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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

just got back from lunch with friend

50 replies

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 14:14

DH and I had plans to go out with ds this afternoon but hadn't made any firm arrangements about what time I'd be back. Get in and dh asks, where have you been? I thought you'd be back an hour ago. DS has been waiting to go out.

AIBU to feel upset? This was the only time I have met a friend this summer or done anything for me.

DS has been out and done what he wants to do most days. DS is 11.

I just feel totally overlooked, like I;m the least important memebr of teh dfamily.

Am I BU? I might be overreacting as dh and I have been arguing a bit recently about how little he does around the house compared to me.

It was also his birthday a few weeks ago and he told me afterwards that it didn't feel like his birthday because we didn't do what he wanted to do all day, and I'm still upset about that tbh. (We did the activity he wanted to do all day and had party tea, did cake, sang happy birthday. Kids did lovely pressies for him. I think he's being a big baby.)

AIBU?

OP posts:

TamarindCove · 01/09/2019 15:19

If you met a friend for lunch then I think it would be unreasonable to expect you home anytime before 2pm.

He could easily have said to your son (who doesn't sound bothered anyway), "we'll go out when your Mum gets home".

If my husband was going out, I wouldn't expect him to give me a specific time he'd be home either. I'd probably just make my own plans and he could fit in with them if he was back in time.

Limt · 01/09/2019 15:40

What time did he expect you back from lunch? Surely not before 2.

midsomermurderess · 01/09/2019 15:41

You both need to work on communicating better. Getting all get up and running to Mumsnet might not be the most constructive way to go.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/09/2019 15:42

There’s obviously more underlying issues, but in this instance YWBU. You had plans for this afternoon but “didn’t want to be constrained by time” and now you’ve sent them out without you while you huff. What a waste of a day.

diddl · 01/09/2019 15:43

If you didn't want to be tied down to a time, perhaps would have been better to cancel the afternoon thing or tell him to go without you.

That said, you were back not long after 2 so he's being bloody ridiculous imo.

What time did you meet?

You can't have had long with your friend.

Does he often cause an argument over nothing?

BlackCatSleeping · 01/09/2019 15:57

I'm curious what the afternoon thing was. If it was something like visiting the in-laws or going to a movie, setting a time would have been better. If it was just something like, we'll go to the park when I get back. He's being utterly ridiculous.

Carthage · 01/09/2019 16:04

What time do people have lunch for goodness sake? If you're back at 2 that's the time I'd expect you to get in and leaves plenty of time to go out in the afternoon. Sounds like he's being a grumpy arse. And why is the onus on the OP to set a time? If it was more important to the DH, he should have said, I really want to be out by x time.

Same with his birthday. V passive aggressive to not say what you want to do and then complain about it not happening. People aren't mind readers. YANBU OP.

TheKarateKitty · 01/09/2019 16:12

I agree it would be good to know a gist of the time one would be back when there are plans. A quick text or call just to let him know would have been okay polite. I myself would want to know, but then I make firm plans as my schedule doesn’t allow anything else.

However, unless you were gone a large stretch of time beyond what a casual lunch usually runs, your other plans were firm, and he always says what time he will be back and is on the dot/contacts you if running behind... then he was also being unreasonable to be upset. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Seems like this is more the straw that broke the camels back though.

TheKarateKitty · 01/09/2019 16:12

Oh, and I meant to say he is being very childish about his birthday.

SavingSpaces2019 · 01/09/2019 16:14

he doesn't pull his weight round the house....he creates an argument cos you went out of the house and shock horror left him with responsibility.

I think his aim is to grind you down til you give up arguing or asserting yourself with him and just do everything for the sake of a 'peaceful' life.

DarlingNikita · 01/09/2019 16:34

Sounds like he was setting you up to fail. If he wanted to go out by a certain time he should have asked you about it. I suspect that whatever time you got back, he'd have said you should have been back earlier.

I'm really confused by the birthday thing. You did the activity he wanted to do all day but then he turned round and said it didn't feel like his birthday because you didn't do what he wanted to do all day?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 01/09/2019 16:38

He just doesn't want you to go out and will use ds as an excuse to make you feel guilty and awkward when you want to do something for yourself.

SummerHouse · 01/09/2019 16:43

Holy moley. You were back at 2 ish. Did he really expect you back at 1pm from lunch! Selfish, spoilt, a-hole. I would be going out a lot more and being very clear on how late I would be.

SoyDora · 01/09/2019 16:53

To those on the thread who thinks the OP was unreasonable today... surely you wouldn’t expect anyone who was going out for lunch with a friend to be back before 2pm? Unless you were eating lunch at 11?!
OP I get where you’re coming from. When DD1 was about 5 months old I booked to have my hair cut. It was the first time I’d been out on my own without my BF baby. I’d been gone 45 mins when he text saying ‘when will you be home?’ It was such an inconsequential text but it really upset me. The one time I’d taken some time for myself and I felt like I was being hassled for taking too long. 6 years on I still get a bit wound up by it .

Your DH sounds like a massive man child re his birthday. DH’s birthday is Christmas Eve... he spends it amusing overexcited children, wrapping last minute presents and at a kids carol service.

ChiaraRimini · 01/09/2019 17:12

Your DH IBU and I suspect this is the thin end of the wedge especially as this is the first time you have been out on your own all summer. He sounds like a miserable sod about his bday.

Original poster

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 17:12

Thanks, all. I know this was a simple thing and we could have avoided an argument by communicating. We need to chat and clear the air.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2019 17:22

What did he organise for your last birthday? And why is he incapable of taking out the dc on his own? If I’m going for lunch with friends, my dh knows just to get on and do his own thing. It sounds like he is expecting you to be the pivot around which the family moves. Does he normally delegate everything to you?

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 01/09/2019 17:31

To all those saying it's OP's fault because she should have said a time before leaving, surely her DH has a voice too and could have asked?

OP being back around 2 for a lunch out is not U and your DH needs to grow up!

StarlingsInSummer · 01/09/2019 17:47

Sounds like you’re both being a bit grumpy and unreasonable to me. Maybe you’re both just a bit fed up by this stage of the school holidays?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2019 17:53

Getting back by 2/2.30 even 3 is a normal time for lunch, surely? If you needed to do something specific perhaps 3 would have been to late. Twoish certainly wasn’t.

SoyDora · 01/09/2019 18:08

DH wouldn’t expect me back from lunch with friends any earlier than 4.

Original poster

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 18:45

Maybe you’re both just a bit fed up by this stage of the school holidays?

Good point. I certainly am!

I have said that we were both a bit U and should both have agreed on a time.

OP posts:

Blueoasis · 01/09/2019 18:52

Why couldn't he take his own son out? Why does it fall to you only?

Original poster

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 01/09/2019 19:03

He could, @Blueoasis, as I say above. But today we had arranged to all go out together.

OP posts:

Blueoasis · 01/09/2019 19:24

Ah missed that somehow. He could have contacted you though I imagine to see when you were coming back. Just have a chat with him and work out a plan on how to communicate better in future.

He is a bit childish about his birthday though.

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