She must be jealous of you

[jennymanara]

I see this comment a lot in relation to lots of posts about very different circumstances. Usually when someone does not like the OP, or has said criticised the OPs behaviour of the behaviour of their children. AIBU to think that jealousy is not as common a motive as some people seem to think?

It's fairly common in one form or another but is also overused when people can't think of a reason. We are all allowed just to dislike people though; there are a couple of people I can't stand. There's no real reason and certainly no jealousy, I just can't stand something about them, but that's the sort of situation where people would assume "jealousy"" to fill a void.

Yes that is true. Sometimes we just don't like someone.

I'd say, being completely honest with myself, that a lot of the time I don't like someone IS because I have an aspect of jealousy towards them, but it's complicated and mixed up with other genuine dislikes. Say I work with a massive brownnoser - obviously I don't like that quality, but also deep down I'm jealous that they get more attention from bosses etc. I might dislike a friend for humblebragging, but also be jealous of the things they're bragging about.

Thanks for being honest Pukk. I am not jealous of people I dislike.
If I am jealous, it is usually of people who have a very easy life - lots of family help financially, no real problems, etc. And one of the people I know who has had a very easy life is a very close friend. I love her, but I know my jealousy at times is because my life hasn't been easy. And I know I have had an easier life than some people.
But for me, jealousy us not a reason to dislike someone. I recognise it as my issue, not theirs.

Oh I agree straight up jealousy is no reason to dislike someone. It's not their fault they have something you want. I just think that a lot of the qualities we consider negative in people are tied up in jealousy and our competitive social order. That's definitely different from 'that woman at work has such nice clothes, I hate her and will be a cow to her' which is obviously ridiculous.

I think jealousy is a huge motivator for disliking someone, as you said you recognise it’s your issue and not theirs... but barely anyone I think actually does recognise it’s their issue. I think people also tend to dislike someone because they make them feel jealous and they don’t want to acknowledge it’s their issue and just want someone else to blame for things going wrong in their life.

It is a teenagers go to response when they don't agree with an opinion on someone.

Definitely over used, I doubt most people spend their days thinking about specific people and how they want their lives or to be then and then hate them cos they're not. That's a bit weird. I would like to have loads of money so sometimes I day dream about winning the lottery, I don't day dream about being Florence down the road with the big house and flashy car

I suspect there are a group of the population who does spend a lot of time being jealous of others, and thinks that is what everyone is like. I have known people like this and they are pretty bitter people.

I have known people like this and they are pretty bitter people.

You couldn't not be bitter if you spend your days watching other people and what they have

I've noticed it can be a cycle. People are unpleasant to those they are unreasonably jealous of, but nominate other things about that person (whether consciously or unconsciously) as the 'official' reasons for their dislike. They then behave (whether overtly or subtly) in an unpleasant way towards the object of their dislike. Often this will involve things like attempting to undermine them, or criticising/ gossiping about them to others. Often, the object of jealousy/dislike eventually picks up on this (again, either consciously or unconsciously) and grows to dislike them back in turn.

It happens all the time.

I was never very convinced when my mother said it to me as a kid when I knew a class mate didn't like me, it seemed simplistic and dismissive. But now I so much older I can see it a bit clearer now.

I see young women and girls, and women far old enough to know better, spitting bile about each other behind their backs, and I can see, yeah, they are definitely jealous, often about looks or perceived achievement. But that jealousy is actually rooted in self loathing. They could have got the better grades, have the nice figure but they didn't put the effort in, or go to the gym or whatever, and they're kicking themselves for it. Its easier to be spiteful about someone else than pull your shit together and have that thing too.

I think especially with women being jealous is often the reason they dislike another woman. It’s often ad simply as She’s more beautiful, better figure, a better mother, has a bigger house, better husband.

Don’t we all know that one woman that’s always slagging someone off 🙄 but what it actually pulls down to is Katie has an amazing husband and Susan doesn’t like it as she married an arsehole, Katie’s dc are lovely and well behaved Susan’s have grown up entitled brats and Katie is 15 years younger and beautiful Susan’s looks left long ago.

A lot of people are just bitter and jealous because they haven’t got the life they wanted.....

I don't think all dislike has to be down to jealousy. Sometimes you can just dislike people because you just don't like them.

I certainly don't think jealousy or envy are the most common motivation for disliking someone - there are a million situations when it's not that at all.

But it's certainly a factor sometimes and I think it's very easy to see when it is, because it tends to manifest itself in quite specific behaviours. For instance, in situations when someone who is unhappy to be single or is in a difficult relationship suddenly starts being nasty to a friend who has a lovely new boyfriend, it's not hard to guess that envy is probably the motivation there. And I can definitely think of situations I've experienced with colleagues where pretty obvious jealousy/envy has been the cause for people behaving really badly (only ever once towards me, thankfully, but a few times towards other people).

dollydaydream sometimes yes. But sometimes women start seeing someone new who has red flags galore, but any concerns are dismissed as jealousy.

I think it’s definitely true that other people make us feel a certain way about ourselves, and if you're not very self aware that can easily be projected back on them.

Eg - Sandra’s life is perfect, and everytime i see her i feel crap about my life, therefore Sandra makes me feel like crap, she must be an awful person. We hate Sandra.

Fun (related) fact - we feel good towards people we have done a favour for, as every time we see them we remember ourselves doing a good thing and it makes us feel good about ourselves. If you want people to like you, esp at work, ask them to do you a small, easy but real favour. This genuinely seems to work.

But sometimes women start seeing someone new who has red flags galore, but any concerns are dismissed as jealousy.

And it's pretty much always only women who are accused of jealousy (in the not in a relationship way) so sexist people always want to jump straight to that when it's a woman not liking another woman

Gosh yes, everything that goes wrong in SIL's life gets blamed on jealousy. When in reality it's probably because people don't really like her. She's very beautiful but tends to look down her nose at a lot of people & it comes across!

Jealousy kills. That's a fact it is sad that people are jealous of another persons life ect. People have told me straight that they are jealous of me and the reason for that is that my children are perfect (like as if) I have lots of family (I don't talk to) I have a nice car and house and I get lots of nasty looks when I am out with my DGS. It's not nice. We are all people and we can all have the same if that's what people like. I know I am lucky although life is hard for people in different ways there is no time for jealousy or woman digging at another woman it's sad I am not rich I am good with money I've had no help from my children's dad and happy about that now I do not like jealousy I have lost friend's and family because I am just me. I give what I can to who I can if needed and not liked in return I feel sad.

Overused when people don’t have anything to say. I get this from a friend. I am convinced another mum hates me (no idea why) and all my friend says is she must be jealous. I don’t believe it but I know my friend is just trying to make me feel better.

@jennymanara . But sometimes women start seeing someone new who has red flags galore, but any concerns are dismissed as jealousy.

Those aren’t the situations I’m talking about, though. I’m not talking about people raising concerns. I’m talking about things like snide remarks or spreading gossip.

As I said, I don’t think jealousy is the cause in the majority of cases. But I think it certainly is sometimes and it’s usually quite easy to tell.

I think the opposite op. Envy is much more common than I thought, and it's being on here that's made me realise that.

If you weren't jealous you won't care.
If you care enough to be upset your jealous.

I personally think theres a lot of jealousy and being on here it comes across on so many posts.