Younger Relative Doesn't Want Contact?

[FunderAnna]

I don't quite know how to read this one.

Because of various upheavals in the wider family I spent a lot of time looking after one of my relatives when she was a child. She also lived with us on and off in her late teens and early twenties.

She is married now and lives in another part of the country. I try and keep in touch with her, but not by ringing her landline. She works long hours and she's out or else tired.

But I don't have a smartphone - just an old fashioned PAYG one.

Most recently after someone who was close to her died, I sent her condolences via email plus a couple of scanned photographs where she was with this person.

She didn't reply at the time or later. Next time I saw her I asked whether she got the message and she said, 'Oh it must have got lost among the junkmail. Just text me another time.

So I said that I mainly just text for urgent stuff, but that with some other people I use FB Messenger.

To which she said, 'Oh I use FB even less. I suppose I ought to better at sorting through my junk.'

In my situation would you feel that she just didn't want much contact with me any more. (It hardly seems worth getting a smartphone just to be in touch with someone who basically wants to let things drop.)

She probably does use newer channels of communication and email, land-line and FB may genuinely not be her world. Texting seems to be the common channel so why not try it. If it looks like she will keep in touch that way then look for a cheap text bundle to add to your payg card.
She may not have a land-line phone plugged in. Lots of people have the line for broadband but never use the phone capability because they have lots of call time with their mobile.

@callmeadoctor £10 a month is not cheap.

I find it utterly weird that people would rather use texting than email for written communications of more than a few words. I absolutely hate not using a proper keyboard, so when I have to use applications designed for phones, I find a workaround to ensure I still can, most of the time.

Virtually every Whatsapp message I've ever sent was typed on a Windows 10 computer. Even when I send text messages to tradesmen, almost the only category of people I text, I use a Windows application linked to my phone so I can type the message.

I suppose it's people whose only computer is a smartphone who don't see the point of email.

If I were ever reduced to using a smartphone as my main means of internetting, I would buy a bluetooth keyboard to use with it.

Get a cheap smartphone and a sim only deal (or pay as you go). I never use a desktop pc or laptops since getting my phone. I can't imagine not having one now. I use it as a sat nav (can avoid traffic queues by using google maps), music player, to access email, facebook, wattsapp, messenger, camera, calendar with alarm to remind me of events, internet banking via app, paying for my kids school dinners and trips etc via app, organising parents evening and checking school behaviour by school apps. Use as a notepad and also I can use word and excel etc. Also use it as a Amazon kindle to read books and also never buy newspapers or magazines as I can access articles through google news. It also saves me money as I can compare prices when out and about in shops. I also have alerts set up on hotukdeals if there is something specific I am looking for. To do any of the above you don't need anything expensive. You can access wifi in a lot of places so you can use wattsap etc when out and about.

Honestly, OP, you have an answer for everything. If you and your partner both work I just don't believe you can't afford a second-hand smartphone.

You say you love her like a daughter, but you're not prepared to invest £7 or £10 a month in getting in touch with her. Are you afraid of the smartphone? I'm used to a keyboard, so it took me a while to get used to texting on a smartphone, but in the end it wasn't that difficult. My block, re the smartphone texting, was that I kept trying to find the letters and peck them out, with one finger rather than using my thumbs and thinking of it in the same way as when I'm typing. Or rather, not thinking about it.

Ohhhh jennymanara, is £10 a month not cheap then? I am clearly using the wrong provider, who do you recommend?

PettyContractor, I do actually use email a lot even though I do it via smartphone. I have the Yahoo app on my home phone screen. I get alerts when emails come in. I never thought I would get used to using a keyboard on a phone but I took to it quite quickly.

Alternatively OP, just use your partners phone? Im guessing that she uses whatsapp for chats?

As I see it, OP, she doesn't want regular contact with you, so all the smartphones in the world won't change that.

It's hurtful, but it seems as though there were problems when she was younger and she may want to distance herself from all that now, including you, even if you didn't cause them, and even though you were actively there for her.

If she wanted to be in touch with you more, she would. That may change in the future and it may not.

I'd say keep communicating with her in whatever way you can (except landline), even if you don't get a reply. I'm sure she's absolutely receiving the emails you're sending. You can't force communication from her though unfortunately.

Your partner has expensive Apple devices but you have to make do with a cheap old mobile. That's doesn't seem fair.

I don't use email because it's out of date, fills up with junk and is time consuming (no place for casual chats over email). And I don't use Facebook because it's full of weird videos and Brexit rants from someone's uncle and endless advertisements.

If you have a PAYG you can still text. Why not do so? It doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be in contact to me, it sounds like she genuinely doesn't use email and Facebook. Texting is easy, flexible and non-invasive. Give it a try.

Like you I am mystified that email is seen as old-fashioned! However, I am a fan of WhatsApp for casual conversations and keep in touch with family members like this.

I do think your family member sounded rude and dismissive when she talks about "sorting through her junk" to find your message, as it does rather imply that anything you send her is "junk". She probably didn't mean it like that but it was thoughtless of her to put it in that way.

Why not just raise the actual issue and ask her what to do. "Hi, we don't talk or text as much as we used to and I miss you. I know your life is busy, but is there a way of keeping in touch every few weeks that would work for you?"

It is a mystery why you are being so defeatist here, OP. You want to keep in contact with the relative but because she prefers a different method to you, you have decided that means you can't speak to her? That's an odd way of looking at the situation.

I’m more concerned about the inequality of the devices you have compared to your husband. There are too many posts where disposable income after household stuff is horribly unequal. With the woman usually being in the lesser position. I could be in this position but adjustments are made by my DH so it doesn’t happen.

"Hi, we don't talk or text as much as we used to and I miss you. I know your life is busy, but is there a way of keeping in touch every few weeks that would work for you?"

Oooh, that's good. Straight to the point without making her feel under siege.

5foot5 I'd refer to my junk folder as 'my junk' as well, without any insult intended.

What I'd ideally like would be the occasional casual chatty friendly resonse - the sort of thing that people do on WhatsApp or via texting.

I want the response people get using WhatsApp or text, but I won't use WhatsApp or text.

Cheap second hand smart phone and Giff gaff is the answer here.

I want the response people get using WhatsApp or text, but I won't use WhatsApp or text.

Yup, that's it in a nutshell

I don't think it's that hard to reply to emails or FB messages even if you normally WhatsApp . They're there on your phone. Obviously I can buy a new phone - but am just wondering if it'll get me the desired relationship.

I would still send the occassional e-mail, but at the same time send her a text asking how she is and letting her know you've e-mailed. That you can appreciate she's busy, so there's no rush but it would be lovely to hear back from her when she gets a minute.

I would not read her comments as she wants less contact at all, not sure why you would jump to that conclusion? she is young and has told you what works for her and told you to text- just text her

If you want any form of communication with her, you need to find a communication medium that works for both of you. I suggest borrowing your husband's iPhone to text or call (her mobile).

Will that give you the mother/daughter relationship you crave? Possibly not. But you could at least have a relationship.

I don't think it's that hard to reply to emails or FB messages even if you normally WhatsApp . They're there on your phone.

One of my daughters doesn't even have a landline, the other daughter does but its battery has usually run out as she leaves it lying around. I got tired of getting texts from both of them with photos attached that I couldn't see on the old text-only phone I was grimly hanging on to.

For goodness sake, it doesn't matter whether you think she should find it easy to reply to emails and fb messages. She's told you she doesn't, why are you insisting she should? By the time you agree to use WhatsApp technology will have moved on, and you'll be left behind again. Just bite the bullet if you want a relationship, otherwise it comes across as quite controlling.

Do you send lengthy emails? I find catching up with friends by sending lengthy email messages quite hard to write. To have to sit down and think about what you want to write is quite contrived. Having to come up with something interesting to say rather than just chatting about what rubbish tv programme I watched last night. I normally chat to people via messenger or wattsapp and it's quite spontaneous and chatty about everyday things. Short messages about something I'm doing that day etc. In that way there is a quick to and froing of messages rather a lengthy monologue and then waiting for then to write a lengthy monologue in reply a week later, when they have managed to think of something interesting to say.