To make an excuse to avoid friends baby shower

[LiptonPeach]

Friend is having a gender reveal/baby shower. Originally on one date which I genuinely couldn't make but has now changed to another so she is messaging me asking me if I can now make it.

I had a pretty horrible miscarriage last week, I had to stay in hospital and the experience was just awful.

I really don't want to be in a room full of people celebrating a baby right now.

I feel guilty because this is my friend and she obviously wants me there but AIBU to make my excuses? I know I could tell her the truth but I'm quite a private person and honestly I don't really trust her 100% not to tell anyone else.

There is no reason on earth why you should have to go to this party. So please feel not the slightest bit of guilt. Make your excuses and stay home. Look after yourself.

Sorry for your loss

I agree with PPs - tell her you're unwell at the moment and wouldn't want it to affect anyone else at the event.

It's not a lie and will hopefully stop her from 'encouraging' you to go.

I'm so sorry for your loss! I've been there! Had a missed miscarriage in Dec and had surgical management on Christmas Eve! Stupidly went to my friend's baby shower less than two weeks later and cried to myself in the toilets! Don't go! Think of yourself! (Baby showers are so over rated too). All the best x

You don't need to make an excuse, just say you can't go.

No need to explain if you don't want to and if she makes a big deal out of it, she's not much of a friend.

When I was undergoing fertility treatment I used migraines (something people know I suffer with) as an excuse to avoid to baby showers. I'm like you OP, only 2 friends knew about the treatment, I like to keep things private.

Accept the invitation then say you're sick. You don't have to go and you definitely don't have to tell her why if you don't want to.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss . I had two missed miscarriages a couple of years ago and there’s absolutely no way I could have faced a baby shower at that point.

If she’s a good friend then perhaps tell her the truth. I understand wanting to keep it to yourself because I did too, I didn’t even tell work the truth. If you’re close though, it may be the best thing so she doesn’t think you’re purposely being difficult.

If you don’t trust her not to tell people, she’s not a great friend anyway. I would just make an excuse.
However, in general, I wish that people felt that they could talk about infertility and miscarriage more openly. I suffered from both, and felt weird about discussing it with anyone, but when I eventually did it was such an amazing experience. The people I was chatting with all had experiences of their own and it was very healing to talk about my feelings. (This isn’t aimed at you OP, of course you have every right not to tell anyone, I just personally wish I felt that I could have opened up earlier)

You could always decline an invitation to a 'gender reveal' party on the grounds of good taste! Has she sent out 'save the date' cards for the delivery? Really, all this fuss about having a baby, such a new invention!

So sorry for your loss x

Definitely don't go to the baby shower. Say you're busy, you shouldn't have to explain what you're doing. If you think she'll change the date for you, then just say yes for now and pull a sickie on the day.

It's not nice lying, but you have to look after number one!

I was in a similar situation last year. I'd just had a second miscarriage and shortly after, out came three baby announcements from family/friends. I said no to so many invitations for months afterwards (baby and non baby related) and am so glad I did.

Those who are close to you may figure it out if it's out of character for you to decline, but unless you tell them they're very unlikely to bring it up.

Besides, baby showers/gender reveal parties are so tacky. I've just made up an event to clash with one next week and I don't even have a real reason to not go!

I didn't go to one this year for the exact same reason.
It's my dhs best mates wife. So as. Lovely as she is I couldn't tell her.
I just said unfortunately i can't make it however is she free on x date for a cuppa and cake x

You don’t have to tell her abs you don’t have to go. I’d send a lovely present/bunch of flowers and say you’re ill.

Sorry for your loss

People don't get as worked up over one person not being there as one thinks. Just write a note saying you're sorry to miss it but you were feeling sick and send the present.

Can you send a lovely present or flowers along? I agree that you need to either say now that you're unwell or say yes you'd love to come then pull out on the day.