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Original poster

To be exasperated with my OH over dental issue?

45 replies

WomanBornNotWorn · 03/09/2019 10:55

He announced yesterday he thinks he has an abscess. He also hasn't been feeling very well. But no of course the two aren't linked ...

Then there's Guilt. I was so wrapped up in my own menopause / financial / anxiety problems I completely failed to notice that even though I've kept up the twice yearly hygienist and checkups it was news to me that he hasn't been for seven years. Because he doesn't like or trust his dentist.

Tried googling local NHS dentists to get at least something underway but he got angry.

I know he's scared (scangry?) and knowing I now have to manage his anxiety as well as my own is just more angst I can do without.

OP posts:
Haworthia · 03/09/2019 10:57

You’re not his mother. Just tell him to put his big boy pants on and find a dentist.

Windydaysuponus · 03/09/2019 11:00

He is your dh not your ds.
No guilt for you op.

slobberyblob · 03/09/2019 11:01

For the love of god!

healththrowawayx · 03/09/2019 11:04

Wtf is wrong with both of you? He can arrange his own dental appointments you know, he was stupid to keep putting it off. You sound ridiculous, this is hardly ‘angst’

BallacheForLife · 03/09/2019 11:05

At what point did his dental hygiene become your responsibility...?

Shoppingwithmother · 03/09/2019 11:08

What???

Cheeserton · 03/09/2019 11:10

Big boy pants indeed... Some people have severe dental phobias. Is he one of them? If so, it's no minor thing. Perhaps if he's really scared you could suggest finding a dentist who offers sedation.

smokeytoby · 03/09/2019 11:10

His teeth, his responsibility.

OrangeSwoosh · 03/09/2019 11:12

He's an adult and more than capable of managing his own appointments. Maybe this will teach him that prevention is better than cure

Sicario · 03/09/2019 11:21

Goodness me, woman. Tell him to man up and leave him to it. He knows what a phone is, he knows what a dentist is, and you know what a prat is.

sillysmiles · 03/09/2019 11:28

Why are you guilty? Grown adult man has teeth. Needs to mind theam/see dentist. Hasn't. Why are you in anyway involved? Do you remind him to brush his teeth before bed too?

Fieldfayre1 · 03/09/2019 11:34

Don't beat yourself up - but he does need to go. If he won't go to your dentist maybe ask around your friends or GP for someone good and nice that they go to and give him the number. Don't mess around with oral health - don't mean to panic you but a former colleague was similar re dentists and died of mouth cancer and another colleague's former colleague had been found dead at his desk one Monday morning because he had been too busy to go to his. Please please don't take it personally - but he does need to just get to one. Hopefully it will be nothing sinister and then he will feel better and you are reassured. And if something more it can be nipped in the bud. And after the appointment do something nice together?

Hope it all goes OK.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 03/09/2019 11:36

I read this that the OP was being sarcastic in her post. And her DH is making her feel guilty because she should have noticed he hadn’t gone to the dentist.

Perhaps I’m wrong.

In any case, no guilt necessary, he will sort himself out when the pain gets too bad.

Will No doubt be private too as I would love to see him get an NHS dentist at such short notice.

Fieldfayre1 · 03/09/2019 11:39

Sorry to go on about this - but the poor guy who had died at his desk had an abscess in his mouth and hadn't visited the dentist as too busy at work...hope I am just being OTT but I am now very aware of us all going to the dentist. Good luck!! And it is not your fault - just a human situation - possibly similar to smear tests? We have a lovely dentist but it just takes one bad experience as a child and I can see how it could live on. All the best.

Gingernaut · 03/09/2019 11:39

Why are you Googling dentists?

If he's that bugged about it, he should have looked after his teeth himself and gone to the chopper shop himself.

Does he want you to brush his tootle pegs for him too?

Alpacathebag · 03/09/2019 11:39
  1. He is an adult, not your child.
  2. He can find a dentist or deal with the pain and illness
  3. You don’t have to manage his anxiety, he does.
  4. It is not up to you to notice he hasn’t seen a dentist in seven years, that’s all on him.
  5. Look up what the mental load is for women, read about it and then begin to challenge it in your home; it will be better for all of you.
Tonnerre · 03/09/2019 11:42

Ask him what he proposes to do about the abscess. If he doesn't like or trust his dentist, on the face of it there's an incredibly easy answer in the shape of finding another.

Drum2018 · 03/09/2019 11:44

Then there's Guilt. I was so wrapped up in my own menopause / financial / anxiety problems I completely failed to notice that even though I've kept up the twice yearly hygienist and checkups it was news to me that he hasn't been for seven years

Are you serious? Why on earth would you feel guilty because your adult husband hasn't taken it upon himself to look after his own dental hygiene? Will you stop mothering him and tell him to sort his own teeth out. And if he doesn't do it and he moans about pain of a possible abscess then walk away. He'll soon realise that he is well able to pick up the phone and make an appointment himself.

PurpleDaisies · 03/09/2019 11:47

You can get an abscess even if you have regular check ups. That happened with one of my root canal fillings.

This is his responsibility to sort out. Leave him to it, unless he asks for support.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/09/2019 11:48

knowing I now have to manage his anxiety as well as my own

You don't have to manage his anxiety. He has to do that. Why is it your job to do emotional work for this adult?

Drum2018 · 03/09/2019 11:49

Sorry to go on about this - but the poor guy who had died at his desk had an abscess in his mouth and hadn't visited the dentist as too busy at work

Glad you clarified that Confused

When I say 'walk away' I mean leave the room, not leave him Grin

GreyHare · 03/09/2019 11:50

Go private if you can afford it, I'm terrified of the dentist but with a little help from being hypnotised and finding a dentist that goes at my pace and offers sedation I have managed to have some major work done, but I have managed to organise it by myself, tell to put on his big boy pants and sort it out, I had to sort mine out because of an access but the dentist looked and didn't touch anywhere in my mouth, gave me antibiotics and then I had the offending tooth pulled out under sedation, never felt thing.

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2019 11:54

Why is it your fault? He's a grown man, he should be able to manage his own health

BlueCornsihPixie · 03/09/2019 11:55

His mouth his responsibility

He's capable of making his own decisions about his oral care, and it's his own fault he's my been for 7 yrs and now didn't have a dentist to go to

He's capable of working out if he doesn't like or trust his dentist to find another one

He can visit an emergency NHS dentist to sort out the abscess

TheSilveryPussycat · 03/09/2019 11:59

I imagine this must put you off kissing him?