Im trying to conceive, husband trying to party!

[Cluuish]

So I don't want this to sway views but feel it's important for you know from the start that falling pregnant is really important to me. I've wanted to be a mum for years and was finally 6mnts pregnant (but sadly lost it) earlier this year.
So now we have both agreed to start trying again, and feeling like we are back on the road to becoming parents is all I care about!
We finally started trying again this week, however all I'm hearing from my husband is complaints about our sex life and how 'on the clock' it's become and how talking about ovulation dates kills the mood.
Sex is a long on going issue as he has a high sex drive and wants it 3 times a week min, I have a low sex drive and am happy with monthly. However we generally have sex weekly. So I see that as a compromise, but I still get regular moans that hes not satisfied.
Because I know this is a sensitive area I do all I can to keep the ovulation details to myself but occasionally I slip up, mainly because I'm excited about it. It's not even just ovulation, any talk about pregnancy is slowly becoming an annoyance to him.

Then today I overheard him chatting with his friends (2 girls & 2 boys) about going to Amsterdam for a couple of nights some time next year for a piss up. Possibly staying in a rented apartment together. He said to them 'maybe I should tell the wife it's boys only, as I know she won't like this idea'.
Yeh of course I hate the idea! I'm hoping to have a new born baby by then, yet his mind seems to be focused on other things.

I brought it up with him and he told me I was over reacting....am I?

You're in different places in life. Nothing wrong with that but personally I'd stop trying to conceive until you're both on the same page or you're with someone who is.

I've been married 7years and I'm 34years old. We've been pushing kids back until we finally brought a home last year.
I don't feel like i can risk waiting any longer, and finding someone else seems like a long shot, I love my husband I don't want to leave him.

He tells me this is what he wants to, and at how sad he was when the last pregnancy failed i believe him, i just think he expects his life to stay the same afterwards.

Is it unfair for me to expect his life to change?

In a very gentle way OP, maybe he doesn’t want to put life on hold/not talk about future nights out just in case you don’t have a newborn, even if you conceived right now, anywhere up to May, you’d be pregnant...

I think you are being unfair on your husband. I'm so sorry for your loss but it's fine for him to make plans and then if something happens and he has to cancel then fair enough.

I think a lot of it is also that I feel very insecure and don't really trust him 100%.

I hate the thought that I could be at home worried about what he's up too, and jealous that he gets to go out and party and drink, while I'm at home with morning sickness.

I feel so selfish in feeling that way, but also feel like I have to give up so much when pregnant yet he loses nothing, in fact he benefits from it.

OP I get it. I ttc for over 8 years and for a lot of that time put my life on hold just Incase I was pregnant. You really can’t live like that. If you do fall pregnant you’ll deal with your husband being away as it comes up, but you can’t stop everything just Incase. Ttc can be the most stressful and lonely journey but it really doesn’t have to be all consuming.

I think my biggest concern would be why he would lie and says it's boys only when there's 4 of them going. Would you not want to go to Amsterdam for a few days?

I know you want to get pregnant but sometimes a weekend away helps - lost count of how many friends had holiday/honeymoon babies now.

When you have your bubba life will of course change but we still took holidays and enjoyed weekends away with our son and even a few without him!

My h was very keen to have a baby when it was just shagging and let's see. When I didn't get pregnant, year after year and we had appointments and tests (and then to be told it would never happen) his interest waned visibly as the months went by. To the extent he didn't want sex - for me it was the means to a baby, so the fun element was gone to a certain extent.
Your DH probably does want to have a baby, but maybe is just not so good at the emotional side of it, in the way you may be at the moment. And maybe he just wants life to be fun rather than just waiting for a baby.
As an aside... my gynaecologist (initially) told me to have lots of sex on fertile days plus either side. Unless you are v fertile, only having sex once during your fertile period doesn't give you a wide window if you want it to happen asap. I absolutely don't think you should have sex if you don't want to, but once a week sex is essentially one day a month you may conceive.

Seeing lots of flashing red lights here that he will go on to cheat on you or already is.

There’s nothing wrong with what either of you want as it’s both of your lives but I think you need to question your relationship if I’m honest OP. Your not going to change your opinion and neither he is- which is fine individually, but together it’s a recipe for disaster.

FWIW- it’s fine to want a break away from family life when you have D.C- in fact, if anything I think it’s healthy.

What’s not OK is to make plans for a holiday when you are TTC and as you say could have a newborn baby or be heavily pregnant this time next year.

He knows I get jealous about him going out with this group of friends, as they've been friends for 4years and I've never met them.

So to avoid conflict I think lieing seemed like a good option, it would never have worked with social media tho.

I think his friends suggested I come too which he considered. Which would be very positive, and would help me get over my hang ups. But yeh I'd have to either go pregnant (so long as I can still fly) or stop ttc. We conceived very easily last time (problems came later).

How did you overhear him taking to four people if you've never met them?

Ooh this is an easy one. Stop ttc with a man who is treating you so disrespectfully.

Have a read of the threads with the women dealing with newborns/babies and selfish, lying, sex obsessed, unsupportive DHs on the relationships board.

Whatever cracks are showing in your relationship now will only get worse and worse once a baby is on the scene. If you don't trust him now then what the hell are you doing trying to reproduce with him. Get rid asap.

They are online friends, they hang out on a chat room. I can hear his side of convo but not theirs.

So many red flags here - How can you never have met these 4 friends, that's really odd OP. I'd have no problem with a DP going away with mates but if after 4 years I still had never met them I'd think he was either hiding me or hiding something from me!

Are you really hiding your ovulation details from him so that you don't feel pressured into sex?

Saying all you care about is getting pregnant can't be good for you or your relationship. Your life can't stop you still need to have good times along the way. How will you feel if you have the baby and he still wants weekends away with friends - have you chatted it through with him?

OP- I really think you need to sit him down and have a chat.

As I said you can’t keep him on a leash. Wanting nights out, weekends away and time away from your family is normal. In fact, dedicate all your time to your family and I’m more likely to say you have a problem. Just because your a parent doesn’t automatically mean you me wearing a chain around your ankle for the rest of your life and you can’t leave the house without your spouse and/or children. If that’s how you feel (and maybe it isn’t maybe your just talking about when yojrbheavily pregnant/with a tiny baby which IS FINE) then you need to change that attitude because i couldn’t blame your husband for feeling smothered if you do.

Sit him down, say we have agreed between us that we are going to do this life changing thing and while it’s Ok to have you time IT ISNT ok if I’m going to be heavily pregnant or with a small baby so can you postpone this trip until we at least know what is going to happen?

His obsession with sex is worrying in a way- it’s fine to have a high sex drive (I do too) but I’d be questioning how is satisfying it because I’ll be honest OP I couldn’t live with sex once a week for very long and if it really is that high I don’t think he is either.

M
Take it from me, when a man wants to have a kid he doesn’t get upset at any mention of pregnancy, they don’t mind- then even enjoy- ttc and the ovulation tests and all that comes with it. Why? Because they want to have a baby.

Bottom line: your husband doesn’t want to have a baby at least for the moment. It could be due to the miscarriage and the emotional turmoil of that.

Children are hard and even when both parents were eager to have kids, marriages fail a few years after having children. It’s worse when one pair weren’t ready yet.

Have a open conversation with your husband, ask him genuinely if he wants to ttc for a child rn.

If I overheard my partner saying that i dont care how long I'd been with him he would get dumped.

I think a lot of it is also that I feel very insecure and don't really trust him 100%.

I hate the thought that I could be at home worried about what he's up too, and jealous that he gets to go out and party and drink, while I'm at home with morning sickness.

I feel so selfish in feeling that way, but also feel like I have to give up so much when pregnant yet he loses nothing, in fact he benefits from it.

It sounds like you want to have a baby to keep him in check.

It will not work.

Hmga90 - I know on the cheating subject, I've been worried about that for ages. I try so hard to meet his needs but as my drive is so much lower Its clear I'm faking it. It just feels so wrong having sex when your not in the mood.
However he'd have to be a time traveller to be cheating regularly as the only time he's not home is the 8hrs he's at work. The only way he's getting anything elsewhere is maybe online, as he stays up on PC 'playing games'. And although I haven't met these online friends the two girls are not local and ones recently engaged, plus they seem happy to meet me.
Husband says the reason I've never met them is because of my jealousy of them. Catch 22, because I'm jealous because I've never met them.

Your right tho it's not going to get better, I worry a lot about how a baby will effect our sex life and how much longer will it be before he leaves me or cheats.

All of which is probably the real reason I don't want him in Amsterdam of all places without me.

Yes though ultimately a chat with him is required. Fingers crossed.

Is your jealousy unfounded and a failing of yours? Or does he give you genuine reason to be jealous?

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t invite you to meet his friends. It would alleviate your anxiety and you may get on with them too - I see zero reason why he keeps you apart.

And OP - I’m going to be blunt - how do you suppose your mid-matched sex-drives will work with children?

My husband and I have badly mismatched sex-drives. It’s the only issue in our relationship. It utterly depresses me. I’ll be honest - if I’d known how bad it would get at the start of our relationship I’d probably have ended it. But after 14 years and 2 children I’ve made my peace with it. I don’t and would NEVER look elsewhere, I don’t make him feel guilty for wanting sex less than me. Your husband doesn’t sound like he does the same.

What happens if you can’t have sex during pregnancy? There is a very real possibility that you could go over a year before having sex - are you confident in his kindness and understanding? There is nothing like pregnancy to show you what a person is truly like. What was he like when you were pregnant before? How did he cope with the loss? How did he support you?

He doesn’t sound kind OP - you shouldn’t spend your life and procreate with someone unkind.

OP is this man good enough to be a father to the baby so clearly want so much? He plays games on the computer with online friends and has weekends away. You haven't really said what he does for you or how he's shown he's committed to having this baby together.

I'm a single mam and of course I coped and I have an amazing son. But I wouldn't have a baby again with a man that wasn't fully committed to being a father.

no matter how hard I work or what I do I look at my friends with kids who are married or have partners and it's easier. It's not even the workload or finances it's having someone to share the good days and the bad days with.

I hope you don't think I'm being overly critical of your relationship I was in your place 20 years ago, with online poker every night and gambling weekends I wasn't part of. I told myself it would stop when the baby came and it didn't.

I think you've had good advice from previous posters to talk it out. The only thing I would say is do you think he could be using the pc, online friends etc as he hasn't coped or mourned for the baby you lost?

I think there are a lot of red flags here. The mismatched sex drives being a huge one, the couples I know who have a huge gulf like yours have without exceptions had affairs (physical or online with photos/video calls etc). All of those relationships got worse with children. After all if you have a low sex drive you are hardly likely to feel sexy with leaking nipples etc. Plus your sex drive may get lower as you have the child you want.

He sounds like he doesn’t want a child. To get upset at the mention of dates/pregnancy does not suggest someone who is excited to have a baby. Someone who was would be wanting to know.

I really think you need to consider whether this is the right person for you. Having a baby with him won’t make him less likely to treat and if you’re hoping it will keep him home more out of obligation then you’ll just be building resentment in his eyes as this is clearly something he does not want.

This really doesn’t sound like a good relationship to conceive a baby in. You’re already stressed that he’ll cheat on you if you’re not providing sex on tap, he’s already lying to you about piss-up holidays with female friends he won’t let you meet. Adding pregnancy complications or a newborn to that is not going to improve things.

34 is not ancient and doddery. Better to have a really honest conversation now with him, and with yourself, about what you both want and what kind of relationship you want your future children to grow up watching.

Did I read this wrongly - you were 6 months pregnant and your baby died?

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

Everyone handles grief differently, perhaps this is your husband's way of avoiding the situation.

Apologies if I miss read your original post.