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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make an excuse to avoid friends baby shower

39 replies

LiptonPeach · 05/09/2019 08:17

Friend is having a gender reveal/baby shower. Originally on one date which I genuinely couldn't make but has now changed to another so she is messaging me asking me if I can now make it.

I had a pretty horrible miscarriage last week, I had to stay in hospital and the experience was just awful.

I really don't want to be in a room full of people celebrating a baby right now.

I feel guilty because this is my friend and she obviously wants me there but AIBU to make my excuses? I know I could tell her the truth but I'm quite a private person and honestly I don't really trust her 100% not to tell anyone else.

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 05/09/2019 08:18

I think a tactical tummy bug would be the best option.

ImpossibleNovelty · 05/09/2019 08:20

Yes, a nasty bug that you would hate to pass on to her seems very sensible. Very sorry for your loss Flowers

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 05/09/2019 08:23

Tell her the truth as if you can’t make the second one she will know something is up anyway.
Sorry for your loss.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/09/2019 08:26

If it really matters to you that others know about your miscarriage then just say no, that you can't make that date either. No need to say why if you really don't want to.

Bitchfeatures · 05/09/2019 08:27

You don't have to tell her the truth if you don't want to, I'm like you, I'd rather keep things like that to myself. But yanbu to not want to go.
Like others have said, say you have a stomach bug or tonsillitis, something contagious. I'm sorry for your loss

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/09/2019 08:28

If there’s a risk she will change the date yet again then accept and call a bug the day of!

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 08:31

I would think through if you are going to be in a better place by the time she gives birth.

Because if you aren't, you're going to struggle and she will think that it's the usual losing of a friend because you've had a baby, situation. Rather than you needing a bit of space.

Original poster
LiptonPeach · 05/09/2019 08:35

Ponoka, I would hope I am.

The shower is this weekend so it's only been a week. It's still very raw. I'm still of work and still feeling the physical symptoms of the miscarriage so it's hard to just put it to the back of your mind when I'm still very much in the middle of it. Add that to the emotional aspect and I can honestly picture myself crying in the middle of the celebrations which will be shit and embarrassing!

OP posts:
Original poster
LiptonPeach · 05/09/2019 08:35

Off*

OP posts:
LauraPalmersBodybag · 05/09/2019 08:37

Of course you don’t have to go, or explain. Call in sick. Hope you get some time to rest and recover.

misspiggy19 · 05/09/2019 08:39

**I would think through if you are going to be in a better place by the time she gives birth.

Because if you aren't, you're going to struggle and she will think that it's the usual losing of a friend because you've had a baby, situation. Rather than you needing a bit of space.**

^I agree

Lowlandlucky · 05/09/2019 08:43

Just say no. TBH i would say no to any Gender reveal/baby shower, they are tacky and grabby

Hahaha88 · 05/09/2019 08:46

@LiptonPeach huge hugs, I'm sorry for your loss. Personally I'd say I'd go then cancel and say you're unwell. X

BlueLadybird · 05/09/2019 08:46

Really sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t go. You need to put yourself first. If it’s this weekend it is perfectly normal to already have plans. Just say you’re not free but hope she has a lovely time.

Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2019 08:50

I would just say that you are off work sick at the moment so unfortunately won't be able to go.

MindatWork · 05/09/2019 08:54

I’m so sorry for your loss OP - I 100% wouldn’t go, it’s all very raw and recent and as you say you’re still feeling the side effects and your hormones will be all over the place.

I’ve avoided countless baby showers over the years due to long term infertility - sometimes you just have to look after yourself.

Do you think you might feel well enough to go out and do something with just her at some point before the baby comes? I usually did that with my friends; the mass cooing over babygrows at a baby shower was too much for me but I found it easier to take the friend out for afternoon tea or do something just the two of us). You obv not obliged to, though!

Do you really feel you can’t tell her the real reason? Do you think she’d understand?

Hugs and Flowers for you!

Frazzlerock · 05/09/2019 08:59

I am so very sorry for your loss (I've been there and done that three times, its shit). If I was your friend, I would expect you not to go. She should 100% completely understand that being around pregnancy/baby talk is not good for you.

I can't be around pregnant women still after 3.5 years of trying and MCing and you're only a week out of it. Definitely don't go and don't feel bad about it either. Just send her a message, something like "I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you appreciate my situation right now and I will need to duck out of this one while I recover physically and mentally, I hope you have a wonderful day" She will be totally cool with this!

Original poster
LiptonPeach · 05/09/2019 09:02

Frazzle, she doesn't know what's happened and I really don't want to have to tell her Sad

I can't explain why properly but I really don't want to have to discuss this with someone. I like to keep things like this to myself and as I said in my OP I don't think I 100% trust this person not to tell other people. Not in a malicious way but more of a 'oh I feel so sorry for Lipton' etc...

OP posts:
MindatWork · 05/09/2019 09:20

I think it’s absolutely fine if you don’t want to tell your friend OP - it’s your business and v personal.

I don’t see how anyone can be offended if a friend couldn’t make their baby shower/gender reveal and anyone with an ounce of sense or compassion wouldn’t push the issue, even if they didn’t 100% believe the excuse.

moita · 05/09/2019 09:22

YANBU. Look after yourself OP

ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2019 09:25

I wouldn’t go on principal of the fact that gender reveals and baby showers are utterly tacky and the least fun event one could attend

Sorry for your loss OP, hope you’re looking after yourself Flowers

NoSauce · 05/09/2019 09:26

I would just say that you’re really sorry but you can’t make it but have a great day time thing.

Look after yourself Flowers

Frazzlerock · 05/09/2019 09:29

Oh I misunderstood @LiptonPeach I thought you didn't want to tell her why you didn't want to go, not that you didn't want to tell her about your loss.

I'm not sure then. All my close friends knew about our losses and I am very open about babyloss, but I am an open person and I totally appreciate you're not. I'm sorry I have no advice then on what to tell your friend, but I hope you have enough support to get you through this awful time Flowers

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 05/09/2019 09:38

Of course you don’t have to go!! Please don’t put yourself through that right now, you need to think about you.

I had a traumatic miscarriage back in June and I’m still not ready to attend baby showers/gender reveals etc. It’s just too painful. You are absolutely within your rights to give this a miss. It’s just a tacky baby shower anyway, and having now lost a baby I feel it’s really tempting fate to celebrate a baby that hasn’t even arrived yet.

EttyG · 05/09/2019 09:38

If she's only asking now, for the weekend (bit short notice anyway?) then just say sorry, you're off work sick and don't expect to be well enough to go to a party at the weekend. But have a think about what to say if she asks you what's wrong - flu, stomach bug etc.

If you say you can't do this weekend though, is she likely to try and change the date for another weekend you are free?

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