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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour

32 replies

Whoevenaminow · 01/09/2019 19:50

Last month I asked my partner for space as we've been struggling with our relationship for a while. The last straw for me was that he went on an expensive all inclusive holiday with his father even though we've not been on holiday together for 3 years. I only found out after he booked it. The day he came back he went out with the lads for work again found out that same day. To top everything off 2 weeks later he went away for the weekend with a female work colleague and her son. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go and when I asked where they were staying got a very vague answer. The day after I left he changed the locks of the house and now won't let me in to collect any belongings even though we've been together over 20 years.
An insight into my life is that I'm a housewife due to not being able to work through ill health, I'm expected to do everything which is fine as I don't work. However it got to the stage where I had to have a cup of coffee ready when he came home. His tea had to be on the table by a certain time and he did nothing at all in the house. Nothing was ever good enough. He always put me down and never supported me financially with me having to pay my bills and food from the benefits I received even though he has a really good job. He also wouldn't tell me anything important ie how much he earned, what was left on the mortgage, debt he was in etc.
I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour as now I'm out of the situation it seems wrong and very controlling. Would people class this as abuse.

OP posts:
FloatingObject · 01/09/2019 19:54

Absolutely not normal. He sounds like a total twat. Coffee ready when he comes home?! Fuck that.

NavyBlueHue · 01/09/2019 19:56

It’s massively abusive Flowers

PuzzledObserver · 01/09/2019 19:58

Very little of that sounds normal to me, OP.

You describe yourself as a housewife, and him as your partner. Are you married? Is the house in joint names, or just his?

The tea on the table and nothing ever good enough is shouting emotional abuse to me. Not sharing financial information while sharing a home - potentially financial abuse. My hunch would be that the female work colleague he spent the weekend is not just a colleague. And if you are not married and the house is not in joint names, then he has left you high and dry. I’m sorry.

He has no right to withhold your possessions from you.

Where are you staying? Do you have have friends/family to support you?

WhatsMyPassword · 01/09/2019 20:00

I assume you are not on the house deeds either ?

As an aside, how did you get benefits if he had a well paying job? Benefits are usually awarded on joint income.

But you are right he is abusive and financially controlling.

Cambionome · 01/09/2019 20:01

Absolutely not normal!

cauliflowersqueeze · 01/09/2019 20:03

Not remotely normal.

NotSorry · 01/09/2019 20:04

OP might have benefits due to ill health or disability

when I was seriously ill I got incapacity benefit (different name now I think) and it wasn't means tested

VictoriaBun · 01/09/2019 20:07

He can't keep you out of your house, if you part own / are on rental agreement.
You have the right to gain entry, especially as you have personal property . Unless the law has changed ( I'm talking 10+ years ago ) the police told me I could lawfully break in to get in , calling them if I was still being denied entry or if it had become dangerous for me to be there.

Notthetoothfairy · 01/09/2019 20:08

No but that’s why marriage is important, especially if you’re going to be a “housewife” (it gives you a legal protection so he can’t just leave you with nothing).

NoSauce · 01/09/2019 20:11

You know it’s not normal OP.

This isn’t a life. Can you think about leaving him?

Bookworm4 · 01/09/2019 20:13

he went away for the weekend with a female work colleague and her son.
What??

Ginger1982 · 01/09/2019 20:16

Why was he going on holiday with another woman??

Ilikethisone · 01/09/2019 20:17

It's not normal. Please tell me you are either married or have your name on the house?

Troels · 01/09/2019 20:21

My sister was locked out of her house by her twatty partner. She was also told by the police she could break in as it's her home.
she waited for him to leave for work for the day. Broke in through the back, called a locksmith changed the locks and had the back door window fixed. Packed him a bag and left it in the porch for him.
He then stiffed her through the solicitors for part of the house sale, even though she had paid all the downpayement and he paid very little towards all bills.

Bouffalant · 01/09/2019 20:26

Were you married?

Is your name on the mortgage?

Original poster
Whoevenaminow · 01/09/2019 20:47

Yes we are married, yes I have left him. No I'm not on the mortgage as he made sure everything was in his name

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 01/09/2019 20:50

Normal for 80 years ago maybe :/

Knitclubchatter · 01/09/2019 20:52

This is not normal. He showed total disregard for you. Emotionally and financially abusive.

zebrasdontwearbras · 01/09/2019 20:54

If you're married, it doesn't matter if your name is not on the deeds, OP.

You are entitled to a share of (usually half) the marital assets on divorce. If you've been together 20yrs, then you should definitely get half.

Also, he is not allowed to change the locks or deny you entry to the marital home.

Get thee to a solicitor.

Riv · 01/09/2019 20:55

If you are married then you have a claim to the marital home even if you are not on the mortgage.

PinkP65 · 01/09/2019 20:57

Heartbreaking.

Facts: He is done. Somehow, you knew and needed space to synthesize what you knew was not working. He perhaps had some time to think, too.

It looks like this; He is adjusting to the new situation quite happily, and much sooner than you anticipated, if at all. He took the invite by the horns and ran with it. He cannot keep you from your things, so you will need police to stand there while you and your friends take your things out.

He wants a new start.

Often people don't see how much has changed until they are forced to change with it. Sounds like he found peace and power in it all. My ex H did the same.

He also said, "I'm hungry. Fix me something to eat." (toad)
He had nevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver done that.

I played the ditz, and said, "Oh? What would you like?"
"I don't know. Surprise me." (and, that I most immediately did!)
"Well, what do we have in the fridge?"
"There's some hamburger and vegetables. I don't know..."

Then I said, "Hmm. Ok. So as long as you know what's in there, get up and make it. I'm busy from now on."

You will have to roll with the changes. I am sorry you are going through this.

Don't judge his actions, movements, words, or lack of caring. He will be completely abrasive. Your best bet right now is to get your affairs in line, don't apologize, but just operate as if it is already a year from now.

Do you have friends and family who can help you and support you for the time being? You are going to need it. Change all your passwords as well. You will be so glad you did.

Also, ignore him. You are as good as on your own now, and most likely even better than that.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 01/09/2019 20:58

Since you are married you are entitled to half the house. It doesn’t matter whose name is in the mortgage.
Good luck - it sounds like you are well rid.

Riv · 01/09/2019 20:58

Sorry cross post.
Yes it was abuse.
Are you ok?

Coyoacan · 01/09/2019 21:03

I'm so glad you are married, OP, even the next good news will be the divorce. Get a shit hot lawyer. He is already breaking the law by not letting you into the house.

timshelthechoice · 01/09/2019 21:08

It's abuse.

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