To absolutely hate my mother?

[enoughisenough2019]

Sorry, this might be long but I'm terribly upset and thinking of going NC with my mother. All my life I have tolerated her and now I think I've finally had enough of her.

I'm 22. She still thinks she has a hold of me and can control my life and the choices that I make. I have a child of my own ffs.

She dislikes my partner, we've been together for 4 years now and she's always been so hostile towards him. She was the same way with my brothers long term girlfriend. She's very cold and standoffish - it comes across as rude. We don't know why she is like this, but it has made relationships very difficult.

Anyway, my DP had had enough and said he wanted nothing more to do with her. I really don't blame him. She's insufferable and I'm sick of making excuses for the way she is all the time.

Now she is angry at me because he has turned around and said this. I've been stuck in the middle. We are moving house and she wants us to live nearer to her. Obviously I have said no, we are old enough to choose where we want to live and to be quite honest I don't want to live anywhere near her, neither does my partner.

We have found a lovely house that happens to be near my MILs. MIL is absolutely lovely and we have a close relationship and she's great with our DC. My mum has interpreted this totally wrong and has told me that I've given in to DP by moving closer to his family.

I'm fed up now and sick of living to please her. I visited her house today and my baby DS was sleeping, she kicked off massively and started screaming, resulting in my baby crying at the noise. It's honestly broken my heart but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Please, what do I do in this situation?

Some people find it very hard to let go of the control they had over their children as kids and teens.
Screaming like that is incredibly childish- was she like that when you were a child?
Have you ever been close?
I would explain how you feel, and give the reasons and leave it at that.
If someone is playing the victim you are never going to get through to them no matter what you say or do, so you’re best of doing what makes you happy in the long run..

I’m so sorry OP this is horrible, she sounds very difficult.

But you have a really good opportunity to create a lovely family life with your OH near the friendly in laws. Don’t let your mom take that from you.

Whatever you do she will find fault, so you might as well do what’s best for your immediate family.

If MN had been around when I was young, I am sure I would have had the courage and support to go NC with my mother. As it is I was her whipping boy for 70 years. This was someone who used every trick in the book, including pretending to be ill throughout her life and threatening suicide when I was 12. Her troubles were all laid at my door. I was this terrible ungrateful daughter . She lived until she was 94 just to spite me. When she died, I felt like I had been let out of prison.

My advice would be to walk away, but also to join the toxic parents thread on here. The advice and support from fellow sufferers is essential to stop you going back for more punishment.

Can anyone link me to the toxic parents thread on here? I'm at my wits end. She is very patronising and makes me feel so small when I try to talk back to her. She is making my life miserable.

For some background, no, we have never ever been close. We are like chalk and cheese.

She had an awful childhood, my grandad was abusive to her and caused all sorts of trouble. You would think that this would make her want to give me and my brother a good life, but she's caused nothing but pain and hurt.

I’m not sure why you’re asking us what to do. You don’t need anyone’s permission to move away/further from her or go non contact. It sounds like you want to. Have you thought about what’s stopping you? Do you feel guilty (why, she sounds horrible!)? Does she make you feel bad about moving away? Would you be relieved if you moved and saw her less? Do you want your child to be treated badly by her or do you want to protect him/her?

I think it’s clear that you want to see her less. Don’t feel guilty, she’s the problem, not you.

Your priorities need to be focused on your baby, your relationship with your partner and your own well-being. Your mother is nothing more than a poison in your life and you should definitely go as low contact as possible, if not no contact. Moving away from her is a very wise decision.

Stately Homes under s elation ship topic x

That sounds awful, OP. Here is the link you wanted. You will find lots of support and wise advice on there. Good luck.

But we took you to Stately Homes" August 2019 onwards thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3677536-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-August-2019-onwards-thread

Thank you everyone. The reason I posted here is because I knew there must be people who have been through a similar situation.

Going NC with my mother will be difficult. She's very manipulative and will no doubt find a way to worm her way back in as always.

Do whats right for you and your family Seems you cant win with your mom so dont try. I wouldnt cut her off but keep away for a while.
It`s about you your dp and dc no one else.
Really pleased you have a lovely MIL.
Wish you all the best with your move and future.

My mother sounds similar. Her childhood was miserable so somehow she thought it was appropriate to make mine grim also. I distanced myself a great deal from her in my late teens. You aren’t obliged to love her or have a relationship with her just because she’s your mother.

How will she worm her way back in?

Don't tell her your address, block her number and email. She won't be able to contact you. Just prime your brother to not tell her your address too. He can just say that you meet each other out.

There’s a very supportive Facebook group called Necessary Family Estrangement. It has lots of people who have gone NC or are struggling with toxic family relationships. I recommend it.

She can’t worm her way back in if you’re determined. It can be hard to go nc because of other family members, but it sounds like she’s toxic and brings nothing to your life or that of your baby.

As well as the Stately Homes thread, I’d get the book ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward.

She can only manipulate and work her way back in if you let her. Post on the thread, read the book, and start to work on putting boundaries in place. Tell her no, let her rant and rave, but ultimately you need to live your life how you want to, and if that is without her in it then go for it. Be strong.

I wouldn't go NC but I would move near to your MIL and tell your mum that because of the way she behaves, your DP doesn't want to live near her. Reference her behaviour today with the baby. I'd put that in a text rather than say it to her - it gives her more time to dwell on it.

I would actually say (in a message) "You're cutting your nose off to spite your face - you are horrible to my partner and to my brother's partner - they are decent people and can't cope with your behaviour. You need to look at your behaviour before you lose everyone."

I completely sympathise. I'm pushing forty and my mother still behaves like this. In all honesty, I didn't get to pick my own clothes or choose my own haircut until I was twenty-six. I ended up trapped in a career I hated because she belittled and ridiculed all the (perfectly normal and respectable) things I wanted to do and bullied me into making a snap decision from a list of options acceptable to her. Then she screamed at me that she was ashamed of what a "quitter" I was, when I said I was going to look for other jobs because 90+-hour working weeks were affecting my mental health (City law, if anyone's wondering). She effectively guilt-tripped me into having an elective c-section because she had a stillbirth (and God knows, I'm heartbroken for her over that - I can't imagine the pain - but there was no medical reason why I needed a c-section and yet I had surgery - followed by a nasty infection, which my mother told me was in my head - because my mother was upset about the idea of my having a vaginal birth and I've been well-trained to prioritise her emotional needs over my own wellbeing). She bullied me into ending breastfeeding early (she was sneering at me for being "weird" for still breastfeeding at six weeks and playing on my postnatal anxiety by saying that breastmilk is only for "fun" and has no nutritional value). She's used her grandchild to prevent me from moving more than five minutes away from her, because she goes on the attack and tells me I'm cruel/ selfish/ a bad mother if I even mention it.

I'm well aware that I come across as completely spineless but she always knows exactly where to attack me (e.g. by calling me a bad mother or by gaslighting me about my mental health because I had a major depressive episode at the height of the 90-hour week debacle). She'll criticise out of the blue and then, when I try to explain my position, refuse to engage and tell me I'm a horrible bully who loves to pick fights like my father. My father and my (pig of a) stepfather are both committed "flying monkeys" so I end up genuinely doubting my own sanity and ability to make decisions, and so I give in every time.

Sorry for posting all of the above on your thread, OP! I think what I'm trying to say is that I understand the hatred - it's a natural response to the feeling of powerless. And you need to do something now, whether that's walk away or lay down boundaries fast, because it doesn't get any better.

She had an awful childhood, my grandad was abusive to her and caused all sorts of trouble. You would think that this would make her want to give me and my brother a good life, but she's caused nothing but pain and hurt.

It doesn't work like that though a lot of the time. I'm not excusing her behaviour towards you for a moment but many people who have had awful upbringings often make terrible parents themselves. She may love you but possibly has no idea how to show affection for example. Have you ever sat down and really talked to her about how you feel? Would that be possible?

You have my sympathy because my mother (who was very dominant but not manipulative) could never admit doing anything wrong and she would never apologise in a million years. I could never really talk to her on an adult to adult basis except very latterly as she found it very hard to cede control. It's really difficult. The trouble is, cutting yourself off from your mother is really difficult too.

Thank you everyone for replying. I wasn't sure what I wanted from posting but it felt good to rant. When I left her house, she begged me to stay and was apologising profusely.

It's a shame it's too late now.

@Notagreatstart1234 Sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to endure that for so long

Ok
You wouldn't take this behaviour from anyone else.

Just because she gave birth to you makes no odds.

She had until you were 18 to get it right.

She failed.

Embrace your dp/ mil / dc.

Fancy ranting and raving like a spoil BRAT. Making so much noise with her tantrum that she woke your precious baby up.

Go no contact immediately.
Do it for your baby.
The hills are that way.

That poor pp - 70 years

You can do this x

My mum is a manipulative asshole, has been all my life and I’ve never been good enough. Her behaviour made me suicidal.
Cut her off 4 years ago, she’s made me look like the bad one to my family and they no longer speak to me but you know what? I dont care and I’ve never been happier! Just because she gave birth to me, doesn’t mean she’s good enough to have the title of “mum”

@Snowpatrolling
Well done you!
A good example of female strength.