To ask for soon to be ex husbands new girlfriend not to be at my daughters birthday party?

[allhalekale]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so I am asking the hive mind for opinions!

Here’s the situation. My husband and I separated a year ago (nearly).

We have a nearly 2 year old dd together. I left him when dd was 11 months because I found out he was trying to cheat on me with his best friends wife (she wouldn’t shag him in the end but not for his lack of trying). He was regularly using cocaine and mdma and drinking heavily and basically just coming home to sleep off hangovers. The last straw was when he went on a lads holiday and his friends sent me a picture of him kissing a girl in a bar. The only reason he didn’t sleep with her is he was sick on her! Grim.

I moved 3 hours from where we were living to be near my family. He moved to London.

Anyway we’re a year on. We’ve been muddling along ok. He pays maintenance and comes to see DD. He doesn’t have a set day to do this but I’m ok so far with a loose schedule if he tells me he wants to see her I pretty much always say yes unless I’m busy. I haven’t been happy for him to have dd on his own overnight yet. Reasons are drugs and general unreliability. She didn’t really know him the first 11 months either it would be like sending her off with a stranger.

We agreed we’d build up to him having her overnight alone. He’s done overnights at my house I let him have my house and go and sleep at my parents which is 2 mins away. I know that’s a bit weird but it works and I know she’s safe in her own bed. Every two months or so we go and stay for a few days at his mums back near where we used to live. I’ve always gone along so far and stayed (awkward but worth it so dd knows I’m there and is safe).

He’s started seeing someone about a month or two ago they seem very smitten with each other. We’re due to do our next visit to his mums in October and they’re having a birthday party for her there. He says he wants his girlfriend there. I’m actually fine that he has a new relationship we did break up a year ago, however I feel it’s too early for her to be at my daughters party.

Aibu to ask him not to bring her?

I can understand why you might be upset, but he’s her father just as much as you are her mother, and although you can ask you don’t have any right to tell him who he can or cannot introduce his own daughter to. If anything, I’d encourage it. At least it would either help to put your mind at rest (if she was a nice, kind, person) or help you decide what to do in the future (if her demeanour was a cause for concern). At least this way you get to suss them out early rather than two years down the line when their position will possibly be much more secure, and at least you are identified as your DD’s mum at the outset. Take control of the situation. Be present at the party, talk to the new girlfriend, and see how you feel then.

Hey everyone
Replies are really appreciated. Mostly a mixed bag which I kind of expected as I’m not sure myself.

It is partly I will admit because I’ll find it really hard and it just feels really soon. It’s not just the party it’s that I imagine she’ll be staying over as well. It’s just awkward central. He always does bedtimes while we’re there (a safe way for him to play daddy). and I sleep in the annex (his moms house is massive). Like I said before I hate the idea of my dd in a bed with them both.

Maybe I can say I’ll have her at night and stay nearby and just let them have her in the day. I could just skip the party altogether,

We are having a little party for her at my parents as well so this isn’t THE party. I’m partly going because our anti natal group (which are all based where we used to live) are also having a joint birthday for our little ones the next day.

Thanks for all the replies everyone again and if you’re still reading thanks for letting me muse this out.

Perhaps keep out of the fray and have your own party for her someplace else, with her friends, and ex mom in law can invite the other family friends etc.

It would be easier.

Plus, it is such a pity that the new gf doesn't have enough class to know where not to tread. After all, they are not engaged or married.

Well done for making as much effort as you do.
It’s a tricky one.Im not sure how I would feel about this.He should not have to put you in this situation but as his involved with his daughter and wants to show her off in his mothers house at the party they have organised.
You cant enforce his choice of guest.
You can tell him your not pleased about it but can’t insist.

This is all about impressing this gf. You can’t go against his wishes as it is his mums house. You need to be careful. If this woman is a bitch you will quickly see yourself shut out for any perceived slight.

Do you have any proof of the drugs?

I think now he has a girlfriend, it's maybe a good time to rethink visitation. How would you feel if he brought his GF to come and stay at your house? Not good, I suspect.

I think, if I were you, I'd go along to the party and meet her. She is potentially an important person in your daughter's life.

He does have rights to see his daughter. You can't control every aspect of this. I know it's hard, but I think you both need to talk about how to manage things in the future.

I wouldn't invite her until she is a permanent fixture - he might dump her next week and why bother introducing her to your child if she is going to be an ex very soon - pointless imho

If it was your mums or a party organised at yours then I’d agree that it’s too early and you could say no.
As it’s his mums and his contact time I don’t think you really can. I do think it’s a bit early to introduce a girlfriend which you could say but it may just cause tension if he does it anyway.
Do you normally go with him to his mums? I would reduce that now as I think it’ll get confusing for your DD.

If she goes then I think I’d skip it altogether. It’s not her only birthday party and staying in the same house would be very weird.

I would tell him not to bring her

He can live without her for 24 hours.

Remind him of the glorious make-up sex they'll have when the finally get together again after all that time .

I agree with those saying that this new gf might be around for a while so it's actually a good opportunity for you to see her (meet her might be a step too far but that's up to you).

I wouldn't try and stop her coming to the party but as your DD is so little, I think he should back off from introducing her to your DD as anything other than a friend (although she probably won't even understand that at this age).

Use it as a useful opportunity! stay over if that's normal for you but keep DD in with you so that there is no opportunity for her to be in with anyone else - unless it's desperately uncomfortable for you, in which case your idea of staying nearby with her is ok too - but still go to the party or you'll just be wondering what's going on anyway. You would be VERY unreasonable to prevent your DD from going to the party at all when it's being thrown for her, so don't do that! Just go, chill, observe. You might find you even like her.

Going but insisting on doing the overnight/sleepover is a good compromise.

I was thinking that the girlfriend might be a nicer person and (eventual) better influence on your daughter than your ex husband is but then I read HennyPenny's post and that struck a chord. A non-drug user wouldn't be interested in your ex husband...

It sounds as if you have a great relationship with your MIL and she must be gutted about her son's behaviour. Would she be somebody you could speak to about your fears so that she can run interference? Or could you go to the party also and have her as an ally?

You sound so reasonable and very lovely. Your daughter is lucky to have you, really she is. Your ex is a super-twat.

The GF will just be a random person at the party , as far as your DD is concerned. Kids of 2 don't really know who anyone is so it shouldn't matter. And if she is seeing GF when she sees her father, GF won't be a stranger to her.

My suggestion would be that in future you should have a party for her at yours, and he can do one at his or his mother's. Stop sharing parties, it always ends in tears. And stop going over to his mother's place for these visits - your DD loves her grandmother so she doesn't really need for you to be there too.

Tell him until his clean off the drugs and in a long term relationship he does not introduce dd to anyone new. When the relationship has lasted x amount of time you will re-evaluate the situation but not before. His time with dd now should be focused solely on her not trying to introduce someone who once they realise what his like will disappear anyway. no. That is absolutely not the OP’s call to make.

As much as this bloke sounds like a waster the fact here is that he is the child’s father and he and the OP are no longer together and as such the OP doesn’t get to dictate who he does and doesn’t introduce his child to.

And then what? If the OP gets into a relationship does he get to dictate when she introduces the new partner? And if not, why not?

OP I would be inclined to step out of the equation for this one tbh. Given it’s a birthday party at his parents’ house I would leave them to it. As hard as this is there is going to come a time (probably soon) when you will have to relinquish your DD to him overnight, and then you will have no control over where he goes and who he introduces her to. And there’s a chance that this woman may be in it for the long hall, but either way, this is his life now.

And FWIW for those who say a minimum of six months and that a woman would be roasted on here for introducing a new partner too soon, I think that six months is actually extremely uncommon and that most people introduce new partners far sooner than that but that on the whole they just don’t talk about it on here. And truth is that a relationship of three months or whatever could just as easily last as one of three years, bearing in mind that most of the people doing the introducing have come out of long term relationships which didn’t last so time is absolutely not a guarantee of anything.

Yes, if it’s a string of men/women through someone’s life then that’s one thing. But as yet there is no way of knowing how that will go.

FWIW my DP was introduced to my DS far sooner than six months in because my ex gave me an ultimatum: either I tell DS and introduce them, or he would, so he left me no choice. He did it in the hope that DS wouldn’t be happy and that I would dump DP because of it. However they got on well which ex didn’t like and then tried to suggest I had introduced them too soon.... Seven years on we’re still together, and tbh of the people I know who are in new relationships after a split, I don’t know a single one who has waited for more than a few weeks to introduce the kids.

I think if she’s just there it would be ok, she’s not old enough to understand their relationship yet?

If it helps, I'm a family law solicitor.

The GF has already met your daughter, and she seems comfortable with her.

The party is being planned by him and is being held at his mother's house.

You don't really have a leg to stand on.

I'd just let it happen. You can't control it. It's irritating but not an awful situation. Have a good moan with your mates, it is entirely understandable to be annoyed. And then just keep an eye in the future.

This is one of the brutal realities of being a separated parent (and there are many).

He could invite a new partner into his bed every night, and your DD could be sleeping in there too, and there's nothing you can do (unless you suspect abuse)

None of us have a baby expecting to be so helpless over their circumstances. Everyone please go easy on OP, there are others of us here in the same boat

Hi guys interesting mix of responses thank you. His mom is coming to mine to visit dd tomorrow so I’ll have a chat with her about how she feels about it. We are quite close but I don’t want to start a war with the new woman and have people taking sides. That would be silly and pointless.

I’m feeling a bit better about it just having talked about it so thank you mumsnetters for reading and your advice.
Yes post separation life is messy but it’s much much better than remaining in a shit relationship. As long as I can keep dd safe and happy then I’m happy.

Btw he admitted the drug use to me himself. He was holding down a job for a while while doing coke and whatever else regularly and it really was a lot. He’s a middle class drug user if that makes sense? So not spaced out on a street corner still functioning. I think he’s probably doing less now. He seems less twitchy and manic. I don’t want dd near that world. I don’t want it to seem normal to her. I do still struggle to trust him. I don’t know if I’m being over protective but I’m just trying to do my best.

Not sure if I should carry on this thread or start a new one. As the backstory is on this thread I'll try here first!
It's all gone wrong. So ex actually gave me veto on whether she came or not which was good of him.
Since writing the post above he's moved into new gfs flat and gf has stayed at his mums and apparently they really got on.
considering what people have said on this thread and the fact they've moved in together I said it was ok for her to come as long as I could stay elsewhere. Figuring I'd meet her and she'd just be part of the general party frey as people said. He agreed booked me a hotel all fine. Stupidly I assumed this was already agreed/ fine with his mum.

Now his mum has said she doesn't want her there and they've fallen out about it. When I was talking about the hotel room I said I'd be pleased to be able to leave the party early because I do find their family parties hard work. Esp when everyone has been drinking. Anyway he told that comment to his mum!! And she's coming here for a visit on Friday (without him). I feel bad now and like I made the wrong call. I get on well with his mum but she always complains she doesn't see dd enough and it gets my back up. She comes to visit every second month for 2/3 days and we go there every second month so she sees dd regularly every month in one place or another. I usually have to take annual leave to facilitate it. I skype her with dd weekly.
I'm divorcing him I don't want to be ruled by his family and their drama anymore.
Sorry that was more of a rant than a question. If anyone read that thank you very much. Any advice / perspective appreciated!