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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to stop at one child in this situation?

26 replies

Desperatelyseekingsleep12 · 01/09/2019 17:22

My husband and I are incredibly lucky to have a beautiful 16-month old daughter. She was conceived after 4 years and 5 IVF attempts, followed by an extremely anxious pregnancy and a diagnosis of tokophobia (intense fear of childbirth) on my part. After her birth, I struggled with anxiety, mainly caused by the fact that I felt like I should be enjoying every moment as I have waited for this for so long, but in reality, parenthood was stressful, scary and relentless. I feel much, much, better now and am loving spending time with my daughter- she is charming, sleeps so much better and I love my life. However, family members are asking when we will try for another (we have three frozen embryos of average quality which we could transfer) and I feel a huge pressure to have another. My husband is unsure at the moment, but I think he is leaning towards trying for another. The thought of going through IVF again, followed by an anxious pregnancy, my tokophobia and the first couple of years with a newborn and a toddler is terrifying to me. I just don’t want to do it and want to leave the last 5 years behind and enjoy the life that I am now loving. Am I selfish in thinking this way? Should I get over myself and at least try to give my daughter a sibling? Will she miss out in not having one? Should I do it for my husband if he ultimately decides that he wants to try again? I just feel so confused with it all! Any thoughts either way would be gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:

jgjgjgjgjg · 01/09/2019 17:34

It's completely your call of course. Many people find parenthood the second time around much easier and experience far less anxiety, but everyone is different.

Have you thought about seeking treatment and therapy for your homophobia and anxiety? Both are very treatable.

RandomMess · 01/09/2019 17:36

Plenty of people are "one and done" and that is a perfectly valid choice! You have a healthy child why risk upsetting the apple cart and putting yourself through IVF etc all over again?

I think a harder choice is what to do with your embryos? Can you and DH agree with what to do with about them?

KindergartenKop · 01/09/2019 17:39

Don't do it. You are a person in your own right and you don't have to put your mental health on the line for your husband and child.

Teddybear45 · 01/09/2019 17:40

Ivf isn’t like other methods of ttc. There is always a ‘what if’ moment and if you destroy potentially viable embryos you may regret it when you’re older especially if, like you, the reason for not going ahead is out of fear than a logical / reasoned decision.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/09/2019 17:42

Some children get on really well with siblings and some dont. You have absolutely no guarantees here.

The stress of IVF I guess could affect your existing child as could a difficult pregnancy.

I guess you could try and address the phobia? Other than that most of the factors are outside your control so it is a gamble and only you and your husband can decide whether its worth it to have another baby when you take into account potential effect on you, on you as a couple, and on your child.

But dont listen to what anyone else says, they're not the ones who will be looking after you if you had PND or looking after your child if you had a difficult pregnancy. It's no one elses business

SomebodysPerson · 01/09/2019 17:45

I'm with you OP - no IVF but we adopted, DS has been with us for nearly 2 years and people are asking about giving him a younger sibling, but I just dont want to. I was the same with anxiety (definitely heightened as you say for feeling that after everything you've been through you should love every minute).

Luckily my DH feels the same as I do, and our parents definitely support us and think we have made the right choice. It's just everyone else!

mynameiscalypso · 01/09/2019 17:55

I can relate to a lot of what you've said albeit we are only 16 days into parenthood. We were TTC for three years, had unsuccessful IVF (before a miracle conception) and have a fair number of frozen embryos which I always thought we'd use. As it is, I can't imagine doing it again. I found IVF traumatic, hated being pregnant and even though I had exactly the birth I wanted (elective c section, easy recovery), I still found it very very hard and don't think I can do it again. We've just paid the storage fees for our frozen embryos for another year because I don't know what we're going to do with them yet but I am pretty sure we will stop now. On a purely practical level, I think our lives will be a lot easier with just one child too. Another would mean having to move, expense of childcare etc etc.

MinnieMountain · 01/09/2019 18:04

I dislike the whole "must have a sibling" attitude. For every person who is close to theirs, there is another who isn't.
DS is an only by our choice. He's happy, we do lots of things with him and we make sure he sees his friends.
Given what you've been through, I'd say you're completely in the right to want to stop and enjoy your DD.

dottiedodah · 01/09/2019 18:07

I think this is your call here TBH .IVF is gruelling physically and mentally .You are quite sensible to wait and enjoy your LO ,without the stresses of TTC ! Just say to everyone that you are enjoying your baby, and have no plans to add to your family ATM!.No ones business but yours!

Nicecupofcoco · 01/09/2019 18:13

I think if your feeling that way then I think it's a no for the time being.
I had alot of anxiety around my first pregnancy and real fear of birth, I then unfortunately went on to have a traumatic birth so that made us decide one and done!
I have since changed my mind and am seeking help with my anxiety, have reviewed my last birth with a senior midwife at the hospital and we are now ttc baby two, but only because we wanted a baby, not because we felt pressured by others.
It sounds to me that your enjoying your life as it is for now and are feeling pressured from others, people will always ask, I've had alot of people asking before we decided to try again. If you feel that way just try and ignore the comments and enjoy your lovely little one as a family of three. You may change your minds in the future, you may not, but if you do it should be your decision as a couple.

Deelish75 · 01/09/2019 18:14

Never say never!! DS (my oldest) was nearly 4 before I started to think about having a second. I found out I was pregnant with her around DS’s 5th birthday. I had a pretty horrendous early pregnancy with DD, I spent half the time feeling nauseous and the other half struggling to get my head off my pillow, I was so glad DS was in school. The tokophobia, could you get counselling for that?

Livebythecoast · 01/09/2019 18:17

I agree with minniemountain
We have an only child (DD15). She's sociable, lots of friends and never thinks she missed out. She's at an age now where some of her friends have to stay in and babysit they're younger siblings whereas she's free to go out more. There's no sibling rivalry/arguments etc either! Win-win!.
You have to do what feels right not what is expected of you.
Enjoy your DD x

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 18:17

I’m really annoyed on your behalf just reading this. You’ve gone through years of hell, failed ivf after failed ivf, and finally have your child who is still a baby. Enjoy these next few years just watching your baby grow up. I can’t believe your relatives have even brought it up, especially when your lo is still so young. You know just having the one is perfectly fine? Don’t ruin these next few years which will pass in a blink of a eye trying to chase what you already have. Tell your relatives you wanted one perfect baby, and that’s what you’ve got. Don’t even consider going through this again until YOU want to

pinksparkleunicorns · 01/09/2019 18:17

YANBU, conception methods DH

pinksparkleunicorns · 01/09/2019 18:18

Sorry conception method should not determine how many DC you 'should' have

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2019 18:18

I never understand the dilemma. Do women genuinely have more babies than they want to because family members ask when they're having another?

I loathed every aspect of pregnancy, childbirth, early years care etc. Of course I wouldn't do it again. It wouldn't enter my mind to get anyone's approval on this.

Whatnameisgood · 01/09/2019 18:22

Even without the stressful back story I would absolutely not have been ready for another child within 2 years (which yours could be if you started now). Everyone feels differently but I am so glad I left 3 years between my 2 children as I really enjoyed 2years + and loved having that time one on one with my eldest before baby 2 came along. You might in due course decide you want to try for another but you might not. Give yourself a breather and really enjoy this time with your daughter. Maybe say to your DH you don’t want to talk or think about it now but you’d be willing to have another conversation when DD is 2 years old. Maybe you’ll feel the same as you do now, maybe you won’t, but do give yourself a break for the time being to enjoy this lovely patch

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 18:30

My dd would have made a great older sibling. She loves younger children. But it wasn’t to be. I had ivf 3 times and an awful pregnancy and was left with chronic pain.

I became very ill when dd was a preschooler and I have never been in a position to have another child. It was hard to accept. The embryos were then after 5 years - that was the protocol for the clinic we used and we didn’t want them saved.

Dd often asked for a sibling when she was younger. She did learn to accept it wouldn’t happen and no longer mentions the desire, which I know is still there. She’s 11. I gave her as many experiences as I could with other children before going to school and our house is pretty much always open for other kids in the holidays etc.

You don’t need to give your child a sibling. Some children would hate to have a sibling. Some wish they were only children.

You do however need to do what is best for you but always with an eye to your child’s needs. Siblings won’t necessarily get along. I am nc with mine as he is violent and emotionally abusive toward me.

Mxyzptlk · 01/09/2019 18:31

Have you told DH how you are feeling about this?
He shouldn't be coming to a preference for having another child or not, without being aware of your feelings.

I'd say don't introduce stress to the wonderful life you have now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 18:32

To add to my post my mother told anyone who’d listen I was selfish for having only one child. Id left it too late apparently. Several years of waiting, no child then almost 2 of ivf obviously didn’t count as ttc.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/09/2019 18:52

Family members always ask you if you're having another one. As do friends, colleagues, random people in the park and well-intentioned mumsnetters on the only child forum. If you had two it would be the same. Of course, if you had three then you'd be contributing to global warming to an unacceptable level, how dare you be so selfish.

What I'm saying is, everyone has an opinion on how many children is the right number and they are not shy of sharing those opinions.

You have to find a way to shake them off and decide what you want to do.

If you have a tiny inkling that you may not be done, then why not think about some counselling for the tokophobia, etc? You don't have to decide now, you can wait until things feel a bit more settled.

Or you can just be one and done. I was, and we are all very happy.

helpmum2003 · 01/09/2019 18:59

I don't think you need to decide now unless your age dictates that. I had a normal conception etc and was not ready to try again when 1st DC was 16m. Just enjoy your DD for now.

Ragwort · 01/09/2019 19:22

No, don’t have another one after what you have been through.

We have an ‘only’ by choice (& I have to say no one ever asked if we were having another, probably because I was 43 when I had him ).

It is a perfectly reasonable choice to just have one child, there is absolutely no guarantee that siblings will get on. We love being able to focus on one child, give him opportunities that we might not be able to do with more than one child, he has developed into a confident, sociable young man who is now off to Uni. We have no regrets at all about having an ‘only’.

Emmapeeler · 01/09/2019 19:30

Lots of people I know have an only by choice.

I couldn’t have even thought about another when my DD was 16 months and I had a straightforward time compared to you. I wouldn’t rule it out but don’t feel pressured when/if you aren’t ready. You may find you never are and that’s fine but for now just enjoy living your life after your five years of stress

OctopusNow · 01/09/2019 20:14

I'd love another one but I don't think I could cope with going through the ivf process all over again while trying to look after a toddler.

I did ICSI and it was very painful and quite debilitating. It also involved a lot of travel to hospital and time in appointments that I couldn't do with a small child (you can't exactly take kids to the ivf clinic!).

I'm coming to terms with just the one and trying to focus on how lucky I am to have one.

It's very hard though.

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