me for hours which is why i tend to be anxious and find it hard to be positive. I clearly remember her telling me to ignore DS when he was just 6 weeks old! I was utterly flabbergasted .. how can a tiny baby be left to cry? Of course she was the one i ignored! Last night was bad and during my regular insomnia i just kept going over it in my head. I mean, in the old days the advice was to leave babies to cry ..so surely that means most of our generation are in some way screwed up?!
What do you think? Is this woman right to state this? Should i just step away from the book now?!

Happyspud yes yes yes said perfectly.

plus too many variables with what happens later in life.ill health.tragic events.again its the constant parent that will give the child and then adult th chance it needs to be the best it can

but op you do suffer with anxiety so you honing in on this now.which you shouldnt be.your shooting yourself with a second arrow here.so you anxious and nyou have tha tto contend with(first arrow) but now your findining or wondering or blaming or fearing whys.hows.what ifs(second arrow) why cause more distress by wondering if this could be to blame.you cant go back hun.just try your best to keep yourself well now.that is something nyou can (try) and do something about if you feel able to.

I won't read the book as it will probably be bad for my mental health, but I do think leaving a child to cry for comfort is extremely cruel. They aren't even capable of manipulation until at least 18 months so sleep training before that is them realising that their parent isn't going to come and provide love and comfort. That's not self soothing, that's realising that no matter how distressed you are nobody will come. Being an attentive parent the rest of the time can lead to splitting which is not great, so it can't be rationalised that it's OK to leave them sobbing because you read them a bedtime story.

Both DH and I were left to it as children, neither have a close relationship to our parents and both have struggled with mental health issues. It was only after having our own children that hearing what our parents did has horrified us both.

Neither set of parents has any idea of the struggles we have, they think they did a great job as they are unaware of the issues. Obviously they are unaware as we aren't close enough to mention them.

AmIRightOrAMeringue ironically you're wrong about anyone being able to call themselves a psychotherapist. You might be thinking of counsellor or therapist, but not psychotherapist. They'll have undertaken several years of training and be accredited to one of the professional bodies.

HolidaysorBust

ironically you're wrong about anyone being able to call themselves a psychotherapist. You might be thinking of counsellor or therapist, but not psychotherapist. They'll have undertaken several years of training and be accredited to one of the professional bodies.

Where are you getting that from?

Psychotherapist isn’t a protected title.

www.nspc.org.uk/about-the-school/nspc-news/how-to-become-a-psychotherapist/

My mum is the softest woman in the world (makes he nearly tear up if my toddler is crying eg. Doesn't want his nappy changed), and never left me to cry, I slept in her bed for years. And I'm a bag of anxiety

I agree with Pp the answers are more complex and link to genetics and temperament for each individual child.

It always amazes me how advice is given out for child often as a blanket rule but as adults we expect to be treated as individuals.

Just from people i know ( I know it's not very scientific) but the ones who have done cio are not the same as the attachment/ breastfeeding type parents in night or day. Those traits seem to cluster.

I think there is a lot of evidence that chronic sleep deprivation is harmful to children and severely impacts their ability to concentrate when they get to school age.
We need to find a balance.
It is ok to teach your child to sleep in a patient and loving way. This does not mean crying for hours unattended. But yes there probably will be some crying as you are breaking a habit (feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep, being driven around etc.)

But I can see how people with a difficult background latch on to the theories. I’m not sure the book isn’t dangerous for them

Yes I agree with this.

@DoraNora and @kateandme. thank you

@GummyGoddess.. totally agree. It's exactly what she says in the book. It's beyond me how the so-called experts advised this for such young children. The thought of this happening to so many babies inc most probably myself is what triggered the anxiety and brought back upsetting memories of my DM telling me to ignore my DS crying when he was only 6 weeks old.