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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this normal behaviour

32 replies

Whoevenaminow · 01/09/2019 19:50

Last month I asked my partner for space as we've been struggling with our relationship for a while. The last straw for me was that he went on an expensive all inclusive holiday with his father even though we've not been on holiday together for 3 years. I only found out after he booked it. The day he came back he went out with the lads for work again found out that same day. To top everything off 2 weeks later he went away for the weekend with a female work colleague and her son. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go and when I asked where they were staying got a very vague answer. The day after I left he changed the locks of the house and now won't let me in to collect any belongings even though we've been together over 20 years.
An insight into my life is that I'm a housewife due to not being able to work through ill health, I'm expected to do everything which is fine as I don't work. However it got to the stage where I had to have a cup of coffee ready when he came home. His tea had to be on the table by a certain time and he did nothing at all in the house. Nothing was ever good enough. He always put me down and never supported me financially with me having to pay my bills and food from the benefits I received even though he has a really good job. He also wouldn't tell me anything important ie how much he earned, what was left on the mortgage, debt he was in etc.
I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour as now I'm out of the situation it seems wrong and very controlling. Would people class this as abuse.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 21:11

The police will accompany you to the house to collect stuff, although I think the law means you can just stay in the house. It would benefit you in a divorce to stay in the house (I think) as it is a marital asset to which you are entitled.

Please see Shelter or get a good solicitor.

Elieza · 01/09/2019 21:24

You need legal advice right away. Thank god you are married as you will be entitled to half the house or whatever the position is these days.
Speak to shelter or woman’s aid ASAP. The guy’s an idiot thinking he can just change the locks and you will go quietly away. He’s massively underestimated the law. Good luck. You deserve so much better than him. If it comes to the police getting you in so be it. Seek legal advice.

SparklyMagpie · 01/09/2019 21:25

Get onto a shit hot solicitor! As your married you're entitled

What an absolute bastard

Hidingtonothing · 01/09/2019 21:26

Are you and DC staying with family now OP? Do you have money for an initial consultation with a solicitor to get the divorce started? Some solicitors offer a free half hour but you'd have to ring round and see what's available in your area. I would imagine they will offer some sort of payment plan or possibly even agree to take their fees from your settlement at the end and they should be able to advise the best way to get your belongings back.

As for whether his behaviour was normal, my love it was the furthest from normal it's possible to be. For context, my DH works long hours, often away from home all week and huge amounts of driving. He comes home and makes his own cuppa and dinner tends to be a joint effort, often after DH has gone back out to the supermarket and shopped for it! The rest of what you describe is also abusive and completely and utterly selfish and uncaring on his part.

I am so glad you're away from him, now get what you're entitled to and build a happy new life for you and DC Flowers

lemonyellowtangerine · 01/09/2019 21:33

Yes, it's abuse and it's a crime.

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 - you can call them for advice or support. You need someone in your corner.

Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they can help you understand what's gone on and how to rebuild.

Rights of Women may also be able to help with legal advice.

AnnonniMoose · 01/09/2019 22:08

Who the hell is the 1% that says it's not abuse?

Yes OP, it is abuse, and I'm glad you're away from the arsehole.

sugar88 · 01/09/2019 23:24

I was just wondering if this is normal behaviour

Absolutely not OP! Don't even doubt yourself for one second. Well done you for getting yourself the hell out of there!!

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