who is being unreasonable here?

[thepondstakemanhatten]

I’m not actually a parent, but a daughter (18 years old), and I thought this place was the best to come for advice. My car was recently smashed into (it was parked - only other party was at fault) and the cheque for the insurance was delivered today. Here’s my AIBU, my parents think I should give them everything (Just over £1000)

They recently had an issue with their car which put them way out of pocket, we don’t have a lot of money and the insurance money would really help them - however, it would also really help me as i’m heading off to university for the first time in a few weeks and they’ve already told me I need more money saved for it (I do have a job, but it isn’t well paid)

I was prepared to split the money 50/50 on account of the fact that we’ve both paid things in relation to the car and the fact that they were having trouble. When I told them this I was promptly told that I wouldn’t be getting anything and it was their car and their money. I disputed this, as they did buy me the car and paid around £200-£300 total for it, but they changed who’s name the car was registered in to mine, and they expected me to pay for road tax and insurance which actually came to far more than they had ever paid for it (side note - i never asked for the car - i’m very grateful, but i have to say being given a surprise gift then being forced to spend £800 on it isn’t the most fun i’ve ever had)

I got upset at the prospect of having to hand everything over when the cheque came this morning, and my dad has already thrown the cheque at me and called me ‘scum’ for even considering keeping any of the money. (It’s in my name and I have to cash it) I have been repeatedly told this morning that it isn’t my car and never was despite me paying more for it than they did. If it was their car, why weren’t they the ones paying the insurance?

So, should I keep the money, give it to them, or split it? I know I’m biased but I’ve tried my hardest to be objective and I’m fully prepared to be told I’m unreasonable.

If it's your car and you're the one who insured it then you should keep the money. Your parents are twats.

Really the money is yours as you have paid the insurance and maintainance.

If you want to you can offer to give them to money they spent on it, the 200-300 pounds as a good will gesture.

But it absolutely is your money

i’m going to do it as soon as i can - my parents are acting like i should be incredibly grateful for the money i’m going to get off that even though it’s about £20

You paid the insurance, they gave you the gift of the car and you then had all other responsibilities for the car.

Do not give them any of it. The only one that is scum in this scenario is your dad!

I don't see why you should show someone 'goodwill' who calls you scum. If it's your insurance policy on a car in your name, it's your car and it's your insurance payout. They aren't entitled to a penny of it.

Your dad called you scum? I hope you’re moving out for uni, you paid the insurance and upkeep of the car therefore it’s your money, if you think £200 would shut them up give that if not give them bugger all. They sound vile.

Put the cheque away for now and tell them youre not cashing it yet. You could offer them 300 quid they paid for the car and that's it. It's not you fault they're skint.

My mother is like this as well, stand your ground now because it doesn't get any better and if you cave, there will always be something you'll have to cave on in the future.

Put the cheque away in a safe place so they can't take it to one of those cheque cashing places for a fee

Its your car
You paid the insurance
The money is yours

Is the car written off? If not, I presume the £ was to pay for repairs?

If the car is written off, I'd give them what they paid for it and use the rest to get yourself a new car. They're not then out of pocket and can't claim you owe them anything.

They sound unsupportive, good luck at uni and show them what an independent 'no shit' woman you've become.

At most, I would give them back what they paid for the car. How are they justifying wanting more than it actually cost them?!?

You are not being at all unreasonable and you are definitely not scum. Your dad sounds bloody horrible. Is this the first time your parents have behaved this way?

I think, in your position, I’d give them back the £300 they paid for the car, telling them you’ve repaid them for everything they spent and you don’t owe them a penny, stick the rest in your uni account and scrimp and save every penny so you don’t have to move back home after uni. Do you have any family locally you can stay with until it’s time to go?

You pay the insurance - it's your money your parents are arseholes !!

I'm another one who says keep the money, but GIFT them £200-300 to replace the money they paid for the car when they gifted you that.

They made the decision to buy you a car and give it to you, the car is in your name, so is the insurance and tax (both of which you pay yourself), therefore the car is yours.

They have just seen a convenient sum of money come your way and want to guilt you from keeping it. It is your money, you were inconvenienced by someone crashing into your car and this money is compensation for that to do with whatever you wish.

You are legally an adult, that money is rightfully yours and show your parents this thread if they cannot see sense that they have NO entitlement to the money, and that any money that you choose to give them is nothing but a generous gift on your behalf.

I feel for you OP, there are many parents who feel they are “owed” something by their kids just for bringing them up to adult age! I have kids around your age 17 and 20 and it would not occur to me to do the same, I would have been happy for them, even if I was skint! Keep your cash sweetheart x

Gift them £300 for all future birthday and Christmas presents and move out. They sound horrible, I'm sorry you don't have supportive parents.

If the car was classed as 'their' can then you'd have no money at all as you'd be the Insured person yet no insurable interest on the car. The fact the insurance has been paid out to you proves it is yours.
They're putting you in an awful position. I'd never dream of treating my kids this way

They’re being totally unreasonable about the car and, as a separate issue, it’s really vile of your father to call you ‘scum’. If you don’t get a sincere apology about that, I’d say the best thing you can do for your own emotional health is to distance yourself from them - but do keep an eye out for ways to build your support network at uni, so you’re not isolated.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at a time when there’s already so much going on for you. Unfortunately not everyone gets kind parents. Good luck.

Put the cheque away in a safe place so they can't take it to one of those cheque cashing places for a fee

Or better still lodge the cheque into your own bank account where they won't have access to it.

I'd probably gift them back the money they paid for it and never accept a gift from them again, as you now know they will come after it further down the line. Hope you manage to get away and gain financial independence from them soon as they sound like horrible people.

You were 'forced' to spend £800 on a car you didn't want? If you can afford that you can afford to give them something but splitting it is probably the best idea. If they get funny about that just give it all to them, presumably they've supported you for 18yrs so what's a few hundred.

When you get to uni don't look back

How come insurance have paid out £1000 when the car is only worth £200-300?

And is the money not needed to fix the car? Or are you just accepting it's written off because you won't be needing it at uni anyway?

Presumably the bulk of that cash is a refund in the insurance that you paid for and no longer need?

You don't owe them anything. You could give them the money you had spent as a gesture but honestly I'd take every penny and use it to get away from them as fast as possible.

I hope you're moving away for uni?! I agree with the PPs that your best approach is to pay them what the car cost them, pocket the rest and move swiftly and gracefully out of there.

Do your parents have any idea what insurance costs a driver of your age? The initial price of a starter car is negligible in comparison.

All my three had help with their first car including driving lessons, purchase price, licensing and insurance for the first year, even when it made the financial pips squeak a bit for me, but that was a choice, so no judgement there, and I could (just) afford it at the time.

YANBU but your parents ABVU and nasty to boot. Depending how you plan to work through uni, you may find you do not need a car at all for the next 3+ years, especially if you are going to a city with good transport links. That would also be another reason not to go home very often, if you needed one!

An old friend once told me of a fellow uni student who went home for the first Christmas to find his parents had let his room and had his dog put down. I thought of them when I read your story...

You have a great time at uni, you hear?! Stay safe, work hard, make lovely friends (they'll be for life if you pick well) and grow right out of you parents.

Your parents sound abusive. Don’t give them money and get in touch with counselling services when you head off to uni.