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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

30 replies

ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:03

Name changed!

Say you’ve met a man, he’s still married but separated, has a child with STBXW...
Exwife left him. She starts divorce proceedings as he’s dragging his feet but signs all the papers and agrees to everything.
You live with parents, no bills or rent, trying to save up. Man lives in ex marital home with all belongings from marriage still there. After 8 months into the relationship you ask him to move in with you so you can both save for a place as Man’s wages are all eaten up by bills, rent, child maintainence etc. Also all this time you pay for everything you do... days out, meals out, clothes for him, presents, extras for his child when they are there, holidays... He says no and you end up still spending all your time together but spread over the two houses. Bare in mind the child would have their own room in your/your parents house and the ExW is happy with it and thinks it’s a good idea too.
He still has family holiday pics including ExW on the mantel piece, one with them holding hands, he always still wears a piece of jewellery she got him when they first dated. They were together over a decaded and only been split a year when you met him.
He tells you he wants to get married and have more children from the beginning but around 18 months in you ask if you can get married and he bluntly says no I don’t want to. You ask if it’s too soon and he scoffs and walks out the room.
All the while you are paying for everything still.... you do loads together, nice days out, meals etc... but you foot the bill 99% of the time as he still refuses to leave the house he’s in, despite staying at yours more often than his, you’re not put on the tenancy or any of the bills.

You’d walk away right? Not sure I’d call him a cocklodger as he is still determined to keep his own place and space...

OP posts:
MRex · 05/09/2019 11:08

You were just a rebound, I'm sorry. Move on.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/09/2019 11:10

Yes, I think you need to walk away. I'm sorry.

NoFucksImAQueen · 05/09/2019 11:11

his not over his ex and why are you not paying your parent rent? wanting to then add a partner and kids to their house rent free so you can save is very cheeky fucker

NoFucksImAQueen · 05/09/2019 11:11

hes not his

DandySeaLioness · 05/09/2019 11:12

oh fuck no Shock Please respect yourself and run for the hills before you've made any babies with this man.

Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:16

I’m not the one with him by the way.
But you would walk away right? Is it the whole love is blind thing? The person in question hasn’t had a relationship before either and is early 30s and naive.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 05/09/2019 11:18

Are your parents overjoyed at the thought of this guy moving in and having his child to stay, after 8 months of you seeing him? Seriously, it's far too soon to move in with him. He's still probably coming to terms with his separation. Maybe he's enjoying his own space and cringes at the thought of living with your parents.

7orangeflags · 05/09/2019 11:20

There's a reason she left him.

Bookworm4 · 05/09/2019 11:20

She pays for everything? What a mug, he’s a user, get rid.

HulksPurplePanties · 05/09/2019 11:20

That's very desperate behavior on her part. She needs to wise up and move on and not be such a door mat the next time

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 11:20

Don't walk away, run for the hills!

CTRL · 05/09/2019 11:24

How could the new girlfriend expect him to move in with her when she lives with her parents ??? Am I the only one that thinks that’s weird.

And expects his child to have a bedroom again at her parents house ??

Why on earth would you keep footing all the bills and basically playing the role of wife when his not even divorced??

Why on earth would he put you on the tenancy ?? His hit a sweet deal

Sorry but whoever this friend is has been royally f*cked and taken for an utter mug

CTRL · 05/09/2019 11:24

Said friend sounds desperate too

Ringdonna · 05/09/2019 11:25

He is still shagging ex

zippey · 05/09/2019 11:29

Friend is the fanny lodger - she should be contributing some monetary amount to parents. Hope she helps round the house etc.

For the man - he should try and keep his new lover separate, and that includes finances and living arrangements. Eight months is nothing. He still has feelings (understandably) for his ex.

Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:29

My friends parents actually suggested the move in as well. The guy is very charming as first, he’s very good at being the life and soul and acting in a way that makes you warm to him instantly. As I said she’s very naive I think, been waiting for the one and then he has come along pretending (in my opinion) to be everything she’s looking for. He will say yes let’s get our own place, look at houses online but that’s as far as he will go. He will stall constantly but all the while telling her he loves her. But it’s actions not words that mean things in these situations isn’t it? Not sure how to get her to see it though. Her family don’t seem to see it as an issue either because he’s charming and makes all these promises. They do spend all their time together but I think he definitely reluctant to move forward. They’ve been together just under two years now though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:33

Him and the ExW are divorced now, ExW pushed the divorce through as quick as she could and they’ve been divorced a year or so.
Friend asked him to move in after 8 months but they’ve not been together longer. She asked to get married after 18 months and he said he didn’t want to. It’s been nearly two years they’ve been together now.
He’s definitely not sleeping with the ExW still. She’s with someone else (left man for this guy) and lives two hours away.

OP posts:
zippey · 05/09/2019 11:34

If it’s your friend, just let her live as she wants. If this is her first relationship then she will need to go through all the pitfalls associated with early relationships. She should maybe look at playing the field a little instead of asking the first relationship and his child to move in with her and her parents. It sounds like it will be a crazy dynamic. The child will feel awkward sharing a new home with strangers.

Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:35

Sorry they HAVE been together longer now.
Timeline
Met - still married
4 months in - divorced
8 months in - asked to move in, said no
18 months in - asked to marry said no

OP posts:
CTRL · 05/09/2019 11:36

Right....your ‘friend’ Hmm

Either way your friend is being taken for a mug.

Let’s be real; do you really think his going to just propose to her and move in and start married life all over again after just splitting from his ex wife of over a decade !?!

It happens but I have a strong feeling his probably not looking to repete all that over again. Especially when he already has someone playing housewife without the official title and all he has to do is tell her a few sweet words she wants to hear.

Cant believe your friend is paying for everything though - for him and his child !?!
While his clearly not serious about her !?!

No way in hell. I bloody would never. I just can’t get over that

Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:38

@zippey

It does sound like a crazy dynamic, the whole thing sounds crazy to me really. You are right though I don’t think there is much I can do but let her get on with it... and obviously be there to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. She’s really bonded with his son now as well though so I worry about that too.

OP posts:
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 05/09/2019 11:41

Yes, I'd run away. He's not over his ex and he doesn't love his current gf.

Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:47

@CTRL

Honestly, friend. Because there’s no way I’d put up with that either! She thinks he is serious about her but I think she’s wearing rose coloured coke bottle bottom glasses.
She told me she bought nearly all the sons Christmas presents last year too. I couldn’t believe it.
Our friendship group has always told her to play field, kiss a few frogs but she was determined to find the one. I’ve kissed many, many, many a frog and I like to think I’ve learnt from those experiences and found a decent enough DH now (he’s not perfect but who is!)
Maybe because all our friends are now settling down she’s become desperate and ignoring the red flags?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyUnicorn · 05/09/2019 11:52

I’m glad you all agree with me... I kind of came on here with the intention of showing her the thread... but after @zippey’s comment I feel that might be massively awful and too much. Also damage our relationship as she’s already quite defensive about it.
I should probably just keep my nose out shouldn’t I? But it’s hard when you see someone being taken advantage of.

OP posts:
whattodowith · 05/09/2019 11:56

I don’t blame him for not wanting to move in with her parents if that’s seriously what she’s proposing. I’d rather die than love with my IL’s Grin, sounds like utter hell! I can completely understand him not wanting his DD to have to live with them during his access time as well...

Having said that, I don’t think he is over his ex wife and I think the girlfriend is a rebound.