Annoying In-Laws

[WasABabe]

I feel so horrid writing this or saying it out loud, but my mother in law and father in law actually are both annoying me big time. They have brought up a lovely son, who loves and looks after me. He is a wonderful son and husband. So I give them credit for that. They have been relatively kind to me too. But now that I am pregnant, my inlaws make comments which put me on edge. For example, my mother in law was hovering around when my husband and I were discussing day care options, she butts in snd says, I am not comfortable with the baby going to daycare. I will quit my job to look after this baby. Another time she said, I have picked out baby names that I will tell you later. When we have friends over to visit and they let me hold their babies, she comes and snatches the baby out of my arms and says things like - have your tea, let me help ypu etc. My father in law chimes in when my husband offers me something to eat and says - thats not good for her. Recently he told my husband when I go back to work, the baby would stay with them. He even got upset when we bought a second hand crib for the baby. He said never again buy second hand things for my grand child. I don’t see what the fuss is about. My husband and I like loving comfortably but below our means. We want our child also to be that way. A baby is not going to tell the difference anyway. I guess what I am trying to say is that he made us feel like we were not doing the best for our child.
I am very uncomfortable with this. Especially because my own parents never force their opinions on me or my husband. I try to be kind and firm, but I don’t want to hurt them. They are decent people compared to some total clowns out there..
But this is our baby..and I need to establish some boundaries.. Anyone with similar experiences? Am I being paranoid?

I would just nod and smile and do whatever you and your DH decide is best for your child.

I also would stop showing everything you have bought for the baby and discussing your future plans with the in laws. Why give them another opportunity to criticise you?

If you you have good relations with them and your dh.. Then he should easily be able to manage this and do it now before the baby comes.

Diplomatic kind messages.... 'mum of course I value your opinion but this baby is our baby and we will do what's best for us and our child even if that includes nursery.'

Keep repeating stuff like that
Re cot....

'ahh that's so sweet dad... However second hand is us... It makes sense financially and ethically. Its clean and safe and that's what matters.'

Lessen time spent with them, inject your own parents in...

'oh Mil that's sweet but my mum would say different..' and gently 'manage' expectations now.

Yes, don't discuss your business or plans about the baby with them around, it gives them chance to interfere. We told our in laws about our plans for childcare and they got up and walked out. They will always have an opinion, what they shouldn't do, is voice it. Next time they say something, just calmly say, "oh that's interesting, we will mull it over, but we usually do this ... "

And Yy to chottie... Stop sharing info.
Unfortunately bringing them into the build up has proved a little negative...

Yes I agree with stop telling them anything - names, childcare arrangements, whether you’ll be breastfeeding or not. Anything you don’t want their opinion on.

If you and DH are on the same page hopefully things will pan out ok. Try not to get het up, be firm but pleasant and just keep remembering it’s your baby and nobody has a say in anything to do with it ( apart from your H of course )

Definitely nip this in the bud now. If they are this bad before the baby is born they will be a nightmare afterwards.

My MIL was similar to this (although not as bad) and I politely didn't say anything thinking I was being the bigger person. When the baby was born she really overstepped some boundaries. My protective hormones kicked in and I went absolutely berserk. DH was really annoyed at her and backed me up 100% but I did explain to him that I had been taking her shit for 3 years (at his request 'oh she didn't mean it like that' or 'she's just trying to help' 'she just wants to be included' ) so she didn't know where 'the line' was. She's been much better ever since.

I agree with Chottie. Smile and don’t go crazy with details. Sounds like they genuinely care about you and the baby and want what they see as being best for you both, which is nice to know, although still not ideal if they are blurting out what they expect rather than to ask.

If it’s just too much and if anyone has to have a convo with them to stop them going on about their opinions about the future care etc if your baby it may be better if it’s their son who gives them the bad news that you’ve decided on daycare at least a few days a week for socialisation, however if they want to look after the baby on so and so day every week/Saturday night once a month etc that would be much appreciated etc. And the list if baby names will be appreciated but we will make the final decision mum so i hope you won’t be offended if it’s not a name you like best.

Having someone kind and committed looking after your child will be really helpful for you to still have a life of an evening sometimes, so if you can put up with them going a bit OTT because they love you all it will work out fine. It just a bit frustrating but they sound loving, just a bit misplaced with their telling rather than asking about things.
All the best

You are not being paranoid. That's way over the top. It's one thing offering child care etc its another telling you how it's going to be.

Second hand makes sense for babies as they use things for such a small amount of time, you can get some pristine bargains.

What does your husband say when they tell you what they're going to do?

Definitely nip it in the bud and lay out expectations for how often they are going to see the grandchild, it sounds like they expect to see them daily and be involved in everything

Who picks out someone elses baby name for them, that's madness!

Listen, you don't have to take their advise literally I'd politely tell them thanks I'll bare it in mind or I'm alright I can manage when it comes to the second had stuff just say thanks but we're the parents... Have your husband set the record straight with them before the baby arrives the last thing you want is tension in the air itsound like they just want to be involved but they also need to know when to step back and let you both parent they have done theirs and I'm sure they wouldn't have tolerated it. Good luck.

They brought up a son that is lovely, but cannot speak up for himself. As previous posters have said, he should be able to say thanks for the ideas, but that you are doing things your way as a couple.

You can tell them less, but why should you have to watch what you say in case they interfere?

A clear message from him now would be better as once you have a baby you will be 100 times more tired and find interference harder to deal with.

I find laughing at people who overstep the line makes them question what they're doing. I'm NC with MIL now but when she would visit and read our calendar and ask questions about things written on it I'd laugh and ask "why would you ask that?" or when she began suggesting names while I was pregnant I'd caught and ask "why would you think you get to name the baby?" She never had answers, and it immediately put her on the back foot because she knew I wasn't going to roll over and let her make decisions for our family.

It is so difficult to have IL's who overstep your boundaries, but it's not rude to stand your ground, nor is it rude to do what makes you and your DH happy; they have had their DC, they have had their time making decisions. Now it's your time, so don't ever feel guilty for not allowing them to make choices for you.

Oh wow. I'm currently pregnant and could have written this post myself! MIL is a lovely lady, but just doesn't seem to have any boundaries when it comes to making decisions for our child. Most recently she informed us she had booked a photoshoot for our (as yet unborn) child and picked out a Christmas outfit for it (baby is due in Nov) so that we can send it to all our family and friends as our thank you/Christmas cards.

Every decision we make is judged and they are ALL wrong.

for you OP. I totally get how hard it can be to manage expectations whilst also including someone who is your child's grandparent in their life. Hoping for some helpful ideas on this post that I can steal :)

Establish some boundaries now, or when this baby arrives (and your energy and emotions will be fully needed elsewhere) they'll be insufferable. Put them on an information diet. Don't discuss your decisions for your baby with them. Don't show them every single thing you buy the baby: it seems to be the opening point for a 'discussion (CF. criticism).

Deploy 'grey rock'. Practice some stock responses to their pushiness. 'That's taken care of, thanks'. 'We've already made our decision'. 'We can manage fine'. 'We've decided on names, thank you'. 'That's already under control (i.e not yours!).

The jawdropping one is the assumption of the right to name someone else's baby. This is your son or daughter. She's already named hers.

Good luck with this one, OP. I fear you'll need it. Congratulations on your impeding arrival

Is this their first grandchild and is DH and only child?

I've had this problem and found it difficult for a while. Comments like "our grandchild will never wear clothes from primark/supermarkets etc". Well she does because my friend bought her some super cute primark clothes! And I love ASDAs sleepsuits.

There were many other comments too and I really struggled.
I spoke to DP and he made me realise they're coming from a good place.

They don't mean to be overbearing, they're just excited and want the best for baby. They don't realise they're overstepping the mark.

You just need to be confident enough to let them know that you will make the decisions.

When they say "I'll quit my job" say "don't be silly, we'll work it out ourselves."
When they say "the baby will stay with us" say "we haven't decided what we're going to do yet but thanks for the offer, we'll bear it in mind."

Set your boundaries but don't try to shut them out if you normally have a good relationship.

YANBU and you need to get boundaries in place right from the beginning. It's great that they are keen to be involved, but it's not their place to tell you what childcare / name / cot you should choose for your baby. Make sure you say firmly "Thank you for your opinion, DH and I will think it over and make a decision" every time they overstep the line.

Thanks everyone, your advice has really come as confirmation for my jumbled thoughts and emotions. I am hormonal so sometimes It’s hard for me to judge correctly what’s intrusive.
DH has tried to stop these things gently. It continues happening anyway. We are both on the same page when it comes to making decisions together. But he is a kind man, and if I complain about something that happened, he makes me calmer but I can tell it hurts him. He doesn’t say anything negative about me or his parents. He is very tolerant and sometimes I fear I may hurt him. So far things have been okay.
My parents will be coming for the birth and will help out with cooking and cleaning. I am really grateful for that because atleast they will be around for the moral support. My mom is very wise and kind. I think thats what keeps me from loving my husbands parents unconditionally because I compare my parents to his and look for flaws.
Maybe when the baby comes, there will be so much happiness and excitement, that there won’t be room for negativity.
Just have to be firmer I guess.

This reminds me of the TV program, The Little House, where the batshit mother in law takes over the baby and gaslights the mother into thinking she's goin crazy!

Is she trying to make sure that she isn't pushed out?

She can't really think that she gets to choose the name, can she?

Perhaps best to no longer discuss anything in front of her?

I suppose some people think that their input is wanted if that happens?

"I spoke to DP and he made me realise they're coming from a good place."

That excuse is used all the time though by men who don't want to upset their parents!

What's a good place about saying this/that will be happening with someone else's child?

And rather than "we'll bear it in mind", a straight "no thank you" if you have no intention of ever taking up the offer.

Do you live with them?

Does your MIL have qualifications in early years care? Has she shown herself willing to follow your preferences, where not unsafe?
If the answer is no, then why does she assume she is best to care for your baby as actual childcare? - as opposed to “just” being grandma, of whom we normally have different and more flexible expectations.

She is off the scale considering your baby isn’t born yet. I’m afraid they are both going to be a nightmare. The taking other people’s babies off you particularly, I assume she was training you to expect her to take her grandchild - your newborn, off you, whenever she fancies!

The only way to deal with this is to talk to your DH now and agree boundaries and responses for both sets of parents. DH needs to be gatekeeper in the early weeks as you are recovering from giving birth and tanked up on hormones. Later you look out for DH with regard to your parents and he looks out for you with his. So if he is sat playing with his baby on his knee and your mum wordlessly walks up and takes the baby off, you interject “Bloody Hell Mum! That was a bit rude! You don’t just take someone’s baby off them without asking.” - and you go and get the baby and bring it back to DH. And that’s what he does for you.
Tell him he needs to notice stuff, selective deafness will send you round the bend. People are forever posting that their DH didn’t notice them getting a half portion of food/ having their crying baby taken off them/ having to sit on the floor while his family occupy the sofa and chairs the day after giving birth.
Honestly, it’s unbelievable.

Sorry but they are going to be ghastly after the baby is born and you both need to be prepared or you are going to be miserable.
Oh and they are not nice sweet people. I can see you might have to pay lip service to that fallacy for your DH’s sake, but this behaviour is bullying and unpleasant, not sweet.

I could have written this post myself OP.
What worked for us was DH stepping up & speaking up each & every single time something like this happened because even when I was firm with making my thoughts known, they were ignored.
Same as you, told MIL a name we were considering & she said I was pronouncing it wrong & hated it anyway.. I wish I had of spoken up before the baby was born as it only got progressively worse after. DH & family put this down to it being her first grandchild.

MIL forcibly taking my newborn out of my arms at the dinner table "I'll hold them, you eat" even though she was also sitting to eat🙄
Or when my EBF baby was literally screaming with hunger but MIL refused to give them back because she 'just knew' they were overtired, to the point where I was in tears. As soon as DH intervened with a stern talking to, MIL calmed down & returned to the lovely lady she was before she knew I was pregnant, all very strange but seriously set your boundaries now before a baby is here!

One way to approach it with your husband is in terms of actually protecting your relationship with your in-laws, say all these warning signs have got you worried as a first baby is a really common time for in-law relations to break down. If they make your baby’s first weeks more stressful for you, it will be difficult for you to come back from, so he needs to help to prevent that happening.
It’s true too, so many in-law threads start: “I always got on great with my in-laws until DS was born....”
Good luck.