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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who is being unreasonable here?

50 replies

thepondstakemanhatten · 03/09/2019 12:08

I’m not actually a parent, but a daughter (18 years old), and I thought this place was the best to come for advice. My car was recently smashed into (it was parked - only other party was at fault) and the cheque for the insurance was delivered today. Here’s my AIBU, my parents think I should give them everything (Just over £1000)

They recently had an issue with their car which put them way out of pocket, we don’t have a lot of money and the insurance money would really help them - however, it would also really help me as i’m heading off to university for the first time in a few weeks and they’ve already told me I need more money saved for it (I do have a job, but it isn’t well paid)

I was prepared to split the money 50/50 on account of the fact that we’ve both paid things in relation to the car and the fact that they were having trouble. When I told them this I was promptly told that I wouldn’t be getting anything and it was their car and their money. I disputed this, as they did buy me the car and paid around £200-£300 total for it, but they changed who’s name the car was registered in to mine, and they expected me to pay for road tax and insurance which actually came to far more than they had ever paid for it (side note - i never asked for the car - i’m very grateful, but i have to say being given a surprise gift then being forced to spend £800 on it isn’t the most fun i’ve ever had)

I got upset at the prospect of having to hand everything over when the cheque came this morning, and my dad has already thrown the cheque at me and called me ‘scum’ for even considering keeping any of the money. (It’s in my name and I have to cash it) I have been repeatedly told this morning that it isn’t my car and never was despite me paying more for it than they did. If it was their car, why weren’t they the ones paying the insurance?

So, should I keep the money, give it to them, or split it? I know I’m biased but I’ve tried my hardest to be objective and I’m fully prepared to be told I’m unreasonable.

OP posts:

Derbee · 03/09/2019 12:40

I would keep it. If you ‘gift’ them the £200-£300, you will be £200-£300 down, and they will still resent you for not giving the, half or all of it. Fuck them, keep the cheque. Good luck at uni. Enjoy being away from them for a bit, they sound like they’re being arseholes and taking their money problems out on you.

DoomsdayCult · 03/09/2019 12:44

The car was a gift and you paid all running costs, so the £1000 is all yours.
You could pay them back the £ they spent on it, but with their attitude they’d probably react like it was an insult instead of an olive branch.
Keep the money and look at it as a lesson learned because this will not be the first time they will try and bully you into giving them money.
So sorry your parents are like this. It’s a testimony to your good sense and character that you know right from wrong,

herculepoirot2 · 03/09/2019 12:47

Is it only me who has never heard an 18 year old say “out of pocket”?

Millie2017 · 03/09/2019 12:47

In the circumstances you’ve described it would never have occurred to me to give them anything. It was clearly your car - assuming it absolutely was a gift and there was never any expectation of repayment.
However, for me this would depend on the relationship you have with your parents. If it was excellent apart from this issue I’d consider giving them the money. Only because it is a bit of a ‘windfall’ in that you weren’t expecting it and hadn’t planned a use for it and the fact that it feels that it will cause a major family rift.
Tricky because I think you are right. Depends how important the money is for your right now I guess.

Original poster

thepondstakemanhatten · 03/09/2019 12:49

@herculepoirot2 i think that’s just me, i’m an english lit student

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 03/09/2019 12:55

It’s your car (regardless of the fact that it was a gift) and you paid for the insurance so of course you should absolutely keep the money - all of it! It’s outrageous that anyone would expect you to pay the insurance and the demand the money from you when it pays out. And it is absolutely disgusting that your dad called you ‘scum’ - there’s no excuse to speak to you like that, and you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Are you going away for uni or living at home? I think it would help you a lot to have some distance between you and your parents because they don’t sound very nice, frankly.

dollydaydream114 · 03/09/2019 12:57

Is it only me who has never heard an 18 year old say “out of pocket”?

Yes, just you. It’s not exactly a rare or old-fashioned expression.

herculepoirot2 · 03/09/2019 13:01

dollydaydream114

Got to differ with you there. I’d bet the house on the person who wrote this being at least forty.

LemonAddict · 03/09/2019 13:01

Insurance have paid out £1000 on a car worth £300.

I don’t think so

Original poster

thepondstakemanhatten · 03/09/2019 13:03

@herculepoirot2 could send you a selfie if you like?

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 03/09/2019 13:05

No thanks.

Original poster

thepondstakemanhatten · 03/09/2019 13:05

@LemonAddict it was bought for less because it didn’t work, most of the £300 was on parts for the car (my parents had an engineer friend fix it for free) - we were also surprised at the amount but when the car is in working order they do go for £1000 so that’s what they gave us - (and to those asking, it was written off)

OP posts:

Rosielily · 03/09/2019 13:06

As a pp said - doesn't the £1000 include a refund of the insurance too?

HugoSpritz · 03/09/2019 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsm43s · 03/09/2019 13:13

I don't think who has paid the running costs for the car is relevant here, it's about who owns the car. Regardless of who's name it is registered in, your parents bought the car. Only you and they know whether it given to you as an outright gift, or whether it was intended to be a second family car, or perhaps something that was bought purely to facilitate your travel to 6th form that they intended to resell when you left for uni. Morally, I think that is the crux of the matter. Legally, you can keep the money. It may well cost you more in the long run though, if your parents feel disinclined to let you live back at home for free over the university holidays...

PaulaProctor · 03/09/2019 13:14

@pinkyredrose just because they supported the OP for 18 years doesn't mean they are owed. The OP didn't ask to be born (!)

OP give them £300 and keep the rest for uni.

3dogs2cats · 03/09/2019 13:25

I can not imagine in a million years calling one of my children “scum”, it’s a horrible situation for you as you need somewhere to be during holidays. They are not being reasonable. If I were you I would want to tell them to fuck off, but fortunately you seem to have a cooler head on your young shoulders. If you give them all the money, you may never forgive them, but they have made it clear that they feel it is theirs,and they may never forgive you. My advice would be to well up every time it is mentioned, and say you can’t think about it right now, give yourself some more time. Best ofluck

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 03/09/2019 15:27

That strange poster who implied you’re not who you say you are simply because you said ‘out of pocket’ is always rude on posts OP, don’t worry. I don’t think there’s anything odd about the phrase. I’m not much older than you myself and I’d use it!

Your parents sound horrible - please don’t give them the money!

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2019 15:28

your parents sound abusive

Give me strength. They gave her a car ffs.

I think OP is ever so entitled.

herculepoirot2 · 03/09/2019 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pukkatea · 03/09/2019 15:47

They gave her a car ffs.

Which turns out not to have been a gift at all once they get £££ in their eyes. Do you actually think it's OK to call your kids scum so long as you gift them stuff now and then (only to try and take it back later with interest?)

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/09/2019 15:49

Dont you need the money towards another car? If they bought a car and arranged for it to be fixed for you that is quite a big gift.

Did they use the car as well? And what were you planning to do with the car when you left for uni?

Only ask because, if they bought you a car but asked to be second drivers on it (which can actually lower the cost of insurance when second drivers are 'safer') and you were planning on leaving the car with them when you went to uni, and now you're not replacing it, they are now going to have to buy another car and out of pocket. Not excusing the way they spoke to you but in those circumstances they might see it as having to buy it twice. Otherwise YANBU keeping the cash

MrsRufusdog789 · 03/09/2019 15:59

A parent is supposed to assist their child not other way round .
The car is legally yours as it was a gift from them . Responsibly you insured and taxed it . The insurance payment after your no fault on your part accident is not a windfall for your father as he seems to think .
Im wondering how such parents deserve a good daughter tbh .
Even though they are not entitled to a penny if you can afford it reimburse them for what they paid for your " present" . Though you have no legal requirement to do that . Enjoy UNI xxxx

PegasusReturns · 03/09/2019 20:15

Of course you don't get the insurance refunded!!

I did when my car was stolen. They refunded me pro rata for the period that I didn't have a car to insure

BuildBuildings · 03/09/2019 20:25

What is wrong with op's posting history?

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