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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday embarrassment - AIBU?

69 replies

SewingMum46 · 02/09/2019 19:58

Briefly - three months ago my brother forgot my Dad's birthday, then asked my two dds (who were turning 19 and 21) what they'd like for their birthdays - and then didn't send them anything, all in the space of a week. I've got a 'big' birthday coming up, and he wants to know what I'd like. What I'd really like is for him to acknowledge and send presents to my df and dds. Otherwise I'd feel awful if he bought me anything at all. AIBU? How do I tell him???

OP posts:

TheRLodger · 02/09/2019 21:11

Sounds like my uncle ... it’s become a running joke. My birthday is near Christmas and more often than not I’ve got a birthday acknowledgement with the Chris card

Melroses · 02/09/2019 21:15

I would say that since he obviously struggles with presents, why doesn't he send the money for DDs and you will get them.

Or since they are 19 & 21, he just sends a card.

Presents are hit and miss. Perhaps he missed the date and then thought it bad form to buy it months late...………..

Some people struggle with presents and finding something that will be considered perfect for that person and end up with nothing, and some will give you something formulaic every year at the right time, but it will be useless tat and ends up in the charity shop.

My MIL used to struggle with the concept of wasting money on something that someone might not really want, and used to ask me what I wanted then give me the money to buy it which I thought but in the end gave me some money every year which in the end turned out to be a nice treat to have something to spend just on myself.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 02/09/2019 21:15

Ask him to buy you 6 tubes of Anesol and an eggwhisk, just so that he has to go through the embarrassment of buying them!

ReTooth · 02/09/2019 21:57

So much angst over adult birthdays, especially over someone with a stressful job and depression.
Just say let’s not bother exchanging gifts

I agree with this reply. I’d suggest dropping presents for everyone and not worrying about it.

If in future you want him to acknowledge your Dads birthday then just remind him on the day. That’s what I do with my siblings.

Dogwalks2 · 02/09/2019 22:01

Omg, are you really stressing over presents as adults.

So much more going on in the world.
Sort your self out and focus on real world issues.

Witchend · 02/09/2019 22:11

Is it a regular thing or a one off?

If it's the first time pretty much he's forgotten in 5 years, then I'd assume he had something big at that time. I'd give the suggestion with a "you forgot dd1 & dd2" (your df's old enough to do his own, that's not your battle)

If it's regular, then I'd just ask him if he wants to do presents, and say you're happy to agree on just cards or token presents for adults.

TheRLodger · 02/09/2019 22:32

Sounds like my uncle ... it’s become a running joke. My birthday is near Christmas and more often than not I’ve got a birthday acknowledgement with the Chris card

LL83 · 02/09/2019 22:38

Tell him what you would like, or ask for a surprise. Very unlikely he will get it. If you do get a gift enjoy it, your dc's are not going to grudge you a gift because they didnt get one.

'He has the intention then doesn't follow through. That's what uncle is like. He loves you but is not organised' if dont realise this already.

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2019 22:43

Just reply, "let's not exchange presents anymore."

TartanCurtains1 · 02/09/2019 22:44

As others have said, just suggest you all don't worry about presents any more. Sounds like he's got enough on his plate and it's one less thing for you to do too.

expat101 · 02/09/2019 22:55

My SIL did this to me a couple of times, remembered DD's and DH's birthdays, but not mine. Then she would go to great lengths to explain that she tried to send flowers but the florist doesn't deliver here etc etc.

Sometimes I think this sort of conversation is just for show.

Zoeyclash · 02/09/2019 22:56

Your dds are old enough to understand that not everyone in their lives/family are going to give them a present for their birthday. They sound really spoilt and childish for being even mildly put out that their uncle didn't buy them a birthday present for their 19th and 21st birthdays.

Bringonspring · 02/09/2019 23:02

I’m with ragworth! Just stop exchanging presents!

quaaludesonchristmaseve · 02/09/2019 23:04

He could have just transferred them so money....surely a 21 yo and a 19yo would prefer cash to buy themselves something. Transferring cash doesn't take much effort. Men are shite at remembering birthdays. My MIL for years sent H a calendar with all his family's birthdays on and he still forgets. He has just forgot his DNephews 18th and when he messaged his sis to apologise and let her know he had transferred him money, she made a point of asking if he'd not got the calendar this year. When he replied he had, but not looked at it (shite excuse, I know) she asked him why I hadn't looked and told him!!

zurigirl · 02/09/2019 23:05

I agree with Ragwort and Dogwalks2

Skittlesandbeer · 02/09/2019 23:59

If the culture in your family makes presents this important, enough for you to really feel the sting months later, then why not try this.

Drop the passive-aggressive comments and be honest and helpful. Ask if he’d like to take you, your dad and your dd’s out for a meal to celebrate all birthdays en masse this year?

I always think a good gift is one that ticks any 2 out of these three boxes: the giver has employed effort, expense and/or imagination. Any 2, or 3 for a really special gift.

If your DB is swamped with work, then time is precious to him. His time would be a great gift.

BingBongBay · 03/09/2019 00:12

I think that you're a very lucky person if this actually takes up any of your headspace. It could be, "Hello MN. I'm worried about my brother, who has a history of depression and a very stressful job. He's asked me what I want on my birthday, AIBU to think I'm an adult and don't care about birthdays and that I want him to be free of the stress of constant giving of gifts."

mediumbrownmug · 03/09/2019 00:20

It’s your brother, can’t you just be blunt? If it were my sibling, I’d laugh and point out he never sent gifts anyway.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2019 00:21

Why don’t you say “Hey DBro, I’ve been thinking about birthdays what with mine coming up and I wondered how you’d feel about changing the tradition- instead of gifts we could all do a big day out somewhere or an experience? I know Dad would like that and the DDs are adults now too so we could all find something fun that wasn’t just stuff - and then we wouldn’t need to get gifts for exact birthdays, and post them etc. We could just do cards instead. What do you think?”

gilliansgardenbench · 03/09/2019 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tolerable · 03/09/2019 01:31

its the thought that counts.??... either.answer his question...or tell him your issue.or you'll stew.and he wont realise

TheClaws · 03/09/2019 03:53

It sounds like he’s got a bit much else going on in his life to have to worry about this kind of stuff too - perhaps ease off on him a little. Don’t worry about about it.

nestisflown · 03/09/2019 03:58

I'd tell him not to worry about it that you know he has a lot on and you don't expect presents anymore. Say a call on the day would be nice. At least that's what I'd say.

Aprillygirl · 03/09/2019 04:03

God this would really annoy me. If someone doesn't want to give a present fair enough, but why bother with the pretence? If he asks again just say lightly "Oh I didn't bother having a think because we all know what your like don't we? (tinkly laugh) It's fine though, perhaps we're all getting too old for presents anyway."

Jesaminecollins · 03/09/2019 04:23

I think it is a man trait - I pick all of my birthday presents in my family because my husband and son are useless at picking any kind of gift.

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