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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

just got back from lunch with friend

50 replies

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:14

DH and I had plans to go out with ds this afternoon but hadn't made any firm arrangements about what time I'd be back. Get in and dh asks, where have you been? I thought you'd be back an hour ago. DS has been waiting to go out.

AIBU to feel upset? This was the only time I have met a friend this summer or done anything for me.

DS has been out and done what he wants to do most days. DS is 11.

I just feel totally overlooked, like I;m the least important memebr of teh dfamily.

Am I BU? I might be overreacting as dh and I have been arguing a bit recently about how little he does around the house compared to me.

It was also his birthday a few weeks ago and he told me afterwards that it didn't feel like his birthday because we didn't do what he wanted to do all day, and I'm still upset about that tbh. (We did the activity he wanted to do all day and had party tea, did cake, sang happy birthday. Kids did lovely pressies for him. I think he's being a big baby.)

AIBU?

OP posts:
Babs20 · 01/09/2019 14:19

I don't know how to vote. I understand how both of you feel. Just sounds like a miscommunication. It's best to say how long you'll be and text if you're going to be late. If you have something on its only fair so the other person isn't waiting about.

Waiting1987 · 01/09/2019 14:20

It sounds like this is more about other issues. I understand why he is annoyed if you had plans for the 'afternoon' and only arrive home at 2ish.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 01/09/2019 14:22

he sounds horrible.
poor you.

Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:22

I didn't really want to be constrained by a time. DS was at a club all morning so I thought he'd be fine with some quiet time and lunch when he got home. And he was fine - playing on his bike.

It was h who was the problem. He's apologised for upsetting me but I'm just upset and cross with him anyway, and this has made me feel worse than it usually would.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 01/09/2019 14:24

Does he think of you as the primary person responsible for childcare? So he’s free to go out when he wants but when you go out you’re abandoning your responsibilities.

Loopytiles · 01/09/2019 14:25

H was U over his birthday.

And also to get DS ready etc when you hadn’t agreed a leaving time. But it would have been better to agree a leaving time, unless it is a very short outing.

Loopytiles · 01/09/2019 14:25

Also, YWBU not to do some things for yourself over the summer.

Sirzy · 01/09/2019 14:27

You may not have wanted to be constrained by time but then you shouldn’t have made plans for the afternoon. Or you should have said “I will be back in plenty of time for us to go out around 3”

It is annoying having to wait for someone because of “miscommunication”

Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:29

I know, @Loopytiles. We've been away then then at family/family staying here so I have been happy to have some chill-out time by myself, tbh. But yes, I should prioritise myself more.

We should just have agreed a time, I know.

But... would it really have killed him to say to ds, 'not sure what time we'll go out today, depends what time Mum gets back'?

Gah, I hate arguing in front of ds as well. Fuck it.

No, @RhiWrites - we both take equal days off work in summer with the dc and he's very good about taking them places and doing what they want to do/doing things with them.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 01/09/2019 14:29

It was only quarter past two when you posted.

Surely there is still time to do what you had planned?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 01/09/2019 14:29

Did he know you were going out for lunch? If I was going to meet a friend in the morning I'd text my husband if I decided to stay for lunch. If he knew you were having lunch out then he is being annoyed for the sake of it, you never know how long it's going to take to get served etc
His birthday thing- what did he want to do that he didn't get to do?

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2019 14:29

I think if you had plans it would be polite to say roughly what time you'd be home and then if you weren't going to make it, text to say you'd be late.

I think this is just generally a polite thing to do. If I made arrangements with my family or my husband had, we would both do this.

Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:30

Surely there is still time to do what you had planned?

Yep, plenty of time, @FrogFairy, but I've told dh to go out with ds and leave me alone for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:31

Yes, he knew what time I was meeting friend, where, and what we'd planned. It did take loonger to get served than I'd thought but still.

Dunno what he really wanted to do for his bday. He didn't say. It just 'didn't feel like his bday' Hmm

OP posts:
northernknickers · 01/09/2019 14:32

I think the clue is in the phrase 'went out for lunch'. Surely he would deduce from that, that you'd be eating lunch, at lunch time...and then be home AFTER the lunchtime lunch! Your DH is being a twat 🤷‍♀️ Not a chance in hell I'd be putting up with this kind of nonsense!!

dollydaydream114 · 01/09/2019 14:32

You should both have discussed what time you’d be back so you could have planned for the afternoon.

Regarding the birthday business, what was it that he wanted to do differently? You say he did the activity he wanted to do all day, he says he didn’t - so which is it? Does he mean that he wanted to do something else as well as the activity? Or was the activity actually not really what he wanted, but you assumed it was and didn’t ask him?

Loopytiles · 01/09/2019 14:34

He could also have texted you.

It does sound like he could be looking to express annoyance with you / complain.

NoSauce · 01/09/2019 14:34

Communication is everything. You should have said that you didn’t know when you’d be back and that you phone on your way home. That way he wouldn’t have been sat waiting.

GiveMeHope103 · 01/09/2019 14:35

Yabu, you were the one that went out so you should have given some indication as to when you would be back. The rest is irrelevant because it's just a lack of consideration on your part regarding this. You had plans to go out with your ds, did you just expect them to hang around wondering when you will be back.

BlackCatSleeping · 01/09/2019 14:39

OP posted this at 2.14pm. That really isn’t late to get back from lunch with a friend at all. He sounds miserable, OP. You have a right to a life too.

KUGA · 01/09/2019 14:50

You`re being taken for granted sadly.
Put your foot down and tell them that you too have a life.

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 14:52

Do you have a phone op? Why couldn’t he call you?

SunshineCake · 01/09/2019 15:01

Seems like another pathetic man who's trying to throw his weight around.

Troels · 01/09/2019 15:02

Wow your Dh is being a big baby over his birthday, he had cake and a day of activity. Remond him he's an adult now, not an 8 year old, adult birthdays don't count unless it's a big one.
Let him know phones work both ways, if he wanted to know what time you were setting off home he could text you or call you.

Bigpizzalover · 01/09/2019 15:11

He’s been unfair about his birthday.

I think I’d be annoyed about today though. If you had plans to go out, I would want a rough time to work with and not just sit around waiting for you to get back. Also, dependent on what you are wanting to do, most places round here shut early on a Sunday so it doesn’t really leave much time to do anything. If I knew the restaurant was taking longer than normal, out of courtesy I would have sent DH a text to say I’d be later than I thought and give them the option of waiting or taking DS out without me and I could meet them
When I was done.