To allow my son to walk 300 yards home from school alone

[Throwaway2468]

He’s 10 years old and will be in high school next year. Although he has recently been diagnosed as autistic I feel he is more than capable of walking this distance and he enjoys being given the opportunity to do this.

His father (we split up years ago) is very strongly against this, believing he is too vulnerable and has apparently now made an urgent application to the court - about what specifically I don’t know.

Am I being negligent by letting my son do this? I felt it was good practice for him going to high school next year where I’m sure he will prefer to take even more responsibility for himself, just like his friends

Sounds like a typical control ploy. Your ex doesn't really care about your ds' welfare, or worry that he cant manage the walk, he just wants to punish you for escaping. Let the pathetic piece of weasel shit take you to court.

Your ex is being ridiculous. My son has an ASD diagnosis and has already occasionally walked to school on his own in year 4, in London! At this age it is important to learn a bit of independence and this is a pretty safe way to do so.

I think he’d like to think of himself as autistic as he loves diagnosing himself with things, there’s a very strong possibility that he is a regular old twat too though

It’s great to hear stories of other children with disabilities becoming more independent and growing in confidence. If my son wanted me to meet him then I would happily do that, I just want to make his life easier in anyway I can and I think having some level of independence is fantastic for him

The road is busy with shitty parking to be fair however there’s the lollipop lady and also many other families and children crossing

‘Weasel shit’ 😂

My dd with ASD chose to walk the 250m home by herself in Y5. In Y6 you didn't have to even tell school they would walk home alone as it was encouraged.

Of course children vary but my DS has an ASC and used to walk a similar distance to school by himself at that age. When he was little I used to walk DS to school; when he was a bit older I walked him (and usually a friend) partway and crossed a busy road with him/them; by 10 he walked the whole way himself (or with his friend). And once he could do this he was fine to walk home. Walking with a friend is ideal really.

You know you own child best. And developing independence is especially important for kids with any kind of additional needs.

It's very unusual for children in yr 6 to be walked to school at our school, even a couple that I know have AN ( one being my son)

My 9 and 7 year olds do an almost identical walk every morning. It's fine. I would like to think they'll laugh him out of court for being a meddlesome arsehole.

If this does go to court push back HARD!

His controlling ways are restricting your DSs natural emotional growth and opportunities for independence, increasing his sense of self worth etc.

Don't let him persude you otherwise! And use his desire to control against him... let a judge see it for what it is!

Thanks all, good to know that on the whole, with this issue, I’m not being unreasonable

As a Mother to two autistic children, having Autism myself, YANBU!

My son is 12, my daughter is almost 10 and both would have no problems walking this distance. Does your ds enjoy school? Could he be displaying extreme anxiety about going to school when he is with your ex? My ds would not be able to leave the house if he had to go to school, but we home educate him. Could there be a bullying problem?

Unless your ds is frequently being picked on by bullies, then your ds should be able to walk that distance. Unfortunately, kids can be cruel and I often wonder if we autists have targets on our backs, that only neurotypical assholes can see. My ds has actually managed to develop coping skills when out with our dogs, but our dogs are very good at telling when someone is up to no good and have chased off bullies more than once (not literally but by a low growl and bark). Our ds takes our dogs everywhere with him but even so, we live in a very quiet coastal village in Scotland (so apart from local bullies there is little danger here), ds usually has a phone with him just in case.

Is the area your ds walks through safe? Or are there gangs where drug deals and knives are the norm? I would be concerned if it were the latter, particularly as bullying vulnerable children into running drugs is a problem in some areas (I am pretty sure that was in a recent NAS publication). I assume however, that you would pick your ds up yourself if he were in any danger!

Could your ex be trying to make you look like you don’t care about the well-being of your ds- could he be angling to get full custody?

In your situation, I would sit your ds down and ask him if anything has happened on the walk home (at any point, not just this week or today) - from or to school- eg bullying. I would also ask your ds if the walk to and from school is causing him anxiety. It has taken several years to teach my ds that he needs to tell me if something happens when I am not with him, as he would assume that as he knows what happened, that I automatically know it too.

The last thing you want is to end up in court hearing your ds tell a judge that the walk to and from school fills him with anxiety due to his experiencing frequent bullying and manipulation from bullies/ gangs.

My dc has an autism diagnosis and was fine to do this at 10. I doubt the family court are going to get excited about it.

It has taken several years to teach my ds that he needs to tell me if something happens when I am not with him, as he would assume that as he knows what happened, that I automatically know it too.

This. Exactly this.
My ds got on the wrong bus the other day and STILL assumed I knew where he was and what had happened. claireelizabethbeauchamp gives very good advice.

My ds also says what he thinks the adult wants to hear. So if asked whether it makes him anxious, he might well say yes.

Of course he can do it, and your ex is being a pratt, but in order to cover yourself:

I would think of it like a school has to.

Do a risk assessment - possible problems, and how you have planned for it, eg road to cross, he has been trained how to cross the road and you have watched him do it many times to check he can do it.
Or - busy road, there is a lollipop lady etc.

Then alos write out a sort of plan for his increasing independance as a run up to secondary school.
Now, walking to and from primary school, later learning to wakl to local shop. Later, going to and from Libray/friend's house etc.

Show that this is part of a plan ot increase his ability to cope when he goes to secondary next year.

Then it is veyr hard for him to argue against, as it is well thought out, reasoned and sensible.

Where we live the last year of primary they are encouraged to walk to and from school to practice for Secondary.

This is part of preparing for adulthood. And every child, even those with autism should be enabled to reach their full potential. If you can show you have carried out a full risk assessment, and that school support him in this, I can't see what the problem is.

The school will be aware of the SEND Code of Practice 2015 which emphasises

the need to support the child or young person, and the child’s parents, in order to facilitate the development of the child or young person and to help them achieve the best possible educational and other outcomes, preparing them effectively for adulthood

Elsewhere the document talks about having high expectations for all children and young people with SEN and disabilities.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/398815/SEND_Code_of_Practice_January_2015.pdf

Your ex is just being a knob. Maybe you should threaten to take him to court for preventing your child from making progress in achieving independent living skills and reaching his potential.

As an aside there is no way my ASD son could have gone to school on his own when he was a child and we took him everywhere. When he was 16 I couldn't imagine him even catching a bus on his own. Now he is 24, he regularly walks and travels on buses and trains alone to various places. This has happened because of the right education and support being put in place - and having high expectations.

My dd started walking home at 8.5 as they walk home from year three in my dc school. Some dc are 7. It was about 15 mins with two roads to cross not major ones.
In her teens she was diagnosed with asd.
I knew it was appropriate for my dd at the time so if you feel the same re your ds then it’s fine.

No problem at all.

I didn’t let my son walk home until year 6. (He’s autistic too). I’m still worried about it though, he’s very vulnerable and easily led. He knows the first sign of trouble and I’m walking him to school! We had practice runs down local shops etc.
My mum walked me to secondary school until I was 14+. I hated it!

Of course he can do this. He should be able to go further alone than a few hundred yards.

Let him kick up a fuss. It's him it's going to reflect badly on.

You've risk assessed the walk. Your son is the right age and you feel he is capable. Doing this walk home is completely suitable and good parenting as it is allowing him an appropriate level of independence. Over protecting a child isn't good parenting.

Hi dad is being daft - if he won't believe you he is being daft than let the court tell him.

I believe you giving your DS this little bit of independence will do wonders for his self esteem. YADNBU.

I don’t know on this one. I have an autistic child, no way would he be okay at 10 to come home himself. I could see another adult might think he’s fine, however he has so many weak spots, like not completely understanding the world so even a silly game that other kids might play on the way home, he might take too literally and put himself in a vulnerable position.

I’m not saying yours isn’t okay. I do think though, to co parent with another, then I would compromise with Ex on this one. So it’s onky 300 yards, so what’s the problem with walking him? His Dad is obviously concerned, and even if he’s being over protective, he cares enough to have him 50% and so his feelings should be taken seriously.

I’m definitely way more cautious than my kids father, and he defers to my protectiveness as really, what’s the harm? And often I’ve been proven right, but sometimes I just need a bit longer than him to be sure of my sons abilities to be independent, and that is okay and although the doesn’t agree, he just does it as the level of concern and fear in me would impact on my parenting. Also, our child is becoming much more capable, independent and confident because ironically my approach to giving him a lot of structured help means he is starting to surpass others because he’s got such a solid grounding.

Can’t you just agree with your Ex for this?

Also just to add, I do think there’s a myth that independence comes from doing things by yourself. No. Independence comes from learning how to do things by yourself. That learning is the important factor. Your child won’t learn about roads or other kids any quicker on his own. He will learn by observing good role models, and by practice. Lots of it. Which he can do with you on the walk. You can let him make all of the decisions about when to cross, let him talk to his friends. All of that.