To think DP should have made the same effort for DD?

[RayFish]

DP took time off work yesterday to take his DS from a previous relationship back to school on his first day back as he wanted to be there to see him off.
Our DD goes to a different school and went back today and DP hasn't taken the time off to go with her as he "can't have time off on both days".

AIBU to be upset at the principle of this? I feel like he doesn't put as much effort or value into DD and doesn't make the same effort for her. She's quite young now so doesn't really notice but I just feel hurt imaging him doing this when she's older and more aware.

I've told DP how I feel and he has just said it's not his fault that he can't have the time off on both days and not his fault she went back a day later. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just think it's quite hurtful.

I guess he has less time with his DS in which to mark special moments, whereas he will see your DD all the time. As his DS gets older he won't want his dad around when going back to school. Then he can focus on your DD. Just leave it be i think.

Hmm, not sure. Did you take dd? How old is she? Did his DS not have anyone going with him, how old is he?

Yes I suppose not seeing DS as much does factor into his decision to go which is fair enough. His DS is 8 and our DD is 5. I took her this morning.

What happened last year? Are they both going to the same school as pre-summer holidays? Was dss mum unable to drop off?

I can see why he did it if DS doesn’t live with him FT
It’s nice, I have the opposite problem. Ex will do it all for the child he lives with and never for our children he doesn’t see as much

I suppose that this is the inevitable result of having a step-family.

He's right that he can' take time off two days running.

^^ can't FFS.

Last year DP didn't go to either as couldn't get the time off work so I took our DD and DS's mum took him. DS's mum went yesterday as well. DP just wanted to be there to see him off as well. This is why my feelings are hurt as he didn't seem to bothered about wanting to see off our DD as well.

If your dd lives with him and his ds doesn’t I think it’s fair enough he does a bit more for ds to even things up.

Sorry forgot to add DD goes to a different school entirely.

Maybe I am getting upset over nothing. I can see why he went with DS and I think it's good he makes an effort to see DS as much as possible and I've always encouraged this. But I think it just hurts when you see your DD not being treated the same.

But thinking about it I wouldn't rather he took DD and leave out DS as then he would feel how I'm feeling now and I wouldn't want that.

He will see her before and after school though, I take it? I think leave it for now but next year perhaps he could go in a bit mate but days instead of taking leave

I see your point and agree with you but the thing is on here most people seem to think the step children are hard done by and I bet if you husband had taken the day off work to take dd to school and not dss then everyone would have said it's out of order

I do agree with you OP that he really sound be doing the same for each as it’s going to become a bigger issue as they get older and DD will notice.

Has he said that he didn’t think DD would notice as she is younger? I’m not quite sure how he has justified it to himself? I suppose the fact he doesn’t see DS full time might be why he felt he had to do ‘extra’ for him but really I don’t understand why he couldn’t have gone in later both days which would’ve worked out about the same (maybe less) as taking a days leave?

I think it might be worth asking him what his plans are for next time and go from there.

I wouldn't make an issue out of it tbh.

I think it's pretty shabby that he missed dd's first day at school and chose to miss the first day of her second year as well so he could see his son go into school instead?

That's pretty unfair, surely he should try to get the day off every year and alternate between both children when he can get the time off? Could you suggest this to him for the future?

I think regardless he should have been there for both or for none. Completely unfair

I don't think I'm going to make a further issue out of it. I've told DP how I feel and I'll just leave it at that. I don't want to make him feel bad for wanting to take his DS, that's not what this is about. I just wished he would do the same for DD. Perhaps he could take DD next year or even both of them if he plans his leave well.

Is he an engaged dad with your DD, or does he count it as spending time with her when they are physically in the same place at the same time, iykwim? That would influence how I felt about it really, but I can see where you are coming from OP.

I think regardless he should have been there for both or for none. Completely unfair

No it's not. His son doesn't have him every day, which the OP's daughter does.

I cannot see the issue at all. Ds doesn't live with you by the sounds of it? He wanted to see his first day of school and couldn't take 2 mornings off so chose to do that.

My children never had an issue with dp doing things for his kids because they don't live with us. In fact, they've had more of an issue with exh doing things for his new partner's kids instead of them.

It's a bit of a sore spot for me really as I tend to find he doesn't spend a lot of quality time with DD. In the evenings during the week he gets in from work and goes to do his hobby straight away apart from Wednesday evening when DS comes for tea. DS comes every other weekend and during this time we will all do something together as a family. The weekends that DS isn't with us DP uses as his downtime. So I do feel like DD doesn't get the same amount of his time or attention.

We have two DCs and one is at the same school as last year while one is going to a new school and it's a very hard transition. I had to work yesterday which was the older one's first day so DH took him. Sometimes you can't do everything.

I think regardless he should have been there for both or for none. Completely unfair

But he’s not is he. He won’t be there for ds for so many occasions.. what does the dad
do for example Christmas, Easter his birthday? I’m sure it won’t be fair then

I think it’s unfair tbh. I get that he spends less time with ds. But IMO there are certain things where it’s only fair and to make the same effort with all of your children. I don’t think he should be taking days off work to wave his son off for his first day of his school and not his daughter. His sons had the support of both of his parents on his first day back but your daughter hasn’t

DD is as much a child of the family as DS (he is father to both children), the only step-child is DS to OP.

I have two DSD's with DH, and i feel your pain OP. I have been in this situation many times. Now and again I have to remind him that (our) DD is as much his as mine. As i am around all the time to do things with her, or take her to school, pick up etc, she kind of leaves his radar as something he needs to consider.

I get why he wanted to take his DS to school, but equally i completely understand why you feel hurt he didn't take his DD to school as well
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