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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow my son to walk 300 yards home from school alone

82 replies

Throwaway2468 · 05/09/2019 07:56

He’s 10 years old and will be in high school next year. Although he has recently been diagnosed as autistic I feel he is more than capable of walking this distance and he enjoys being given the opportunity to do this.

His father (we split up years ago) is very strongly against this, believing he is too vulnerable and has apparently now made an urgent application to the court - about what specifically I don’t know.

Am I being negligent by letting my son do this? I felt it was good practice for him going to high school next year where I’m sure he will prefer to take even more responsibility for himself, just like his friends

OP posts:

Singlewhiteguineapig · 05/09/2019 08:24

Then you can give this to the court to show that you have considered everything.

IsobelRae23 · 05/09/2019 08:25

It will be good experience to build up for High School, trying to get him as independent as possible, before he goes somewhere new. His dad is just being a d**k or really over protective- only you know which one.

FamilyOfAliens · 05/09/2019 08:26

What do school say? They know him as well assuming he’s been there a while. If they’re happy for him to walk home alone that will give you more evidence - they may even be able to put something in writing although in my LA were not allowed to do anything that could look like we’re taking sides.

00100001 · 05/09/2019 08:27

Let him take you to court.

By the time it will have come round, D's will have been doing the walk for down time and you can show he's fine.

Does your DH never ever let him be alone?

ColaFreezePop · 05/09/2019 08:28

Your child is in his last year of primary and you are preparing him to travel to secondary school on his own. It isn't in your son's best interests to have his parents drop him off at secondary school as he will have the piss ripped out of him.
There is a lollipop lady for the crossing so he won't be crossing the busy road on his own.
There will be other pupils and parents who recognise him going the same way. Unless they are all complete CF they will help him if he got in any difficulties which is extremely unlikely.

Does your ex infantilize your son because of his autism?

InflagranteDelicto · 05/09/2019 08:32

I totally agree, your xh is being an unreasonable twat. All my 3 (including the dc with asd) walked a similar journey home solo from y3. I do think there risk assessment is a good idea, because it's such a cracking two fingers to him.

Original poster

Throwaway2468 · 05/09/2019 08:32

He would never leave him alone no, he seems to believe his autism is so severe that he can’t be left alone for any period of time. He proclaims himself ‘an expert in (sons name)’

OP posts:

Newmumma83 · 05/09/2019 08:33

Don’t see your ex’s problem .. i would go to the shops to buy sweets from about 8 or 9 years ... the shop was about half a mile away ... a quiet part of the area so limited traffic worries but it was all part of being grown up.

300yrds is a tiny distance with added security of a lollipop lady.

Ex is just finding fault where ever he can. X

WatcherintheRye · 05/09/2019 08:35

If it is something that ends up in court, then I think you should say (as per pp) that in your opinion your ex infantilises your ds and that you are trying to facilitate a degree of independence, within your ds' capabilities, prior to him going to high school.

LatteLove · 05/09/2019 08:36

YANBU, my son is 10 (nearly 11) and autistic and been cycling to school alone for the past year. School know this and have no problem at all with it. Your ex is being a controlling prick just because he can. I’m sure SOME autistic 10 year olds couldn’t make the journey if they were unpredictable in traffic etc but if your son isn’t (neither is mine) then there’s no reason why he can’t do this

Bunglefromrainbow · 05/09/2019 08:38

OP I appreciate that times change, more cars on the road etc. But I walked to school over a mile away when I was 9-10, I took my younger brother with me when he was 8.
I'm autistic (I appreciate it's a wide and varied spectrum condition) and can relate to just generally doing what I was told and being well behaved as a child. I felt safe and more than capable.

Myriade · 05/09/2019 08:39

YANBU
But the issue here is that he sees himself as THE expert on oyur ds and that ony HE knows what is good or ot for him.
Clearly he also sees your ds as much more incapaciated than you do. :(

If he is so intend to go to Courts about it, I assume he also really think your ds is severely disabled by his autism. Would he listen to an 'expert' (if not your ds teacher) who could make it clear what are and are not within your ds abilities?

Fwiw i have a good friend whose child is in the spectrum and now goes to a special school. He was stil be able to walk on his own on such a distance at that age, on a road he had taken that many times.

Myriade · 05/09/2019 08:40

Or as another pointed out, he is a controling prick and is using your ds to have a go at you.

ColaFreezePop · 05/09/2019 08:43

He would never leave him alone no, he seems to believe his autism is so severe that he can’t be left alone for any period of time. He proclaims himself ‘an expert in (sons name)’

Has any of your child's hospital specialists said your son's development is so delayed he should not do anything NT children do of the same age?

Is your son in mainstream primary school?

Is your son going to a mainstream secondary school?

Just:

Print out 3 maps of the walk with the exact distance if possible,and,
List all the reasons why it is reasonable for your son to do the walk including the (lack of) medical advice and the schools he is at/going to.

Add in why age appropriate independence is in your son's best interests and be prepare to state all this to the judge.

Your ex will then look like an idiot in front of the judge.

Meltedicicle · 05/09/2019 08:43

YANBU. If you are confident he can cope then it’s a good skill for him and will really help with self esteem. Can you perhaps have a chat with the school Senco and see what he/she says? Then you can say to his dad or court or whoever that others agree with you. My oldest (11) has downs and there’s no way I can let her do this yet just because she is very unpredictable and liable to wander off but it sounds like your son is completely different.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 05/09/2019 08:44

I think you know your child best and you feel they can do it. My dc aged 12 with additional needs could not and wouldn’t want to and I wouldn’t trust them anyway.

I think it’s important your child is as independent as possible by the time they reach secondary school.

Namechange8471 · 05/09/2019 08:45

My dd is also ten and autistic. She walks to and from school now she is in year 6, around a 5 minute walk, 2 roads to cross (one by the lollipop man). This was actually suggested by the school to build her independence in preparation for secondary, and it's boosted her confidence so much.

Your ex is being a twat, ignore him.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 05/09/2019 08:47

However I would agree with your comment about not trusting the courts as I have been in that situation myself and was questioned at length about the most minor things.

Original poster

Throwaway2468 · 05/09/2019 08:47

Thank you all for the advice, I will speak to his teacher and if possible someone who assessed him for autism and see what they think.
He does use the children to control me, he is also very controlling of them

OP posts:

MaximusHeadroom · 05/09/2019 08:48

Absolutely no problem. I would agree that a short written risk assessment might be a useful tool if Ex makes a big deal. If you really want to cover yourself, get the school on board too as they would encourage him learning to be independent.

But don't let him make you doubt your parenting. You know your son and what he is capable of. If a child is capable then they should absolutely be doing it or we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn these life skills in a safe environment which will make them less safe when doing it alone is the only option.

The courts would have far better things to do than deal with this.

Berthatydfil · 05/09/2019 08:50

Yes to a risk assessment.
Also could you speak to senco in school about “strategies to build life skills and independence” this could cover safe travel to school, negociating public transport (tickets, routes , timetables) identifying risky behaviour in self and others and what to do, basic meal prep, shopping, money. Hopefully they will be supportive and offer you additional strategies to support ds.
Get it documented or an email trail - this will be helpful in court.
Infantilising your ds does him no favours and equipping him with basic life skills and independence (within the limits of his sn) is good parenting.

BiddyPop · 05/09/2019 08:50

Dd started doing this aged 10 - we worked up from her walking while I drove (I had to drive home from train station) and eyeballing each other at 2 points (no roads to cross but getting off school property to main road and then off main road into our estate).

Built up to meeting at home once I saw her as I arrived at after school club, to agreeing a time she could leave that would match me getting home. 6 minutes walk for young legs.

We were so glad, in our case, that we’d allowed that building up that independence because there were bullying issues that meant she had to leave the after school club and instead go to a different one twice a week (collected by car, too far to walk) and walk home straight from after school activities 3 times a week getting home 90 minutes before us. And for her final year in primary, she walked home between 90 and 150 minutes before us every day after her extracurricular activities.

She is also ADHD and on autistic spectrum (DX is ASD but it was just as book changed so she would have been aspie if dx’d a few months earlier).

Is the road safe?
HAve you talked to DS about it and does HE want to?
Does he know what to do and what not to do?
Does he need to cross any roads?
Does he have a phone, just in case of problems?
Can he see house from school - could you stand at the gate and watch initially so giving him some independence, or meet at school and walk separately building up to going alone?

If DS lives with you and you have responsibility for the school run etc, then it’s none of his business.

Allowing him is building his independence and confidence which are important and will also help his self esteem.

Purplespup16 · 05/09/2019 08:50

It is incredibly important that children with disabilities can have a degree of independence. His targets at school will involve independence targets, which include managing tasks without supervision! For instance he maybe asked to take items to the office/another classroom on his own.

Talk to his school, they will (should be!!) be supportive of you! I would also let them know of your Ex’s stance as if he truly feels you are being unreasonable he will probably approach school for their opinion.

BiddyPop · 05/09/2019 08:52

Sorry, most of my points were already covered - I’m basically talking about a risk assessment type stuff

campion · 05/09/2019 08:53

Are you sure your exh doesn't also have autistic traits? That's a serious, not flippant, point.
Rigid thinking, refusing to back down, literal interpretation of a situation , lack of doubt to the point he'd think a court would side with him made me wonder. Or he may just be a regular twat.

As your DS has already shown he can do it,then obviously he's capable and should be encouraged. The more independent he can be the better, common sense always prevailing.

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