Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Younger Relative Doesn't Want Contact?

58 replies

FunderAnna · 05/09/2019 09:25

I don't quite know how to read this one.

Because of various upheavals in the wider family I spent a lot of time looking after one of my relatives when she was a child. She also lived with us on and off in her late teens and early twenties.

She is married now and lives in another part of the country. I try and keep in touch with her, but not by ringing her landline. She works long hours and she's out or else tired.

But I don't have a smartphone - just an old fashioned PAYG one.

Most recently after someone who was close to her died, I sent her condolences via email plus a couple of scanned photographs where she was with this person.

She didn't reply at the time or later. Next time I saw her I asked whether she got the message and she said, 'Oh it must have got lost among the junkmail. Just text me another time.

So I said that I mainly just text for urgent stuff, but that with some other people I use FB Messenger.

To which she said, 'Oh I use FB even less. I suppose I ought to better at sorting through my junk.'

In my situation would you feel that she just didn't want much contact with me any more. (It hardly seems worth getting a smartphone just to be in touch with someone who basically wants to let things drop.)

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/09/2019 09:27

Why not just text her?

Hahaha88 · 05/09/2019 09:29

You don't need a smart phone to text

RB68 · 05/09/2019 09:30

just keep it light contact. She is at the age where she doesn't see the value in keeping in touch - it will change

WhatsMyPassword · 05/09/2019 09:32

A novel approach, have you tried phone and speaking to her?

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 09:32

So she's not important enough to text?

Perhaps she's trying to shake off her chaotic upbringing?

Jizzle · 05/09/2019 09:33

Younger people are increasingly not using or checking email at all now days, I know my daughter certainly isn't. FB is exactly the same, they see their parents on it and run a mile!

It wouldn't be difficult to send a text, that way you know she has certainly seen it.

HysteryMystery · 05/09/2019 09:36

Well, it depends on how much you want to keep in contact doesn't it. My then 85 year old, childless uncle got a computer and booked himself on a course of how to use it so he could keep in contact with his nieces and nephews and get photos of our kids.

Is it really worth losing contact just so you can have the status of "I don't have a smart phone"?

How much does she actually mean to you?

73Sunglasslover · 05/09/2019 09:37

This situation made me think of my sister who has moved to Australia and thinks she keeps in touch because she posts a lot on Facebook - which I don't usually access as people fill it with mundane nonsense. I can't understand why emails have fallen out of favour and been replaced by such superficial group posts. I think possibly your family member is just quite into modern-day social media and is not very good at recognising that not everyone is using that method. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation to get an expensive phone just to contact her and she should be more thoughtful about the cost to you of texting. I couldn't understand why you can't call her on the landline though? If you call at a reasonable time of day what's the issue? You nay have to call a few times to actually get hold of her but it sounds like you'd think that was worth it.

VenusClapTrap · 05/09/2019 09:40

Send her postcards.

KUGA · 05/09/2019 09:44

Contact her by doing something that's antiquated.
A letter its personal and you will know she has received it Its also a keepsake.

Jeremybearimybaby · 05/09/2019 09:47

It sounds as if she's knackered, and navigating life. I know I can't always be bothered to check emails at the weekend after a busy week at work, and you said she works long hours.
She's told you she doesn't really check emails or FB, so I'd stick to texting. Or texting to arrange a time to give her a call. If she still dodges you, then maybe it's time to back off. I know that's not what you want to hear, but the family issues may be affecting her more than you think. She may be trying to work through them, and doesn't want to be reminded of them. Especially if she had to be removed from her house, to go and live with a relative. I know leaving home was a time for me to reflect on, and recover from, some (fairly minor in comparison to some) childhood challenges.

Original poster

FunderAnna · 05/09/2019 09:56

I'm low waged so that chatting by text would mount up in cost - compared to the way it's pretty costfree by contact. My partner tries ring her landline but she rarely picks up and doesn't tend to ring back.

I suppose I saw the FB messenger as a low cost casual way to keep in touch if texting didn't really work. (I only do it when out meeting people, on trans etc.) . I have written from time to time - but she certainly doesn't reply. What I'd ideally like would be the occasional casual chatty friendly resonse - the sort of thing that people do on WhatsApp or via texting.

She does visit briefly - perhaps two or three times a year for an hour or so.

I suppose I miss her, because I thought of her almost as a daughter.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2019 09:59

WhatsApp?

Juells · 05/09/2019 10:00

If she's important to you, get a smartphone. I spend so much time online on my laptop that I held out for years, just used an old Nokia for texts. Finally gave in and bought a cheap Samsung, and have a PAYG Tesco deal.

What you're perhaps missing is that with a smartphone you can send your photos attached to a text in Whatsapp. So she's asking you to send her the photos by text.

jennymanara · 05/09/2019 10:03

I think OP a lot of people don't appreciate what being on a low wage actually means.

Mir9imid · 05/09/2019 10:04

Switch to a different payg sim, you can get unlimited texts on giffgaff for 8quid. Then you could have the chatty text messages you want.

HulksPurplePanties · 05/09/2019 10:04

You need to get a smart phone and get WhatsApp. If my DH's 88 year old grandmother has one and uses it, you can to. You can get a basic smart phone for quite cheap.

Juells · 05/09/2019 10:06

I think OP a lot of people don't appreciate what being on a low wage actually means.

You can buy a second-hand smartphone fairly cheaply, and just PAYG. The OP obviously loves the relative and wants to stay in touch. The only way to do that now is to contact the way the relative is used to.

OneStepSideways · 05/09/2019 10:07

Have you tried Skyping or Face Timing her from your lap top? She is probably just very busy and tired and doesn't always see your emails or have the energy to respond. I work full time and have a preschooler, I try to keep in contact with my parents and aunts but it's them who initiate contact and sometimes my mum has to text several times before I reply. I love them all very much, it's just that I'm exhausted and drained and sleep deprived so it's easy to miss things or forget to message back. They come and visit us a few times a year and we visit them annually. I wish they would learn to Skype as it's such a nice way to have a quick chat and see each other. We Skype DH's family every week.

Original poster

FunderAnna · 05/09/2019 10:26

No laptop. Just a desktop and an old-fashioned mobile - though again I may acquire a laptop or tablet at some point.. We used to Skype - before Facetime and WhatsApp came in. I just feel that everything I suggest is somehow wrong - too old-fashioned, something that will get buried under junk...

I may just have to give up, and only communicate in family emergncies and talk to her on occasional visits - allowing the gap to widen.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 05/09/2019 10:31

That seems strange to give up when you can do something as simple as get a smart phone (you can still use PAYG). There will be loads of your friends with a smartphone thrown in a draw as they have upgraded. I am on a PAYG, costs me £10 a month for everything included with 2GB. If you have used Skype and FaceTime, then Im sure that you have the ability to use a smart phone. Then you can WhatsApp, dead easy!

IsobelRae23 · 05/09/2019 10:33

I’m 38, I rarely use Facebook messenger (last time I checked I had 68 messages), I WhatsApp, I FaceTime some people, I use iMessages the most, Instagram messages and occasional email- but I only really check them when I’m expecting something.

Ds19&14 are now using a different platform to talk to and have group chats- I can’t remember the name.

The point being is that times change, and so do methods of communication, especially for the younger generation.

Original poster

FunderAnna · 05/09/2019 10:39

I'm on a minimum wage - though my partner has a good income. I aim to keep my personal expenses down.

We have a landline and I have a desktop computer. My old-fashioned mobile is sufficient for most purposes and my husband has an iPad and iPhone which I sometimes use - especially if we're out and about together.

OP posts:

jennymanara · 05/09/2019 10:42

I don't have a smartphone. All this - smartphones are pretty cheap stuff just shows utter cluelessness.

PooWillyBumBum · 05/09/2019 10:43

Could you Whatsapp/text her from your partners iPhone? If she has an iPhone iMessage is free anyway.

Flip

1 2 3