AIBU to consider moving over 250miles away with DC?

[rockvshardplace]

I'm unhappy in my relationship. We both are. We have talked (multiple times) about separating. We have a young child (between 1 and 2 yo). We moved to a new area for work a few years ago but have struggled to make good friends (due to work and then baby). I have a few mum friends but I often feel lonely and bored, and miss having a social life (including with DP). I don't know what to do. If we separate, life here would be pretty shit as I'd have no support so I might as well stay (...or should I?!). My other option would be to move back to where my friends and family (mine and DPs) are... but it's over 250miles away! This is what I want to do but I can't bear the thought of my DC and their Dad being so far apart. It's a really long drive (5-7hours) so it's a bloody long way to expect DP to drive after work on a Friday and back on Sunday.

All the options are shit and I don't know what to do.

On a positive, I absolutely love my DC, s/he makes me so happy and I wouldn't change that part of my life for the world.

Would your DP consider moving closer to his home town too? Or is that not feasible?

What MsVestibule said. I don’t think it’s fair to your child to move so far from the dad as they will struggle to have a decent relationship but perhaps your dp would move?

@Msvestible Yes, but work options are very limited there (hence us moving in the first place). But, you're right, we need to discuss that too. My head is so confused at the moment so thanks for pointing that out as another option!

@bythebeach I don't think it's fair on my child either. But I also don't want them to think that this kind of relationship is normal either :-s

OP, do you work?

@MsVestibule I'm self-employed and work from home, part-time. I'm currently thinking about looking for additional employment to help me meet people and have a life outside of home life. But I also feel like if we're on the verge of splitting up, I don't want to add more to the list of people I would be letting down if I moved away :-(

It's a really long drive (5-7hours) so it's a bloody long way to expect DP to drive after work on a Friday and back on Sunday.

I think if you're the one who moves away, the expectation is that you will do the travel to facilitate contact. Or at least half of it.

Irrespective of how awkward that is for you guys as parents, it feels like quite a lot to put your child through too. So much time travelling that could be spent doing other things.

I hope you can find something workable though, you sound so unhappy :(

thanks for pointing that out as another option!

Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees, isn't it! This is a really difficult situation. The reason I asked if you worked is because you said the only friends you'd made were mum friends and were often lonely and bored. Is there any chance that if you improved your life outside of your child and DP, your relationship could improve, or is it beyond saving?

Do you think if you moved back to where you have family support and social connections that your relationship would improve? Apologies if you past that point. It would be very difficult for DP and DC to have a close relationship living so far apart, although not impossible. I agree that seeing DP would be willing to move back or at least the nearest large town in order to continue a close relationship would be ideal.

@StepCatsmother I agree about the moral onus being on me to make the journey but it's too far for my young child. So it would have to be DP doing the travelling.

@MsVestibule " Is there any chance that if you improved your life outside of your child and DP, your relationship could improve, or is it beyond saving?" I don't know is the honest answer. I think I have to try, but I'm scared it will just make me feel more trapped.

@Seren85 "Do you think if you moved back to where you have family support and social connections that your relationship would improve? "
Yes, definitely. But that would take time and a heck of a lot of stress (finding new work, selling house, moving etc)... and I think that would finish us off in itself!

"This is what I want to do but I can't bear the thought of my DC and their Dad being so far apart. It's a really long drive (5-7hours) so it's a bloody long way to expect DP to drive after work on a Friday and back on Sunday.'
Why do you expect your DP to do the travelling? Why can't he have the child living with him and you drive the 250 miles to see the child and the back again on Sunday? Don't like that idea? Then don't move so far away. It is totally unfair of you.

That’s the distance/time from where I live to where DM lives. It’s exhausting-need-must to do it only for a weekend. My dc adore DN, but it is very much a holidays-only journey once they start school.

@rockvshardplace I don’t think it’s just about moral onus OP, I think that if childcare arrangements post-split go through court, it is usually ordered that the parent who moved away at least meets half way (happy to be corrected on this, but I’m sure I’ve read this a number of times on MN). If you and your DP split, you can’t expect him to travel to you every weekend and only see your child in your home location.

@Idontwanttotalk Fair comment (but I think you could been a bit less mean sounding). Why can't DC live with him? a) he works 5 days, out of house 12hrs a day, b) no way. Also, we have discussed me moving away and he said he'd drive every other weekend. He didn't question where DC would live or who would drive.

The reality of a situation is far different to just chatting about it though OP. Unless your DP is able and willing to also move either with you, or nearby, I think it would be really unfair on him and your child.

@CarrieBlu Absolutely. I'd be happy to share driving BUT the journey is too long for my child to do so regularly.

Yes the journey is too long. The length of the journey won't change. You'll be committing your child to a 10-14 hour round trip to see their dad for the next 17 years just because it's what you wanted. You're a mum now, you've got to put your child's best interest first and that's not being taken 250 miles from their parent.

But if you split, and childcare arrangements are determined in court, you might not get to decide that. You may be forced to drive your child back to their original home location to see their dad. Or at least meet him half way.

@CarrieBlu Just seen your second post too... Yes. I posted on here because I wanted to get some perspective, like a PP said it's hard to see the wood for the trees! I haven't really got anyone in real life to chat to about it without feeling like I'm betraying DPs trust or making people worried about me. But it's looking like I would be being a selfish if I moved away/back... but I don't think having miserable parents will do DC any good either. I'll speak to DP about us all moving...

And if you believe the journey is too long for your child to do regularly, surely that gives you your answer? You shouldn’t do it. You shouldn’t put your DC or your DP through that. Your DC’s needs should come first.

Cross post OP. I think talking to your DP about moving the whole family is our best choice. Even if you can’t move now, having a future plan might brighten things for you. It’s what my DP and I did. Knowing that within 5 years we would move made things easier for me (and we did move and things were better, it just took a while).

*your

@CarrieBlu and @Itallt0omuch
"Your DC’s needs should come first." And "you're a mum now".
Absolutely. I don't want my daughter to think this relationship is normal and for her to be in a cold relationship like this one. I just need to decide which is worst/best and/or most/less impactful on her wellbeing.