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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should have made the same effort for DD?

52 replies

RayFish · 04/09/2019 09:07

DP took time off work yesterday to take his DS from a previous relationship back to school on his first day back as he wanted to be there to see him off.
Our DD goes to a different school and went back today and DP hasn't taken the time off to go with her as he "can't have time off on both days".

AIBU to be upset at the principle of this? I feel like he doesn't put as much effort or value into DD and doesn't make the same effort for her. She's quite young now so doesn't really notice but I just feel hurt imaging him doing this when she's older and more aware.

I've told DP how I feel and he has just said it's not his fault that he can't have the time off on both days and not his fault she went back a day later. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just think it's quite hurtful.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 10:12

TReating children fairly & equally, doesn’t mean always doing the same thing for each of them, but likewise it’s unfair to make a big fuss fuss of one and take the other fir granted.

It’s a fine balance when they’re from the same parents and living with you, let alone when they’re not.

Both children had their mums taking them, neither of them were moving schools...I’m not sure why he prioritised DS, over DD. Or why he couldn’t go in late both days or not take either?

I’d keep an eye on things as I think it’s easy for the one at home to feel ‘less special’, but they do have much more time with the resident parent & that can be hard in the other child. JUst try to love & reassure them both & make sure he’s there at some key events for both.

I do think it’s bit odd for a working parent, to take time off work, to take a child to start another year at the same school, seems a bit OTT TO Me (when the other parent is taking them anyway)

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 10:19

It's over compensating at not living with his son but I do get why you're upset too because it can feel like the step child is the preferred one because of the over compensating. It can feel like they don't need to put any effort at all into the child that lives with them. It's understandable why a non resident parent would feel like this but they should also be aware on the effect it can have to the child they do live with aswell

MaPaSpa · 04/09/2019 10:20

Its understandable why your upset, but as DS is non resident your DP should definitely make the extra effort. DS will already be feeling left out as your DD gets to see him and spend quality time with him daily. Dp making the extra effort will help to stop DS feeling jealous or hurt by the situation in future in him missing out on time with his father.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 10:23

Dp making the extra effort will help to stop DS feeling jealous or hurt by the situation in future in him missing out on time with his father.

It might but then it might have the opposite effect on the child that he does live with especially if it's how the OP describes......Oh dad only spends time with me when DB is here, dad never saw me off to school but always made the effort with DB, dad is always around when Db is here but goes off doing his hobby when he's not... you have to be careful

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2019 10:23

Your dp is not treating both his children the same because it absolutely isn’t possible. To do that he’d be either living with both of their mothers full time or neither. He is putting his ds first because your dd is first every day he doesn’t spend time with his ds. What he’s done is absolutely fair and I’m glad you can see that now.

hsegfiugseskufh · 04/09/2019 10:24

I agree with you OP, and your child will notice this and start to resent him.

Its no neccesarily about the time spent together, but if he sees all his sons "firsts" and special moments but doesn't bother with your childs because youre there, it will become glaringly obvious to your child where DPs loyalties lie.

StroppyWoman · 04/09/2019 10:26

I agree wth the PP, your daughter has her Dad there in her life every day, your SS doesn't. It's only fair your DH make extra effort with the child he doesn't live with

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 10:26

@Mummyoflittledragon that would be a valid point if he was putting his DD first every other day but the OP has said that he doesn't, that's the problem

hsegfiugseskufh · 04/09/2019 10:28

your daughter has her Dad there in her life every day

but she doesn't get any quality time with him?

Tonnerre · 04/09/2019 10:30

He's right that he can' take time off two days running.

How exactly can anyone on here claim to know OP's husband's employment arrangements?

CTRLALTDELETED · 04/09/2019 10:31

I think regardless he should have been there for both or for none. Completely unfair

No it's not. His son doesn't have him every day, which the OP's daughter does.

It’s not the DD’s fault though is it? Her missing out on the same attention from her father doesn’t make it ‘fairer’ for the DSS.

DriftingLeaves · 04/09/2019 10:42

He's being very selfish to your poor DD. He needs to give her equal priority and he just isn't. Mean.

Courtney555 · 04/09/2019 10:42

Basically it's the same old mantra that your child isn't allowed to feel sad, or disadvantaged, or like they're missing out (which she clearly is) because she should be grateful that both her parents live under the same roof.

It doesn't matter that she gets no quality time, she should just be grateful that both her parents live under the same roof.

This is of course utter crap. But it's peddled by so many to try and excuse why "first" children are entitled to special treatment, when "second" children should expect nothing of the kind because they get to see dad for 5 minutes in the morning as he runs out the door to work.

Both moments were special to his DS and his DD. He was there for one and didn't have time for the other. Not cool. And not cool to justify by saying, well DD gets to do things like go to Tesco with him every week, so that's fine.

AE18 · 04/09/2019 10:43

People really can't see past "well he doesn't live with SS so it's fair enough" to actually listen to you saying he doesn't value spending quality time with your daughter and this is a consistent problem. I don't think it's on to be honest, especially as his explanation didn't hint at purposefully overcompensating, it just sounds like he thinks it's fine to care about his son more.

Tbh it would have been worthwhile him getting a day off for your daughter last year given it was her first year of school, but a bit OTT to take a day off work on subsequent years and a totally unnecessary demonstration of his preference for his son.

I couldn't live with this attitude if it's an ongoing thing, OP, I'm with you.

nokidshere · 04/09/2019 10:55

He should have just taken an hour each day rather than having a day off. He had the dates last year so it's not like there wasn't plenty of time to organise it.

Selmababies · 04/09/2019 11:00

It's a bit of a sore spot for me really as I tend to find he doesn't spend a lot of quality time with DD. In the evenings during the week he gets in from work and goes to do his hobby straight away apart from Wednesday evening when DS comes for tea. DS comes every other weekend and during this time we will all do something together as a family. The weekends that DS isn't with us DP uses as his downtime. So I do feel like DD doesn't get the same amount of his time or attention.

OP, I think the propblem is FAR greater than your DH just not taking the time off to go with your DD upon her return to school.
His general level of interest and parenting his DD is very unacceptable! In your shoes, I would be closely questioning this with him, and would not let it go. Your DD will notice that he favours his son more than her, and it will affect her self esteem in the long run. It sunds as though he thinks he's only responsible for parenting one child!
Maybe you and him should consider counselling together if he's unwilling or unable to see how he is treating his daughter.
Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it, and it would be a deal breaker for me.

EKGEMS · 04/09/2019 11:08

I think your husband is an ass not to get any one on one time with your daughter and one day he will reap what he sows. Nothing wrong with taking son to school but it sounds like an imbalanced ratio

AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 11:13

Thinking about it OP do you think it's over compensating with his son because he doesn't live with him or do you think it's because he's a boy? Could be either of those or a mix of both hhhmmm

ElizaDee · 04/09/2019 11:29

@DayDreamingAway Wed 04-Sep-19 09:59:18
My children never had an issue with dp doing things for his kids because they don't live with us. In fact, they've had more of an issue with exh doing things for his new partner's kids instead of them.

Of course they wouldn't. DP is their stepdad, exDH is their dad Confused

RedskyLastNight · 04/09/2019 11:35

I find it a bit odd that you are fixating on him not taking his child to school (which is frankly, a non event, even if it's a new school, which isn't the case here) rather than him not spending more quality time with his DD? Because that sounds like the real issue.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/09/2019 11:44

I agree with RedskyLastNight the real issue is the lack of time he spends with your DD overall.

IamEarthymama · 04/09/2019 13:12

I think sometimes you trundle along and then one incident makes you stop and think, 'Oh, that's not fair is it?'

OP has had one of those moments and now needs to have a conversation with DD's father.
She deserves quality time too.

CTRLALTDELETED · 04/09/2019 13:18

I find it a bit odd that you are fixating on him not taking his child to school (which is frankly, a non event, even if it's a new school, which isn't the case here) rather than him not spending more quality time with his DD? Because that sounds like the real issue.

How is it odd? It’s a perfectly encapsulated example of a symptom of the wider problem.

Original poster
RayFish · 04/09/2019 15:34

IamEarthyMama That's it really. Today's event has made me think about how a lot of it seems unfair regarding quality time with DD. I do think PPs are right that he is over compensating for not having DS full time and I do understand that. It must be difficult for him. But at the same time it still hurts to see DD left out. She doesn't get A LOT of quality time with DP due to work (he has a stressful job) so yes, she sees him more than DS does but she isn't getting much more quality time. Clearly it's something we need to work on.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 04/09/2019 15:37

I guess as he doesn’t see ds as much it’s ok. Think of all the things he does with dd but misses out on for his ds.

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