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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at my wits end

42 replies

Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 14:08

Name changed for this (hoping it worked)

My son will be 17 next month and I'm at my wits end.

All the way through high school his behaviour has been terrible and has always been disruptive. In year 8 he was sent to another school for 4 weeks because of his behaviour but he improved it. But ever since he got with his girlfriend in year 10 (she's older than him and she doesn't go to his school) his behaviour at school has been terrible again and I'm not blaming her. He shouts, swears, gets in fights and disrupts the lesson. He failed some of his gcses due to not focusing and he had to do them in another room so he didn't distract others.

Over the summer I found out his girlfriend is pregnant and is due next month which I am unhappy about as she is older than him and he's only 16 but it's done now.

His head teacher has been nothing but fair to him since year 7. And when he was in year 11 (towards the end) we had a meeting with him and he said he knows he's a nice lad and can behave and he doesn't like who he has become.

Today is the first day in year 12 and he started a fight with a year 11.

AIBU to be at a wits end? Advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 16:05

Anyone?

OP posts:
LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/09/2019 16:11

What are school doing to help? Have you had any input from the SENCO?

How old is the girlfriend?

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 16:40

From about year 9/10 the headteacher gave him a time out pass where if he was disruptive he would go to the pastoral office but now he doesn't have it.

And no senco isn't involved.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 03/09/2019 16:50

Is school the best place for him to be educated?

Bluewall · 03/09/2019 16:55

Maybe he should think about doing an apprenticeship or getting a job where he will have a chance to train. It doesn't sound like there is much point in him going to school and he is going to need some money to help support the baby ? He could always choose to go back to college in a year or to once he has matured a bit ? How old is the girlfriend ? Have you all day down and maybe her parents as well to discuss the future ?

Bluewall · 03/09/2019 16:56

All sat down together that should have said.

LucyAutumn · 03/09/2019 17:20

I agree with the apprenticeship comment, he needs to be somewhere where his attitude and efforts receive more immediate results, good and bad.

athenagoddessofwar · 03/09/2019 17:44

An apprenticeship might give him the chance to build skills in a different environment. Perhaps he can just no longer cope in school?

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 18:10

I think his girlfriend is 19/20 or maybe 21 (I don't approve with their relationship but he says I can't stop him).

He doesn't know what he wants to do when he leaves school so I don't think he would do an apprenticeship.

OP posts:
Nanalisa60 · 03/09/2019 18:27

Well he is man enough to make a baby it’s about time he thought about how he is going to provide for this child for the next 16 years!!

I would sit him down and ask what would he like to do I would suggest talking about getting a apprenticeship in some sort of trade.

You never know he might surprise you when the penny drops and he realises it’s just not him who he has to think of now.

mumwon · 03/09/2019 18:48

persuade him - if you can - to go and have a chat at vocational college - talk to him as an adult - ask him what he sees himself doing in the future -what interests him

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 18:55

His girlfriends parents don't want him to be involved because he is a bad influence. But he doesn't care.

OP posts:
Bluewall · 03/09/2019 19:17

I think he needs some home truths he either improves his behaviour at school or leaves and gets a job. Even if her parents don't want him involved I am assuming they will push her to apply for maintenance ?

Have you actually spoken to her parents ? I really think you all need to sit down and talk about this. How do you feel about the baby ? Are you encouraging him to support his girlfriend and the baby ? Her parents may appreciate your input and support.

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 03/09/2019 19:46

I spoke to her parents and they said he cant be involved and won't be on birth certificate and won't pay anything

I am not happy about her being pregnant but there is nothing I can do about it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxbozzin · 04/09/2019 16:11

I feel like it's going to be a long year and he's going to be in headmaster's office a lot.

As today he was being disruptive and was calling a year 8 names.

OP posts:
Bluewall · 04/09/2019 16:47

Not really sure what advice you want. Why is he staying on at school ? Does he want to be at school ? Is there someone at school you can speak to who could help him find a better option college, apprenticeship or job ? A careers advisor or head of year.

Also you just seem to be ignoring the fact he is about to become a father. Does his girlfriend live with her partner's or alone ? Why do you not know her age would it not be a good idea to get to know her or more about her as she is about to have your grandchild ?

WhoWants2Know · 04/09/2019 16:52

So he got with his girlfriend when he was 15 and she was 20?

And her parents feel that he's a bad influence?

Is there a pressing reason that no one involved the police or social services before she got pregnant?

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 16:55

His school doesn't have to keep him now, do they? I would understand if they told him to go elsewhere.

I think an apprenticeship with a bunch of men who wouldn't let him get away with anything would be the best thing for him.

kateluvscats · 04/09/2019 16:57

If he was 15 and she was 20 then this is a matter for social services, can you imagine the outrage if it was a 15 year old girl and 20 year old man.

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 16:59

But he's nearly 17, @kateluvscats, so that doesn't apply.

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 04/09/2019 17:00

He doesn't want to go to college or do an apprenticeship or school. But he has to pick one until he's 18 so he chose school

I didn't know his girlfriend was older until this summer when he announced she was pregnant I just thought she was in his year. His girlfriend lives with her parents.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/09/2019 17:04

He doesn't want to go to college or do an apprenticeship or school

So what does he want to do?

And what does his father think of all this?

HollowTalk · 04/09/2019 17:10

But the thing is it's not just what he wants!

If he's caused trouble at school for five years and on his first day or two back he's causing more trouble, then the school should just tell him to bugger off. It would be a really good lesson for him.

What you mustn't do if that happens is fund him while he does nothing.

BlankTimes · 04/09/2019 17:21

All behaviour is communication, what is he trying to tell you with his?

What sort of assessments has he had for his behaviour?

Is he diagnosed with any conditions which he needs help with?

It's obvious that consequences for his actions have had no effect, so what have you and school come up with to deal with his behaviour?

Original poster
Foxbozzin · 04/09/2019 17:30

Me and his dad split up when he was a baby and was seeing his dad eow and once a week but when son was about 7/8 he refused to go as his dad got a new girlfriend and he didn't like her. So his dad doesn't know about now but he knows he used to refuse to do his work when he was in primary school. But we found out it was because it was easy for him and he was bored.

He hasn't been assessed for anything or diagnosed with anything.

OP posts:
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