Is this offensive

[Justrepl45]

I have had a rocky road at university the past couple of years and have not done well in some elements of my course. Without outing myself it is a sponsored qualification and my employers have given me extra support after I disclosed that I needed it. It has been rocky and I would like to draw a line under it when done. I was speaking to my mother about it today and her response was “you spend so much time trying to beat the system that it makes your life harder in the long run”. Her comment really stung and I put the phone down. Is this unkind? I am paranoid there may be truth in it and it’s really upset and embarrassed me, it’s made me feel that that is this is an opinion that others share

Is it the " beat the system " comment that you found unkind? As if you are trying to get unfair advantage?

It doesn't sound as if that's what you've done, more that you have admitted your mental health difficulties and accessed help that you needed.

Some people won't understand that until they have experienced similar themselves.

Your mother was being insensitive to your anxiety and struggles. I see the point that she is trying to make (Don't drag it out or make it worse on yourself), but she has phrased it very poorly and been insensitive.

Is she thinking if yoh spent more time focusing on studying and just getting it done, and less time on how to get extra time and help, your life would be easier?

Only you know if that is true or if you really had no other options. The fact you say there may be an element of truth in this indicates she has possibly hit a nerve.

I was very similar at university - had lots of mental health issues which resulted in extensions, extra time in exams etc. Ultimately my life would have been a lot easier and happier if I'd taken control, got some help for my anxiety, sorted out my sleep patterns, dumped my useless boyfriend and just done the damn work to deadline rather than running around panicking and begging for extensions. So I suspect your mum might be right. Hard to see it at the time though.

Appreciate all the points. As mentioned in the op I didn’t want to out myself but essentially this has all been in the workplace rather than than university and I’m worried it is impacting my professional reputation. I have a good reputation for actual work and work really, really hard in a notoriously difficult industry with hard deadlines. However I am completing a professional qualification alongside this, for which I have been offered, and sought, support. I am almost there now. Ironically I was actually fine at university... I am embarrassed that all this has happened in such an open way at work and that my legacy is resitting exams and taking longer to do them! I am hoping that when this is over (soon!) people will forget and focus on the quality of my work. It has just been a really hard slog

Well just focus on getting finished. Then when you’re taking on something new, think about whether it’s realistic within the time frame, or whether it could be too much for just at that moment. If there’s stuff going on in you’re personal life, don’t feel bad about turning down extra work to allow yourself to deal with it. And maybe don’t tell your mum when you’ve asked for extra support as she’s seems to object to it.

I’d be tempted to ask her if she’d prefer you to fail the course then? It’s an odd mindset, I wouldn’t think badly if a colleague who had additional tutoring to pass an exam.
My employer pays for coaching / revision sessions with a professional ahead of exams for us, Maybe she’d consider that the same?

To be honest, I suspect that your mum has a rather old fashioned attitude towards mental health issues and thinks you are using it as an excuse or ‘playing that card’ as opposed to asking for the support you need so you can succeed rather than fail. I would continue with your plan and perhaps once you have done the course think about strategies you could try in the future to stop you from getting overwhelmed in similar situations.