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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday embarrassment - AIBU?

69 replies

SewingMum46 · 02/09/2019 19:58

Briefly - three months ago my brother forgot my Dad's birthday, then asked my two dds (who were turning 19 and 21) what they'd like for their birthdays - and then didn't send them anything, all in the space of a week. I've got a 'big' birthday coming up, and he wants to know what I'd like. What I'd really like is for him to acknowledge and send presents to my df and dds. Otherwise I'd feel awful if he bought me anything at all. AIBU? How do I tell him???

OP posts:

BlackCatSleeping · 03/09/2019 04:57

We're not big on birthday presents for adults in my family. We send them for kids only. Adults get a text or card.

I would just leave it. He probably won't get you anything. If so, just send him a text for his birthday and phase out the gift giving.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 03/09/2019 07:53

How depressing to see pps saying it's a "man thing". That's really infantilising. I sort presents/birthday wishes for my side of the family, my partner sorts his. He manages perfectly well because he's an adult. These men who forget presumably hold down jobs etc but having a penis somehow prevents them from managing birthdays? If you believe that you're a fool.

OP please don't blame his wife (a woman) for his (a man's) failings.

I'd just say lets do birthday wishes on the phone on the day. My siblings and I don't buy presents for each other. We all live so far from each other that when we are finally together we make a big thing of it. Much nicer than things we don't need!

Brefugee · 03/09/2019 07:59

I think it is a man trait - I pick all of my birthday presents in my family because my husband and son are useless at picking any kind of gift.

No. It. Isn't.

It's a myth perpetrated by lazy gits and their enablers.

OP just say something like: hey, how about we stop with the present giving now we're all older, it's just an extra stress & expense.

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 08:13

Just say "oh I'm not bothered, surprise me" then stop expecting gifts if you know what he's like.

My brothers useless. He doesn't acknowledge my parents birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. I didn't get a card when baby was born, nothing.
My dad got upset one year because my brother recognised DM's birthday but not his (they're divorced) but other than that, we all know not to expect anything...

GreenTulips · 03/09/2019 08:25

Why not say, how about a joint meal for DD and DF and myself?

That way he can buy his wife a meal as well and all being together is better than any gift.

DoomsdayCult · 03/09/2019 08:35

“He does have a stressful job, and he does sometimes get laid low with depression”

Depression is really debilitating. Very few people understand this. I would not make him feel any worse about missing birthdays. I would reassure him it’s ok to miss a Birthday now and then and you are happy he does remember when he is well. A little empathy goes a long way.

mummmy2017 · 03/09/2019 09:00

So what did his wife get them?
What did she get you?
As she seems willing to accept .

Original poster

SewingMum46 · 03/09/2019 09:23

OK so to clarify - dds weren't put out at all, didn't "expect" anything, were asked by him what they'd like, said they really didn't need or want anything, he then said "its fine to ask for cash if you're saving up for something". They both needed a new laptop for uni so said that would be helpful, but nothing arrived. Neither of them complained, it was only when I asked if he'd remembered (by then having found out he'd forgotten about df) that they told me.

So I do find the comments that imply they are spoilt or entitled a bit unkind, as that just isn't the case.

I do understand peoples POV about gifts - we agreed a couple of years ago that we'd skip Xmas gifts for the grown ups and only give to the dc. However we agreed to keep birthday presents. They are small and significant - my dps give us some cash for things we need, we give vouchers for something they need/want. Then no one ends up with "stuff" or "tat" they don't want.

It's totally not about the gift, it's about asking someone what they'd like more than once, then not following through.

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 03/09/2019 09:38

I think it is a man trait - I pick all of my birthday presents in my family because my husband and son are useless at picking any kind of gift.

Sexist tripe.

My husband remembers all birthdays, and puts time and effort into doing things for them.

I'm crap. In my defence, my parents aren't big fuss people on birthdays, so I've always got them one gift for Mothers/Fathers day and their birthdays (which coincidentally are both within a week of their actual birthdays).

I'm much more of a Christmas person - I get great, thoughtful and detailed presents - vastly aided and abetted by the fact that they all come at the same time.

thecatsthecats · 03/09/2019 09:41

@SewingMum46 - see, as I've just said, I find it much easier to do Christmas gifts than birthdays. There's only one deadline, and you have the whole year to be ready for it, rather than a series of mini hurdles that could coincide with any sort of regular life difficulty.

I'd recommend switching to a meal out for birthdays with a nice card, and exchange presents at Christmas.

Original poster

SewingMum46 · 03/09/2019 10:10

Unfortunately meals/days out don't work - we live miles from each other and our weekends are seldom free at the same time apart from Christmas.

We had the moratorium on grown up birthday presents because it was getting way too expensive for all of us at that time of year. It was a mutual agreement to give us all a breather (and take a lot of the stress off db at what tends to be a very tough time of year for him).

Oh gosh and now I'm accused of not thinking about real world issues...

All this because I feel awkward about reminding db he didn't follow through on what he said he'd do!

OP posts:

poorbuthappy · 03/09/2019 10:13

I would expect something if the person had specifically asked me what i wanted!
That's weird and I would be sitting him down and asking him if he was alright since he's now down the same thing 3 times.

Original poster

SewingMum46 · 03/09/2019 10:16

Oh I meant grown up Christmas presents not birthday!

Poorbuthappy that's exactly the issue. I wouldn't expect anything but he's asked - more than once - acknowledged what would they'd like, then done nothing.

OP posts:

lau888 · 03/09/2019 10:28

It's your brother; I'm sure he won't mind if you raise the topic with him.

Why not ask him outright if he'd like you to remind him about your children's birthdays? If he would, you can remind him to send them some cash (no need to spend time shopping). Bank transfers are very convenient. You could also tell him it's okay to skip the "adults" ie you. It seems obvious he's quite disorganised about birthdays at the moment, for whatever reasons. He might really appreciate either some help with memory prodding or being told it's completely fine to stop doing gifts (temporarily or indefinitely). And, if he does want a prod, I mean you should prod until he actually fulfils his intentions. Or, if he doesn't want to be prodded, some explicit reassurance that it's okay to stop doing gifts might be very stress-relieving for him. x

EarringsandLipstick · 03/09/2019 10:53

I voted YABU - not that you BU about saying something about the presents but that it is causing you this much awkwardness.

It's your brother. I'd be fine with no presents too, but if he asks, then doesn't give, I'd have no problem saying, 'what happened to the presents you were getting Dad, Mary and Ann?', not in an arsey way, just directly asking.

From your later posts, it sounds like there are reasons he's forgotten, so just ask him again, I wouldn't be a bit embarrassed but I wouldn't make a thing or be cross about it.

And I don't think your DDs sound entitled or spoiled at all! They didn't do anything other than answer his question.

NaviSprite · 03/09/2019 15:51

I’ve always been the sibling who is crap at remembering birthdays. I have four on my Mum’s side and and three on my Dad’s side (granted I don’t see my Dad’s side that regularly).

We had an agreement that we just don’t buy gifts for each other after we had all turned 21 unless it’s for a significant birthday (though I still told them not to bother for my 30th because I am also crap at deciding on something I want outside of practical things - DH got me gardening Equipment for my 30th and my Mum got me a decent tool kit 😂).

If you haven’t already - might it be worth saying something like “don’t worry about it DB - just a card or call on the day.” When my siblings said that to me it relieved me of so much self-imposed pressure and stress.

NearlyGranny · 03/09/2019 15:54

Just tell him what you'd like and forget all about it - he will!

gilliansgardenbench · 03/09/2019 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dljlr · 03/09/2019 20:08

Don't extend blame to his wife, it's sexist and unfair. My ex 'forgot' (couldn't be bothered) with all his family birthdays and they all blamed me. He's a fucking grown up and I had enough life admin being married to such a man child.

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