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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child access

39 replies

Mrbeecee · 02/09/2019 04:03

My ex partner has stopped all access to my son our relationship has been awful for a long time we split up and she moved out only to find out she was pregnant and since then I have had nothing but constant threats about seeing my son we ended up trying again but living separate but every time we argued it was the same story you’ll have nothing to do with my son. Fast forward 12 months she’s been to court to get a order on me to not contact her and the court have granted it now I’m stuck as what to do next there is another date set for access but that’s 5 weeks away and she’s saying she wants me to have supervised access when I have a 4yo daughter that’s been living with my for 3 days a week since me and her mom split 3 years ago can she just say that and lie and will court side with her ?

OP posts:

What2do4thebest · 02/09/2019 05:56

You need to get your post moved to legal

HennyPennyHorror · 02/09/2019 06:00

Courts don't just stop Fathers having access for no reason. Was there some violence?

Runninginthewild · 02/09/2019 10:50

Agree with HennyPennyHorror. I would take the supervised access. The more you do to show that you are interested, the more you can prove in court. Play ball and atleast then you can say you have done everything you can do.

Ohmygod123 · 02/09/2019 14:21

Don't contact the mum or any of her family or friends. Do everything by the book, get legal advise and go to supervised visitations if its offered. My FIL had the same issue with his ex, she made up a string of lies to stop him seeing their child but with no evidence or proof he was granted visitation and eventually was allowed to see her every other week! He spent thousands on court fees and it dragged out for about 4 years but at the end of it all he got to see his child. It's really wicked the lengths some mothers go to to stop fathers seeing their children for no reason at all. Good luck

Raphael34 · 02/09/2019 14:50

They’re going to presumably need a good reason with evidence why you’d need to be supervised. She needs to prove you’re a potential danger to your child. Bearing in mind the child doesn’t even know you, you may have to have someone accompany the child at first, I’m not sure how it works with young toddlers starting contact with someone they don’t know. Presumably you’d meet them with the mother first, but obviously this isn’t going to happen with the order against you. The fact that you already have a child is unlikely to be taken into consideration, bizarrely the courts seem to go by individual circumstances. A good friend of mine has just been taken to court by her abusive ex and he’s been granted immediate overnight access for their children, despite just being taken to court by his previous ex wife and was banned from ever contacting her and their own children for the rest of their lives as he is such a danger?? I think you need to focus more on the fact that you are going to see your child again, mo matter where that may be. If she does manage to persuade them that you need to be supervised, it will only be on a temporary basis anyway. As soon as they realise it isn’t needed then they’ll award unsupervised contact. You’re going in the right direction at least

Original poster

Mrbeecee · 02/09/2019 23:33

As I said my sons 6 months old next week I was with his mom for the first month every day she stopped me seeing him when I called a end to the relationship I didn’t see him for 6 weeks until I went to hers and she let me in we talked and I quickly understood that If we wasn’t together I wouldn’t see my son until it went through court so I went along with the relationship this lasted 4 weeks until we had a argument and Same again she told me I couldn’t see my son a week later we started talking again and she allowed me to come see him twice a week for 2 hrs as I did until the weekend my daughters mom was going away and I had my daughter for a long weekend Thursday till Monday and my sons mom didn’t like that so the day before she started another argument and tells me I won’t be seeing him again same old story on the Tuesday the evening I see my son she texts me saying they are going away for the week and I won’t see him so obviously I’m not best pleased I told her I will still be coming round to see it she’s lying so I arrive and she is in so I spend half hour with my son and she’s sitting there telling me to make the most of my time with him today as I won’t be seeing him again until court say otherwise so I took my son to my house for the night police was called my his mom they done a welfare check and everything was ok finally after 3 and a half months my daughter spent the day with her brother something she had been asking for every week since she had not been allowed after I called his mom and said she could pick him up she did and then I was hand delivered a letter about court with less then 24hrs notice her statements were ludicrous saying I was abusive had hit her yet she had never called the police or told anyone just a load of lies. Fabricated to get the order granted

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 03/09/2019 06:04

You removed a baby from it's Mother and took them to your home without permission? There's your answer.

SD1978 · 03/09/2019 06:10

You took your son- whether she is doing the same by withholding him, you took it to the next level by removing him from the house. That's why she got the order, that's why it now has to go through court.

WhyBirdStop · 03/09/2019 08:51

Hmmm, I work in this field, orders aren't granted without evidence. Is it a non molestation order or a restraining order?

WhyBirdStop · 03/09/2019 08:52

Actually if you're on the birth certificate, the order wouldn't be imposed for taking the child to your home. She could apply for a prohibitive steps order to prevent you doing it again without agreement.

CheshireChat · 03/09/2019 11:00

So she told you she isn't in, you ignored that and turned up anyway. She lets you come in (more fool her!) and you end up leaving with your very young son- how the heck did you even manage that? Did you take him by force or did you sneak him out?!

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 03/09/2019 11:21

You went and checked up on her to see if she was lying after she told you she wouldn’t be there and then you took a baby under 6 months old for an impromptu overnight visit without consent?

I wouldn’t trust you either.

Original poster

Mrbeecee · 03/09/2019 15:33

This must just be women on this post ur forgetting the why I took my son because I’m sick of staying up at night crying because I haven’t seen my son yet u think me taking him is so bad just because she’s the mother a crap one that has plenty of men around her kids

OP posts:

Grumpos · 03/09/2019 15:40

The thing is the law isn’t always fair, it isn’t perfect. Sometimes people can manipulate or lie in the short term but eventually the truth comes out and the right type of access can be sorted.
It’s really really upsetting to not see your child and I understand the frustration but you mustn’t go there uninvited and you mustn’t remove your child from her care without permission.
You need to go through the proper channels, that starts with a solicitor, it may be that you can resolve this through mediation rather than court but you must follow the correct process.

Even though it’s hard and frustrating and upsetting, try to channel your energy into creating a stable and solid environment so that when you are at mediation/ court they can clearly see you are a stable and reliable parent who is willing to do what is necessary for their child.
The courts DO NOT side with anyone other than the child. They see this day in day out and a liar / manipulator will soon be caught out when they are unable to present any evidence.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/09/2019 15:41

Hell of a drip feed there

IhaveALooBrush · 03/09/2019 15:46

This must just be women on this post

I really hope that's not your attitude to women in general. If it is, you've definitely chosen the wrong place to play poor me.

AngelsSins · 03/09/2019 16:53

You took a what, 3 month(?) old baby away from his mother for the night? Have you lost your tiny mind? This isn’t about what you want, or how you feel. A baby NEEDS its mother. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings, but it’s nature, babys need their mother, just look at pretty much any mammal and how close the babies are to their mothers for the first few months or more.

Whilst I understand your upset, you need to go to court and get proper access. Stop bad mouthing the mother of your child, stop putting your feelings above what the baby needs, recognise that some of your actions may have led to this situation and move forward. Be the father your kids deserve.

Original poster

Mrbeecee · 03/09/2019 18:47

The thing is I have stressed to my ex I don’t want to take my son away from her overnight all I want is days with him until he’s old enough my parents and close family have hardly seen him for the past 4 months due to his mom not allowing them to see him ( why is that fair ) all I want is my parents and my daughter to be able to get a bond with my son why is that so hard for her to understand I’m a good dad and I want to best for my children she just Seems to want to have control of everything as she did in the relationship again why should she just be allowed to say who can and can’t see him she’s only half of his parents it just seems dads get neglected and a mother can say and do as they want she’s happy enough to take my £240 a month but won’t let me see him truth is if I was still with her I would see him but because I don’t want her she stops me seeing him.

OP posts:

spongemumnudiepants · 03/09/2019 18:50

So basically you kidnapped your son- that's your reason why she only wants supervised access.

MsPavlichenko · 03/09/2019 18:51

Your baby is only four months and needs it's mum most of the time. You took him away without consent, and were possibly violent given the order. No wonder she wants only supervised access.

MsPavlichenko · 03/09/2019 18:52

Six months now.

Original poster

Mrbeecee · 03/09/2019 18:52

No she’s also said a lot of lies saying I was abusive I neglected my daughter and him obviously she’s got no proof of any of this as it’s all lies

OP posts:

kitk · 03/09/2019 18:59

Sorry, but I know a little about this and you can't get a non mol without evidence. And while you might have made the comment above about women in frustration, it's quite a telling one and shows how you can speak to people. You also can't take a baby that age away from its mum overnight. Yes, you should get overnight access but that needs building up to and I think you know that. If you're serious about seeing your child co-operate, play by the rules and go via court. If your ex is controlling and playing games they will see through her

MsPavlichenko · 03/09/2019 19:01

Also she is not taking money. You are supporting your DC. And she can have as many men or women in her life as she wants. Nothing to do with you.

Duchessgummybuns · 03/09/2019 19:02

My partner’s ex tried to stop him seeing his son falsely claiming domestic violence, it didn’t work and the court saw right through it. You’re not managing to make a very good case for yourself on this forum so god knows how you managed in court. I would go to the SeparatedDads.co.uk website you will find lots of legal help on there. If you really did take the baby without permission you shot yourself in the foot big time; no amount of being up crying at night excuses it I’m afraid.

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