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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this offensive

33 replies

Justrepl45 · 02/09/2019 20:59

I have had a rocky road at university the past couple of years and have not done well in some elements of my course. Without outing myself it is a sponsored qualification and my employers have given me extra support after I disclosed that I needed it. It has been rocky and I would like to draw a line under it when done. I was speaking to my mother about it today and her response was “you spend so much time trying to beat the system that it makes your life harder in the long run”. Her comment really stung and I put the phone down. Is this unkind? I am paranoid there may be truth in it and it’s really upset and embarrassed me, it’s made me feel that that is this is an opinion that others share

OP posts:
Original poster
Justrepl45 · 02/09/2019 21:00

The extra support was the difference between me keeping and losing my job

OP posts:
legalseagull · 02/09/2019 21:11

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your mother. Whether she was offering it as a innocent comment/advice or as a dig. I would say something similar to my sister for example, as we are very close and I'd feel able to be completely honest with her. Sometimes the truth hurts and it takes it being said by someone for you to acknowledge failings and act on them

CorBlimeyGovenor · 03/09/2019 07:06

Sorry OP, but there is just not enough to go on in this post to make a decision. What did your mother mean exactly?

siring1 · 03/09/2019 07:33

Not possible to say.

She may have been offensive, she may have been speaking a truth you didn't want to hear.

BertsFriend · 03/09/2019 07:40

I think it depends if it's true, because if it is then it was kind of her to point it out, especially if she sees it backfiring. If it's not true then it was unkind to accuse you of being difficult (because often that's what people 'trying to beat the system' are).

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2019 07:42

I don't see how struggling with your course is trying to beat the system

Chitarra · 03/09/2019 07:44

I agree there isn't really enough information here, however I would tend to assume that your mum is in the wrong. There's nothing wrong with asking for extra support if you're struggling (I work at a university). Unless you got help that you really didn't need compared to the other students.

Guavaf1sh · 03/09/2019 07:44

It’s not good that you put the phone down. Did you call back afterward? Did she? Seems a shame to fall out over her pointing out something that you admit has a grain of truth to it

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 07:48

Is it true? Your reaction would suggest that there is some truth to it and she touched a nerve.
How old are you?

HennyPennyHorror · 03/09/2019 07:50

Are you regularly looking for issues within the system? Trying to catch it out? Looking for easy ways out of things?

T0getherindreams · 03/09/2019 08:41

You've answered your own question.

You believe that there might be some truth in what she said.

Nothing is offensive, we hear words, observe actions, and attach meaning to those words or actions. We can choose any corresponding emotion, if something "is offensive", we have chosen to find it offensive. We have considered the circumstances and decided which emotion to feel.

When people choose to find things offensive, it's often as a result of an identified "failure" which they have identified in their own lives. For example, a overweight person who feels unhappy with their body may choose to find any comment regarding their weight as offensive, as it forces them to consider an aspect of their own personality which they have issues with and which they have been trying to ignore.

You have been thinking the same as your mother, but she voiced the opinion first and now you have been forced to think about it.

It's a normal, if unhelpful, facet of human behaviour.

recrudescence · 03/09/2019 09:04

I know it’s a cliché but the truth hurts. Is that what’s happening here?

steff13 · 03/09/2019 09:09

Based on what you've said, I'd tend to think it was an honest comment rather than an unkind one.

picklemepopcorn · 03/09/2019 11:16

What was she getting at, do you think? Was she suggesting that you are over reaching and so beating the system by getting support?

Are you making yourself stressed and unhappy by putting too much pressure on yourself?

It's your (and your tutor/employer) call, not hers.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/09/2019 11:22

The comment is not in itself offensive. It might have been unkind of her to say. There is not enough context to know her motivation - whether she was trying to steer you right, whether she was just a bit thoughtless, or whether she was actively trying to upset you. But it It is a very specific thing to say. And since it has given you pause for thought you would probably benefit from giving consideration as to how much truth there is in what she has said. Unless you are very lacking in self awareness you are likely to know the truth of the situation. If you mother is right then it is not too late (it rarely is - we are all a work in progress) to try to effect some changes.

Mousetolioness · 03/09/2019 11:32

I don't think that was entirely fair on the part of your mother tbh.
You're hardly beating the system by getting additional support with your studies. You haven't 'beaten' any system - you've accessed support made available to you BY the system. Could it be she sees you striving to attain and feels you put yourself through unnecessary hoops causing you stress?

If you were constantly struggling at something which didn't have an attainable benefit or end in sight but just kept on for the hell of it she might have a point.

It may be that you have unwittingly over-bent her ear whilst you've been struggling and she just said that in exasperation, without thinking, and feeling it was time you changed your tune. Sometimes we over-share our struggles to the frustration of others and are less receptive to or aware of their needs. Been there, done that.

NoBaggyPants · 03/09/2019 11:37

To me trying to beat the system would be lying to get benefits or claiming to have a qualification you don't have. What does she mean?

Sagradafamiliar · 03/09/2019 17:29

Beat the system means getting one on up by dishonesty means in any context I can think of so yes she was being an arse if she was implying you're on the fiddle just by having the help you were entitled to and needed.

Sagradafamiliar · 03/09/2019 17:29

Dishonest*

lunar1 · 03/09/2019 17:31

I guess it depends what the support was, did they just give you extra time? Or did they give excessive help with coursework?

dollydaydream114 · 03/09/2019 18:16

It doesn't sound remotely 'offensive' to me. It might have been a reasonable assessment of your character. Or it might be inaccurate or unfair - as we don't know you, we've no idea whether it was a fair comment or not.

But either way, it's not 'offensive'. You sound a bit over-sensitive so maybe your head's just not in a good place at the moment.

Original poster
Justrepl45 · 06/09/2019 23:34

I think she is referring to the fact that when I struggle with something I get very overwhelmed and have ended up asking for extra time/support. Eg I have asked to take certain exams later/admitted that I have had mental health struggles. This has only even been in an examination context as they are not something I find easy but I have always got them done with good results

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/09/2019 23:40

I don’t see how asking or getting extra support/extensions etc are making your life harder? Confused what did she mean by that?

Original poster
Justrepl45 · 06/09/2019 23:41

I think she means either way I have to get it done so why am I trying to cut corners as she sees it, as either way I still have to get it done. I find it insensitive though :s

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 06/09/2019 23:46

Well you’re not cutting corners. You’re doing the opposite in fact. You’re giving yourself the time you need to do it properly and do it justice. Everybody needs a bit of support sometimes. We’re always told to ask for help if we need it. That's all you’re doing.