Child maintenance

[Funnyfarmer]

My partner and I split 4 months ago. I found out he had been using drugs, and stealing from me. He cleared out our savings and "borrowed" quite a bit from my personal savings (never paid back) He's also left me in a fair bit of dept. Since the split hes given me bits and bats, nowhere near enough to cover maintenance, let alone what he owes me.
I've just been on the csa calculation site. According to that, he should pay £49 a week in maintenance. He lives with his mum and doesn't pay any rent or anything! He has no other children and no other outgoings. Paying me £49 a week would leave him with £350 a week to himself. How is that fair?
I have 2 DC's my eldest is biologically his, but he gave me the usual guff about how, he'll take her on as his own and always look after her, no matter what.
I work 35 hours a week in shifts. I dont earn a lot little over min wage. I pay £98 a month in childcare (just for our dd) because I also work evenings and weekends I also relied on him and his mum for childcare, which they haven't been doing, so I've had to miss a fair bit of work, which obviously I cant afford.
The last few months have been really difficult, keeping my head above water with bills and his depts, school uniforms, we had to cancel our caravan holiday, I've had to sell my car. My work is about a 15 drive away, but takes 2 buses and nearly and hour plus a good 15 minute walk in total one way. School is a good 15 minute walk. I know it isn't too far, but I only have a very small window between school school run and starting work. God knows how I'm going to work this next week. He doesn't even have any travel expenses. His work, is 5 minute walk, and its 10 minute walk to come see his dd.
I've applied for UC, I'm still waiting for a response but I don't think I'll get anything tbh. Even if I did. Why should the state pay for his dd, when he is more than capable.
Why does csa not take any of this in to account? Childcare, extracurricular activities (shes had to give up swimming and gymnastics) the fact that I have another child, (it would be taken into account if he had another child), how much I earn, how much he pays out, how much I pay out surely that a fairer way. All they asked is how much he earns, does he have any other children, how often does she stay over. Is that really a fair calculation?
AMBU? am I just being a bitter ex?
I was always let to believe that the csa was ridiculously unfair on fathers.

You having another child has no bearing on what he should pay.

If he pays £200 a months, matched by your contribution (there are two parents) and then child benefit that’s approx £460 a month. Taking out childcare costs that leaves £360 for food, clothes and activities. That’s more than enough for one child.

You would have rent and bills regardless and those are your responsibility not his just as his bills are his own.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss £420 a month child benefit? Where do you get your child benefit from?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss. I know It doesn't take into account my other dd. I said that in op. But it takes into account the dfs other children. I know the way it works, I'm just wondering if people think that its unfair?

Because surely the father of the other child contributes as well hence why they don't take them into consideration

Isn't your other DD supported financially by her own father?

I think PP means he pays £200 you pay £200 (all things being equal) and get £60-80 CB and that's enough to raise one child. Personally I think he's a dickhead and if he's got no outgoings why wouldn't he wasn't too support his child as best he can, especially with seeing her and being for her while you're working. The fact he and his mother have stopped doing this and were happy to before you split, reeks of control and pettiness. You need to claim maintenance from the eldest child's father for them though, not him.

*why wouldn't he want to....

@12:32popcorndiva No he never has. Hence, my ex saying he would take care of her as she was his own. We even started making plans for him to legally adopt her.

@12:32Floopily. No sorry. I should have made that clear in my OP. Her father has never had any involvement with her, financially or otherwise. Hence, my ex making the promise to take her on as his own. As I've just said above, he wanted to legally adopt her. Hes basically the only father she has ever known

200 from him & 200 from you gives 400 per month for your child.

It does need reform, though.

@Cleopatrai at the moment though, I don't have £200 a month barely. Hes left me with so much debt, took out phone contracts in my name, bought stuff with my credit card, then sold them to me. I can't even claim fraud, because I actually have thr stuff he bought. Example he bought a new fridefreezer, and a TV with my card online. Told me he had a friend who was selling them, so I payed for them outright. I know all that has nothing to do with csa, but i do think they should take into account both of our outgoings. Because he hasn't been looking after her, in the evenings and weekends because hes on drugs, that means I haven't been able to work as much. Whereas he never has to worry about childcare, and continuing working as much as he likes including alot over time, where he receives double pay.
Because I haven't made a claim as yet, I cant even back date it.
If he had another kid though, my payments would lessen, so basically I feel like we would have to pay somewhat towards that child, because we would receive less money. Does that make sense?

As kindly as possible, why havent you made a claim yet? Get on with that as your first priority.

@funnylittlefloozieBecause his mum who he lives with is claiming benefits. I contact CSA I have to give his address. I feel bad on her.

His paying maintenance to you will have nothing to do with his mums benefits

I don't think it's enough but I think the calculator is not your problem here.
Your problems as I see them are twofold:

1. His debts. How have you ended up responsible for these? Are they in your name?

1. Your work transport situation. This isn't working and isn't going to work, so you need to address this as continuing isn't realistic.

@Musereader. Since, he pays no rent, I'm fairly sure, benefits dont know he lives there. I think he would be expected to pay rent and council tax, if they knew he lived there. His mum, has help a little with weekend childcare a bit, recently, although she refused in the beginning. So don't really want to piss her off. Plus I thought he would eventually come round

Those aren't your problems though, those are his and his mum's problems to sort out.

If you're feeling particularly worried about it, tell him to pay you the money or you will go to the CMS. If he doesn't cough up, you've given him every chance.

Ah I have just seen your update re the debts. I thought I'd read the whole thread - sorry.

Look, I truly sympathise because this is a really shitty situation. He's a mess.

I think all you can do is draw a line under the entire thing. You have to work from the assumption that he is never going to sort himself out.

You have to focus on you and your children.

This means forgetting for now about what he should be doing and paying, and focusing on what he can be made to do.

Put the claim in with CMS. Give them his real address.

Make sure he doesn't still have your address on file with people, because no doubt he is continuing to build up debt.

See someone eg CAB or CAP to find out if there are any of the debts that CAN be shifted to him, and to get help with lenders so you have a plan to pay it off. They can do great things and you won't know if you don't try. Just having trained people in your corner will help. Years ago, I struggled with council tax after I'd built up a debt when my partner said he'd been paying it, hadn't, and then left.

I phoned the council and got nowhere. I owed it all and I owed it now. The CAB chap rang in my presence and all of a sudden there was a very generous payment plan.

Look at how you can cut your outgoings. Make sure he's taken off the council tax so you get the reduction. Look on the Mumsnet Money Matters boards for help.

Think about work and childcare. The situation you have doesn't work...what might be better?

This is all going to take some time, but get stuck in and do something to help each day.

The reality is that if this idiot comes to his senses, it probably won't last. Make it so you're so happy with your own life that you wouldn't take him back for anything.

"If he pays £200 a months, matched by your contribution (there are two parents) and then child benefit that’s approx £460 a month. Taking out childcare costs that leaves £360 for food, clothes and activities. That’s more than enough for one child."

I'm fairly confident you are an old poster who used to post under another username who was well known for being anti single parents and benefits claimants.

Either way, £460 is NOT that much and currently he isn't paying the £200 anyway!

Childcare costs SHOULD be met by both parents why on earth shouldn't they?

"You would have rent and bills regardless and those are your responsibility not his just as his bills are his own." No actually, if op only had one child or even more the case if no children her rent/mortgage, council tax would be lower (because she could live in a much smaller property even a studio or houseshare), bills would be lower (smaller property again, needing to use less hot water, electricity etc) and as I'm sure you DO know really there's more costs to raising a child than ' food, clothes and activities' there's haircuts, cleaning products, toiletries, school equipment, transport costs etc etc

"his mum who he lives with is claiming benefits. I contact CSA I have to give his address. I feel bad on her." Why?! Cm has nothing to do with benefits, unless she is claiming as if he isn't living there and therefore acting fraudulently and reporting his address to cms would alert the authorities? Generally I'm not for reporting claimants for fraud as most of us don't know the circumstances of another household.

But YOU need to prioritise YOUR household and this directly affects that. How they manage their household is their problem.

Depending on him acting fairly isn't working, you have to do what's necessary for your household.

If you dont have much money left, you may find you do get Universal Credit. Go on "entitled to" and pop in your numbers in the calculator. Its a very user friendly site - easy to work. Its surprising how much you can earn when you have two children and still get Universal credit

There is no power to obtain more than the CMS calculator says, unless he earns more than the maximum per week which he doesnt ( £3k) as only then you can apply to the court for more child maintenance under the Children Act.

You only split up 4 months ago and only the eldest dc is biologically his? How does that work?

So from your logic, if he suddenly moved to his own place, had to travel long hours to work, it would be ok to then reduce the maintenance he pays even though his income remains the same?

What if he decided to for a nice three bed house paying high rent would it still be ok for him to then pay almost no maintenance due to his high housing costs?

Of course not, it works both ways.

@Onlythelonelywelcome. Because I had my dd before we met. After a few years we had a child together. 8 years later we split up. That was 4 months ago

But you say in the op your eldest is biologically his?

Only - it clearly meant to read "isnt" in the OP because the wording straight after talks about him taking on her eldest daughter etc