AIBU to consider moving over 250miles away with DC?

[rockvshardplace]

I'm unhappy in my relationship. We both are. We have talked (multiple times) about separating. We have a young child (between 1 and 2 yo). We moved to a new area for work a few years ago but have struggled to make good friends (due to work and then baby). I have a few mum friends but I often feel lonely and bored, and miss having a social life (including with DP). I don't know what to do. If we separate, life here would be pretty shit as I'd have no support so I might as well stay (...or should I?!). My other option would be to move back to where my friends and family (mine and DPs) are... but it's over 250miles away! This is what I want to do but I can't bear the thought of my DC and their Dad being so far apart. It's a really long drive (5-7hours) so it's a bloody long way to expect DP to drive after work on a Friday and back on Sunday.

All the options are shit and I don't know what to do.

On a positive, I absolutely love my DC, s/he makes me so happy and I wouldn't change that part of my life for the world.

@CarrieBlu thanks for sharing your personal experience and your reassuring words. I need to go to sleep now but I'm glad that's the last post i'll read tonight. Night night x

I agree you seem to have skipped straight to separation without trying to work on the relationship first and fixing what's wrong. Assuming there's no infidelity, can you work on the issues, and if moving back home or at least closer to family will helomthen surely that has to be on the table.
You say you miss a social life especially with your DP so work on that and arrange babysitters so you can go out. Between the mums you do know can you set up a babysitter circle whereby you sit for each other reciprocally?

I think people are being too harsh here and are forgetting a few other points.

• Your DP also has friends and family at old location
• Old location will mean you have more support
• Old location may be better for your mental well-being (having support network)
• Old location might be more affordable (as you said less jobs)
• Old location might mean a better lifestyle and school for your child in the future
• Old location has emergency contacts for you, who will be there when you need them to

If your DP is willing to travel, he will also have the benefit of visiting with his own family and friends too. Your DC will have more contact with the extended family and DP might move up there later on anyways.

I think it is fair to consider it and I think it is fair to move if the benefits outweigh the cons for your child (better housing, living with a happier mum, extended family, and overall more support).

@PenguinPop Thank you. Yes, all of your points are correct. DP misses 'old location' too but his career is quite specialised so his work/career/income would take a big hit. But your points have reassured me that it's definitely worth discussing it. Even if we move back together but ultimately it doesn't work out, at least we'll all be in the same place with a support network around us. I know the GPs would LOVE it!!!

@Normandy144 "I agree you seem to have skipped straight to separation without trying to work on the relationship first and fixing what's wrong." That's a big assumption but I'll let it slide because the rest of your post is valid! Yes, we've talked about getting babysitters but not acted on it. Partly because of limited (but not impossible) options and partly, well, I don't know... a 'date night' just wouldn't feel right at the moment. But I'll try and find something else more fun for us to do!

I don’t think it’s fair to move a child away from a parent unless there is simply no other option.

You are also assuming that the kids would move with you and he would do the driving if you do. You could just as easily be told to let him be the primary parent or be the parent who does all transport because you are the one who chose to move away.

@Purpleartichoke I did/do assume DC would live with me and that DP would do the driving. But so did DP when we discussed it. I'm pretty sure the travel issue won't go to court but surely a court wouldn't force a child to do that journey just to make me drive not DP? As I'm writing that, I can see the replies... "it would be YOU not the courts forcing the child to make the journey" and I've taken that on board since writing my original post.

Thanks for your comments everyone, they've been helpful to get things straight in my head. I'm definitely going to sleep now though! Good night x

If the only thing going for your current location is your DP's job, what would/will happen if he ever gets another job?

I'm pretty sure the travel issue won't go to court but surely a court wouldn't force a child to do that journey just to make me drive not DP?

Absolutely they could. Why on earth do you think otherwise?

@adaline

I'm pretty sure the travel issue won't go to court but surely a court wouldn't force a child to do that journey just to make me drive not DP?

Absolutely they could. Why on earth do you think otherwise?

Sorry @adaline but you're wrong on this one. A court will consider what is in the child's best interests so would be very unlikely to make a child do the journey instead of the DP, especially if he has family in the Old Location which would make it easy for him to spend time with the child there, and not drive the DC back to his home.

@TheRedFox the courts still expect the parent who moved to do at least half the travel.

But even if the DP did agree - it's not exactly practical, is it? Where is he going to stay in contact weekends? He can't drive there and back twice so he's going to either have to impose on relatives or fork out more money (on top of fuel) for a hotel or similar.

Plus a seven hour drive on a Friday night straight from work? And then again on a Sunday after a busy weekend with your child? It's not exactly an arrangement that will last long-term, is it?

I think the main advantage you've got is that you are both originally from the same area so presumably he has got family/friends where you are both from as well so going back there is not such an inconvenience.

I understand that wherever you are from might have poor job prospects but surely there are options for jobs nearer than 250 miles away from that place? assuming you're in the UK, unless you were in the Scottish Highlands there must be a city within, say 100 miles or less?

I think you moving closer to your roots to have more family help makes sense (especially if his parents are also close by and could have contact as well) if you do split up but would be made much easier if your dp was working / living in a much closer town/city. That way I think as your dc gets older you can help more with facilitating contact (eg by meeting half way).

I don't know whether such a move closer to where you're from could help save the relationship. eg if there is a city 100 miles away where Dp could get work, could you move somewhere that's half way between that city and your home town so you can still get back home in an hour and DP can still get to work in an hour?

@adaline There is an expectation that the parents will work together in order to meet the children's needs but there is no hard and fast rule re: travel, apart from deciding what is in the child's best interests.

I'm not saying that moving 250 miles away is in this child's best interests, I was just correcting the statement about what the court expects / will decide re: travel which is obviously decided on a case by case basis.

@MoonageDaydreamz Yes that sounds like a sensible idea. To be honest, I'm not sure that our relationship would take moving house to a new place, and starting our social lives from scratch again. But I think both of us would feel more grounded being closer to our roots and families. So it's probably a better option than where we are now? I don't know. I suppose if we did move say 100miles away and things didn't work out, at least we would both be living nearer to each other and our families.

To people who have asked, yes both of our parent's (and other close family) live in 'old location'.