DS doesn't want dad to know his GCSE results.

[Tinkerbellone]

Been separated from abusive ExH for 10 years.
He sees children weekly.
Eldest DS has not done well in GCSE's.
He also has ASD.

DS doesn't want his dad to know the results.
Dad and I are NC and communicate via dad's partner.
Dads partner is pressuring me to tell them his results.
AIBU supporting my son or should I tell his dad? It's giving me anxiety and I have that horrible churning feeling.

If you're no contact I'd leave it down to DS to tell him if he wants to

Don't tell him. You are under no obligation to do so.
But explain to ds that if he sees Dad weekly, he will likely come in for worse by NOT telling than just getting past it.

I think it's up to your son.

It’s your son’s score and your son’s relationship with his dad. That, to me, makes it your son’s choice. I wouldn’t get involved.

I would take the line that it is DS’s news to share or not as he sees fit.

It’s up to your son, they’re his results. The fact he’s worried about telling his dad speaks for itself, I’d leave him to make that choice

Yanbu, your ds has a right of privacy.

I would ask Ds to tell his Dad. If he's done badly, does that mean a change in his plans for 16+? I think Dad is not unreasonable to want to know his GCSE results and what his plans are for whatever his next step is.

Yep, it's your son's business and it's up to him who else knows about them.

YANBU - I'd tell DExH new partner to shove off, as others have said, it's your Son's business

He's done brilliantly to finish school no matter what his results say and I hope he has fun on his next adventure whatever that is

It is your son's information so you have no right to share it without his permission. He is well past the age where his capacity to make this decision could be questioned.

Please respect his wishes.

I’d leave it up to your son to tell them his results if and when he wants to. If you keep getting hassle from the girlfriend I’d go NC with her too. You and your son don’t need this.

I think respect your son. I haven't told anyone dds results unless she's said I can. Some people I can tell everything, others just that she's done very well.

"Don't tell him. You are under no obligation to do so.
But explain to ds that if he sees Dad weekly, he will likely come in for worse by NOT telling than just getting past it."

So what, her son gives in to bullying ?!

Is she a reasonable woman? I think you should tell her your ds will tell him when he’s ready. This is his news to share and ask her to respect his privacy.

Maybe talk to your ds about how he is going to deal with it when he sees his father.

Why does he not want his dad to know? Just trying to understand if he is scared? You should not tell them. It is your son's news to tell.

Don’t say anything. It is not yours to share.
If your ex is putting so much pressure in you (even via his partner), I dare thinking what sort of pressure he is putting yoUr ds under.

Does your ds have to go and see his dad? Does he actually want to see him?
I wouod remind him that at 16yo, HE has a choice.

I think it is DS's choice whether or not to tell his dad, not yours.

I would though worry about the pressure he may come under when he visits his dad's to reveal his results. DS needs to know that he doesn't have to say anything.

Do you have any younger children who know the results, and may tell their dad if asked?

Does DS have any firm plans for next year, that he may prefer to share instead?

I understand what a PP is saying, if your son is going to continue to see his father, they will keep asking him and eventually will demand to know. Would he prefer it if you told his father's partner? You communicate via her, do you have a reasonable relationship? Could you explain, look it's an achievement he made it through, we're focussing on that and on planning his next steps. He got XYZ, please can you make sure his father is reasonable about this, if he hits the roof or will only damage his relationship with his son.
Should you have to do this? No. Would I do it to save my son having to, yes.

You can understand him asking just be honest tell them he has told you not to say anything and you have to respect this
You could try and say something vague like you think he's worried they might be disapointed

Is your anxiety c.o worrying the reaction dad has? Is this whats concerning ds?Was results unexpected grades? You have to speak to ds, explain that part of being a parent is your love for that child is "unconditional". Is dad expecting top marks? (tough) his concern should be ds being disappointed and how and what next steps are. did he\could he invest time and energy into assisting son with subjects\homework\revision and or had active intrest in academic education to date. ..it might be easier on ds..if he lets you tell wife and include hes distressed about them. but you ought to have his permission first

AIBU supporting my son

Of course not. It's your job to help him protect himself from abusive people.

Thank you for your responses.

Just a few answers to questions.

I have said to the dad's partner that our son is disappointed with his results and doesn't want anyone to know- not just his dad.

His results are not going to have an effect on his post 16 options. He's still got a place for his further education. So in that respect the results are irrelevant.

I do understand that his dad wants to know but I've also got to respect my sons wishes.

I am thrilled he manage to sit the GCSE's in the first place because of his ASD and anxieties.

If he is disappointed, I would assume his father would offer support? It's not for you to tell anyone the results (I would tell anyone, unless asked otherwise) but I would say it's your job to give DS some sound advise. Confide in his father.

As others have said, it is your job to protect him. I don't believe keeping that secret from his father is protecting him. Unless of course you think he will have an adverse/abusive reaction, which I assume is unlikely since he has contact weekly.

Father's perspective; all the other dad's have found out their children's GCSE results, but he has not. I would be alarmed if he was not pestering to find out.

I will have a word with my son to try and make him realise it is also important for any parent to know the progress of his sun. I will give him couple of days and if he does not tell with his dad then I will!