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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for soon to be ex husbands new girlfriend not to be at my daughters birthday party?

46 replies

allhalekale · 01/09/2019 21:37

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so I am asking the hive mind for opinions!

Here’s the situation. My husband and I separated a year ago (nearly).

We have a nearly 2 year old dd together. I left him when dd was 11 months because I found out he was trying to cheat on me with his best friends wife (she wouldn’t shag him in the end but not for his lack of trying). He was regularly using cocaine and mdma and drinking heavily and basically just coming home to sleep off hangovers. The last straw was when he went on a lads holiday and his friends sent me a picture of him kissing a girl in a bar. The only reason he didn’t sleep with her is he was sick on her! Grim.

I moved 3 hours from where we were living to be near my family. He moved to London.

Anyway we’re a year on. We’ve been muddling along ok. He pays maintenance and comes to see DD. He doesn’t have a set day to do this but I’m ok so far with a loose schedule if he tells me he wants to see her I pretty much always say yes unless I’m busy. I haven’t been happy for him to have dd on his own overnight yet. Reasons are drugs and general unreliability. She didn’t really know him the first 11 months either it would be like sending her off with a stranger.

We agreed we’d build up to him having her overnight alone. He’s done overnights at my house I let him have my house and go and sleep at my parents which is 2 mins away. I know that’s a bit weird but it works and I know she’s safe in her own bed. Every two months or so we go and stay for a few days at his mums back near where we used to live. I’ve always gone along so far and stayed (awkward but worth it so dd knows I’m there and is safe).

He’s started seeing someone about a month or two ago they seem very smitten with each other. We’re due to do our next visit to his mums in October and they’re having a birthday party for her there. He says he wants his girlfriend there. I’m actually fine that he has a new relationship we did break up a year ago, however I feel it’s too early for her to be at my daughters party.

Aibu to ask him not to bring her?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 01/09/2019 21:41

She doesn't need to be there. It's a family birthday party and she's a new girlfriend. Christ sake, he barely rates being there, for all the involvement he has.

YANBU.

Singlenotsingle · 01/09/2019 21:42

You're not being unreasonable, but maybe you could ask him not to actually introduce her. If she just happens to be there in the background, DD probably wouldn't even notice her. There'll be too many exciting things going on - games, friends, cake we tc

Windydaysuponus · 01/09/2019 21:43

Imo having her see the set up /relationship with him and him with dd will give you a better idea of how things stand to be for your dd in the futureif he stays with her... If she isn't happy with him having you around also or isn't a dc friendly person you will get a picture...
Trying to tell him how to run his new relationship will backfire imo..
I got on with my exes gf and that pissed him off more but he couldn't say anything! Was much better for ds's too...

zzzzzzzz12345 · 01/09/2019 21:44

Gosh, tricky one. It’s very early days for the relationship though so a bit weird that he wants her to come. I don’t think yabu to ask politely that she doesn’t come.

Fair play to your approach though, you are a great mum making sure he can see his child but in a way which doesn’t risk distressing her.

Worgust · 01/09/2019 21:44

What are your reasons for not wanting her there?

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 01/09/2019 21:46

I think it’s more about the delivery of the message rather than the content.

Of course she shouldn’t be there, going by his lack of self control and judgement! I’d be worried about who I was allowing to be introduced to my child. Usually 6 months is the time to start introducing children to new partners, if that helps.

Congrats btw on how much effort you do make for your DD to see her paternal family. That can’t be easy

Original poster
allhalekale · 01/09/2019 21:47

Thank you for the replies!
I’ll have to speak to him about it. There is part of me that wonders if I should stop going along on the trips to his mums. She adores dd and I know she’d keep her safe. Thing is she ends up in someone’s bed most nights. I don’t mind if it’s her dad but I don’t like the idea of her being in bed with him and new girlfriend. I don’t trust him not to just do it and lie. Meh.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 01/09/2019 21:51

Your did is too young to understand who the gf is, so her being there won't make a difference to dd. I think I'd prefer to see her there just to suss her out myself. If your ex continues to see her then chances are he'll have her around when dd is with him. At least this way you get to meet her too and get a sense of what she's like.

Hecateh · 01/09/2019 21:52

You're not being unreasonable, but maybe you could ask him not to actually introduce her. If she just happens to be there in the background, DD probably wouldn't even notice her.

This - because if they stay together your daughter will eventually spend time with her and that should be easier for you if you have an idea who she is. (Or a reasoned argument against if necessary)

Livelovebehappy · 01/09/2019 21:55

Nope. Definitely say you do not want her there. Fgs, I’ve got food in my fridge older than their relationship. He really shouldn’t be thinking of introducing them so soon, it’s madness.

june2007 · 01/09/2019 22:07

I don't think you should dictate who he is allowed to see and when any more then he can to you.

TriciaH87 · 01/09/2019 22:18

Tell him until his clean off the drugs and in a long term relationship he does not introduce dd to anyone new. When the relationship has lasted x amount of time you will re-evaluate the situation but not before. His time with dd now should be focused solely on her not trying to introduce someone who once they realise what his like will disappear anyway.

Derbee · 01/09/2019 22:44

I can imagine this is hard for you. But I’m afraid I think YAB a bit U. As the party is at his mums house, I think he can bring his girlfriend.

As PP have said, it’s nicer for you to see see how she is around your DD etc.

I would hate it in your position, but I would accept that he has a right to bring a girlfriend to his mums house.

HiJenny35 · 01/09/2019 22:49

This is someone who could end up being around your child a lot. I'd want her there, see what she's like and how she interacts. You might get on and it could make the situation with not trusting ex a lot easier knowing she is trustworthy.

OwlBeThere · 01/09/2019 22:53

She’s 2, she isn’t going to be arsed about this woman being there, I don’t see the harm in her being there tbh. I think YABU

HennyPennyHorror · 01/09/2019 23:13

Let her go....better to stay on the "right side" of them both so you can keep an eye out. You will want to see that this girlfriend is a decent person. Given your ex's background I'd be nervous the girlfriend might be a drug user.

sailorcherries · 01/09/2019 23:18

I understand your reservations but if it is his family throwing the party then they are entitled to invite who they want.

31RueCambon75001 · 01/09/2019 23:23

I'd swerve the issue and say ''thanks but we have plans'' and /or say ''she's too young for a birthday party''. She won't know that it was her birthday. 2 is too young to understand. Maybe by three feelings will have settled all around.

Bouledeneige · 01/09/2019 23:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My DC are 19 and 17 - for their birthdays we always go out for a special meal or event - DC, me and XH and relevant DC's GF or BF. Never occurred to me that with such a small event that their Dad's girlfriend would come! they've been together for 2 years? Not sure. I guess she will come to their weddings but I dont quite see how she'd turn up for these meals.

dontcallmeduck · 01/09/2019 23:35

It does seem soon but as it is his Mums house I’m not sure what you can do. It doesn’t sound like he has enough time with her for it to affect your DC if it doesn’t work out but equally it would set a precedent for any future relationships.

Sunflowers211 · 01/09/2019 23:39

YABU, he is having the party and can invite who he wants!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/09/2019 23:43

I think she is too new to be introduced. I don’t think it would hurt for her to be present at a family party. I would welcome the opportunity to meet her.

Dieu · 01/09/2019 23:45

YANBU. ThanksWine And he's a bloody idiot. A woman/mother would get fucking roasted on here (and rightly so) for introducing a man to her kids so early on. Why should it be any different for your ex?

HeddaGarbled · 01/09/2019 23:45

As the party is at his mum’s, I think he/she can invite whoever they want.

I think you should stop going to his mum’s with him and organise your own party for your daughter where you live, with your family.

Dieu · 01/09/2019 23:49

This is all about impressing the new girlfriend. Any man who had his child's interests at heart would save the introductions for later.