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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this division of costs is fair

27 replies

Asta19 · 01/09/2019 14:35

Although my DC are adults, I usually cover a lot of the costs if I go away with either of them. Partly because they earn a fair bit less than me, and also I couldn't afford to take them away much as kids due to being a single parent, low wage etc. I'm happy to do that.

There's an event next year that myself and DD have been to once before. We talked about going next year and a friend of hers coming along (I've met her friend a few times and she's lovely so no issue there).

However, due to the popularity of the event, the cheapest accommodation I've found is £1700 for the week. So I've said to DD that if we are going, I will pay £700 but her and her friend will need to pay £500 each. I'm prepared to pay a bit more as it's a 2 bed place and it's likely I'll get a room alone and they'll share (apparently I snore!). Her friend does work but again not highly paid, however they do have several months to save up between now and the event. Does this sound fair?

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 01/09/2019 14:40

If you're getting your own room and the others are sharing you should pay a fair bit more. I'd say £800 would be on the lower side of fair.

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 14:43

The thing is it's likely I will spend more once we're there. I will probably end up buying a fair amount of the food etc. It's an apartment and we will be looking at eating there a lot of the time. I would rather charge them a tad more for the apartment rather than have to say to them "ok you owe me x amount for food". But I am open to suggestions!

OP posts:
easyandy101 · 01/09/2019 14:45

Totally fair

ItsAHardKn0ckLife1 · 01/09/2019 14:50

I think that seems fair OP

BlingLoving · 01/09/2019 14:55

I'd say each room would be half the fee. So you should be paying 850 and they should pay 850 between them.

However, I take your point re food etc. IN which case, say that. So, "DD, to make it easier, I suggest I pay a bit less upfront but I'll cover food at the apartment." or similar.

Basically, you're resentful because you pay more traditionally but a lot of children are used to their parents paying and so until you actively break the cycle, it tends to just carry on. You need to spell out what you're willing to pay and what your'e not.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/09/2019 14:57

If you are better off and have habitually ‘subbed’ your DD I think paying half and letting them divide the other half between them would be a nice gesture. But what you have suggested is not unfair.

OldGranvilleHouse · 01/09/2019 15:02

Exactly what @BlingLoving said.

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:03

I'm not resentful now, but I don't want to become resentful! lol. My DS just naturally started contributing more, I never needed to say anything, but I am having to do so with my DD!

We haven't actually discussed who's sleeping where, I just think my DD is more likely to want to stay in with her friend, a) as she doesn't snore! and b) they will probably want to chat.

But I do think it's a good idea for me to mention the food etc now. Although I wouldn't agree that I should be paying half the total cost, given it is a whole apartment and we will all be using the communal areas. Obviously if it was 2 hotel rooms that would be different.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 01/09/2019 15:10

I think that I would offer the you paying £850 and the other two £425 each as a fair proportion of the bedrooms. This is a bargain for them as they will be presumably sharing the other amenities of the apartment equally. I would then suggest an equal kitty for the food and drink. Maybe £100 per person with any left over being shared out equally at the end of the stay. That way your daughter and friend have had the extra support you usually provide up front and there is no expectation of you doing more once you are all there.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/09/2019 15:10

Yeah was going to say you should be paying a bit more but it makes more sense to do it your way with the food etc

Unreasonable123 · 01/09/2019 15:13

It should be £850 a room.

So you pay £850 and they pay £425 each.

I wouldn’t be happy if I was the friend sharing and paying more for it. Unless your also willing to cover her food and stuff also?

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:18

Unless your also willing to cover her food and stuff also

Well yes, I was planning to. It wouldn't feel right going to the supermarket and then saying to her friend "ok you owe me x amount for food" and my DD not paying anything. But I'm not in a financial position myself to cover a large part of the apartment costs AND all the food and extras.

OP posts:
RollingRedHills · 01/09/2019 15:25

I think you're assuming a lot here - you don't know that your DD's friend is going to want you to buy her food at the supermarket, you might not even get stuff she wants or she may want to eat out, choose her own, pay her own way.

A better way is for you to pay £850 if you want a room to yourself, they split the cost of the other room and you all share food costs when there if it works out that way. Tell your DD that's your plan beforehand and it will be fine.

Unreasonable123 · 01/09/2019 15:26

But you might not buy the stuff she wants?

I would pay the 850 and then split costs 3 ways.

Ragwort · 01/09/2019 15:29

I think your suggestion sounds fair but you need to be absolutely up front with your DD and make it clear who is paying for what etc. Many of my friends with adult children are quite resentful of the fact that the DC still expect 'free' holidays with their parents but rarely make more than a token gesture towards the costs. And some of the parents are 'scared' of saying anything as they really enjoy their children's company on holiday and don't want to alienate them.

Are you sure you are happy for your DD to being a friend, won't it change the dynamics of your holiday?

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:29

Well we'd all be going to the supermarket and cooking together? As I say, I have spent time with her before. I'm not saying for every single meal, but a fair amount of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:31

Tbh it's not a "holiday" in the traditional sense. Don't want to be too outing but the event will take up the majority of the week.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 01/09/2019 15:36

Sounds fair.

You could pay £850 and they pay £425 each., ie split by room. But if you would have actually been happy to share with Dd but she wants to bring friend then equal split 3 ways is also fair as its not fair to penalise you just because they are happy to share. So £566.67 each may be equally reasonable. Youre suggestion is a good compromise. As for paying for food they are adulrs and should contribute. One person gets supermarket shop next person buys the coffee nect person pays the meal, then coffee person gets something else to make it fair. Etc.

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:38

its not fair to penalise you just because they are happy to share

That's a fair point. It would just be me and DD sharing something if friend wasn't coming but I had to find accommodation for 3 because she is.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 01/09/2019 15:38

However, due to the popularity of the event, the cheapest accommodation I've found is £1700 for the week. So I've said to DD that if we are going, I will pay £700 but her and her friend will need to pay £500 each.

What has she said to this? Does she think you are being unreasonable?

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 15:49

She looked a little, I don't know, shocked is too strong a word, at first. But then I found out after she'd texted her friend that she thought I needed the money right now. When I explained the payment isn't due until just before we go she looked a lot happier! I didn't think to specify at the time as we've been away a lot and never paid until we got there, but there was an initial misunderstanding about when it needed to be paid.

Zen's point has made me think though. I mean it wouldn't really be right of me to say "ok DD you have to share with me so we pay £850 between us and your friend will have to pay £850" so why should it be the case the other way round?

OP posts:
BritWifeinUSA · 01/09/2019 15:53

Why would you be buying all the food? If they were at home instead of going to the event they’d be buying their own food. They’d still have to eat whether they went with you or stayed at home.

Original poster
Asta19 · 01/09/2019 16:53

I think with the food, I don't really mind paying for the supermarket shop. Seems easier than trying to divide it up in a fair way.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 01/09/2019 17:02

The think you should get together with both of them before you book anything and talk about the money. What you don’t want is to book it and then one of them can’t get the money.

Hahaha88 · 01/09/2019 17:12

I would have thought you split it three ways as three separate people, so you offering to pay more than a third is generous.